AIBU to worry about making friends?

[Looklively]

We moved to a new area just under two years ago, when DD was two. Myself and my husband worked full time in the City and she went to nursery five days a week. For one reason or another I decided to move her to a local childminder, where she has been ever since. My childminder always did the drop off and pickups at preschool, so I never met any of the mums properly until recently. I tended to get all my info/ gossip via the childminder (which was/ is very handy) but no substitute for actually being involved myself. We have a great relationship with the childminder, and my DD enjoys meeting/ playing with all the other kids she looks after. Most of them either already go to, or will go to the local primary that DD is starting in September. I gave up working full time about 8 months ago so that I could be more involved in the local 'everyday' i.e. Preschool pickups (childminder still does drop-offs) and running errands. This was partly because I couldn't hack the daily commute, and partly because I wanted to make friends with my neighbours and other mums, which wasn't really possible before. I'm now wondering how long it will take us (me and DD) to really fit in to the point that we/ she/ I will be accepted into the local clique. I go to all the birthday parties, reciprocate with the same and play dates, etc but never feel like I'm accepted to the point that mums will spontaneously include us in things. Everyone else either lives in the next street to one another, or has grown up / has children who have grown up with each other and have established relationships. I'm not a desperado, but I am aware that it impacts on my daughter when she asks to play with friends because she sees them going off together at the end of preschool. Am I worrying unnecessarily? I know that we / she will make new friends going to school, and there is already a Facebook group that I'm part of for parents of all the new September starters - but most of the meet ups have been scheduled at lunchtimes which I still can't do as I finish too late to join (the organisers are SAHMS). I am trying not to panic and wondering if I should be obsessing about it. Just hate to see DD get upset

1. Calling it a clique is a good way to not be invited into it: they can smell the judging.
2. You seem to see it as some sort of mass group that just absorb members when they have put enough time in. It isn't, its just people who are friends, acquaintances etc at different levels. Making friends is an organic process that happens when people have things in common and like each other, not because they happen to have children the same age.

How you look at these things and approach them influence your experience of them.

I think it's early days for your dd's age.

At that age most playdates will have been arranged between 'mum friends'. So, mums that are mates so their dcs are too by default. These friendships don't always last as the children grow-up.

I moved areas when my dd started Primary. It's an area where everyone not only knows everyone but went to school with each other (often even that same Primary!), have their mum, gran, sister and cousins etc all within a few streets. This is very alien to me. My family live all over the world!

Anyway, dd had no play dates for many years. I didn't feel too bothered by them to be honest (my CM was local, fantastic and is now a good friend). It wasn't until Y2/3 that my dd started to feel comfortable. In all honesty, not until Y6 did she come into her own. Then we chose an entirely different Secondary school to everyone else and started all over again!

Over those years I got invited out into little mum groups. It was nice. I was friendly enough with them for them to help me out and vice-versa. However it's my CM and my original Anti-natal group in the old area who I still feel closer too.

Give it some time. You will fit in. You're doing all the right things.

Thanks Trampire - I am feeling a bit isolated and needy (which is unusual for me) but I'm putting it down to this being a newcomer to not only the area but also this experience (first child and all that)!

Cheeses - I use the word 'clique' because it is correct in this context. Perhaps it is different for you. And of course I understand how friendships develop, however, like it or not if my DD wants to have a play date with someone then I always have the hope that I will get on with the other child's parents - normal enough, I reckon?

I may not be a terribly good example but I didn't really get to know anyone until my DD's last year of pre school. Luckily her friends all moved to the same school so I have about 3 or 4 mums that I chat with. I'm slightly restricted in that I work and commute 4 days so only have 1 day where I see them. My DD also does a hobby on that day so I don't have much scope for arranging play dates. I have mentioned going out for drinks but there's not been any move to do that so I guess it will remain friendly without actually being friends. School has certainly opened up much more opportunities though and there have been reception parents drinks and quiz nights etc and if my DH didn't work shifts I might have got stuck in a bit more. I am manning a stall at the school fair and I do chat at parties etc so I'm doing what I reasonably can at the moment. I think if you make an effort at school events I think you'll find things will fall into place somewhat.

There are cliques - that is most definitely accurate but not everyone is in one. ( I also don't want to be friends with everyone.... which is completely natural).

Clique has negative connotations. Call it that all you want but you won't get into it with that attitude!

I get it. I'm not natural person to strike up friendship. It took until yr2 to make a mum school friend as I was so shy and nervous. Luckily our son's bonded, she invited me over and that was the start. Tbh that's the only friend at school iv made. Loads of other mums seems to do it but I can't seem to break in for a better word.

I'm now on my last child. Have took the initiative this year and invited people around, asked if people r on fb and tried but honestly I still feel like I'm on the edges this preschool year.

Sorry not much if an answer.

Yes Cheeses, and that is why I use the term as there are some groups that I don't wish to socialise with as they are deliberately unfriendly and certainly not keen on widening their social circle - their loss not mine. I'm not asking for your approval to use this descriptive term here - I'm actually asking if I'm being neurotic about the situation at large and to be frank, you're not being especially helpful in judging me as someone who doesn't appreciate the finer art of making friends/ breaking into a new crowd. Having travelled the world and lived overseas For extended periods I'm more than adept at judging the situation however it is slightly different when it's your child who wants to be friends with everyone. If anything, I think I am probably too sensitive to it all which is why I'm think I'm tying myself up in knots.

Regardless of DD, are there any interests or hobbies you have or would like to try that there might be a local club or group for?

I was in your position a couple of years ago. Now that I have the benefit of hindsight, I think that pre school is too young to be worrying about this kind of thing. Now my eldest DD has just finished Y1 she has very definite friends and I have started to become good friends with some of the other parents (not all of whom are particularly friendly with my DD - just those who I have slowly got to know at pick up).
I would honestly not give it too much thought - otherwise you may come across as needy and others are less likely to warm to you. Just smile and be friendly and slowly you'll start to get to know people.
Also remember that 'cliques' happen purely because people have known each other a while. They can easily go stale and many people are only too keen to meet new people after a while - when they finally realise they have little in common with the people they have been friendly with since their children were born. You might be a breath of fresh air

Just seen your last post - with your experience of overseas and working, you sound like the kind of mum I'd love to meet at the school gates. You'll be fine! Just give it time...

I think it's the combination of having your first child, moving and then changing your work pattern. It's a lot to adjust to.

I felt a bit like this when we first moved to where we are now. We still don't have a group of mum friends who we hang out with en masse, but we have the odd play date and go to a couple of toddler groups where we're getting to know people. We have neighbours with young children which has helped, but I have stopped caring, to a point, whether or not I make new friends and just focus on my dc. I feel much better for it and I figure 'proper' friendships will probably happen by themselves at some point.

Another thing I've noticed is that I've started caring a lot less whether or not I keep in touch as much with some old friends. I've had a few friendships start to fizzle out since we moved. It really upset me at first, but now, I shrug it off. I think for a while after having DC1, I was still pining for the lifestyle I used to have and the friends I didn't really get to see as much anymore. It's interesting how fragile some friendships are; a big train journey to visit them or for them to visit us, plus spending a lot of time with dc, doing child friendly stuff, understandably changed the whole dynamic of what we did together. Some friends don't mind, but for others, it's just too inconvenient, which is totally fair enough. I cba to trek into London for a quick meal on a weeknight either .

Actually that isn't at all what you said, but whatever. You specifically wondered when "the clique" would admit you, which it the exact opposite of not wanting to join certain groups because of cliqueness.

I'm beginning to see your problem.

What do you want to happen? You might become friendly with other parents and your kid with their kids but it doesn't necessary mean you and the other parents will become friends, that the social exchange will go beyond your kids playdates.

I work full time, my son doesn't have so many playdates because of it. I worry, he is 6 and fine.

They are a group of random people who happen to have DC the same age as yours. You might become friends; you might not.
At your DD's age, playdates will be all about parents getting together and less so about the DC. As she gets older, the parents drop out of the equation and she'll just be invited by the DC that are her friends and vice versa.

Have you invited anyone over to yours? Or suggest a meetup after school on the FB page if you can't do lunchtimes - I'm sure you won't be the only one!

Yes, suggest a meet up.

And to be fair to cheeses you did specifically say you wanted to be accepted into the clique.

Ha, Cheeses you win it's just my just my judgemental state of mind coming to the fore! I see that I did contradict myself and I apologise for snapping, however the sentiment is broadly the same with regards to fitting in, etc.
Anyhow, I sincerely appreciate all the lovely comments that make me feel a bit less mental and I will calm down and relax and stick to my guns and be happy to let things develop. My fear is actually more that people might think I'm too keen to fit in and reject me for being a try hard - people smell desperation a mile away.
So I reckon striking a balance is the way forward.
Decaff - definitely identify with you there. Thanks for your post.
Enid - We would defo be mates
And yes, I have initiated and received play dates and meet ups independently of the FB group as I know them to speak to as well.