What is it with this child? AIBU to think it's a bit smothering

[paganmolloy]

DS's pal who is 2 years older sticks to him like glue. Example: they both come into kitchen. DS will sort out a drink for them and will go to fridge, sink, cupboard and friend will follow him at close proximity whilst he does this rather than just standing in one spot. And by close proximity I mean almost touching, to the point that DS almost has to elbow him out the way to get access to the fridge. When they sit down on sofa, friend will almost sit on top of DS. If DS sits on a chair rather than sofa, friend will sit on arm of chair. If DS goes to toilet, friend will follow him and I'm sure would actually try to go into toilet with him if DS didn't lock the door. Friend will then wait outside door until DS is finished. He comes to door for DS and if DS isn't ready or not free rather than just buggering off he will stand and hold a conversation with him even when it's obvious it's not a good time.

Ages?

Hes a child?

Maybe his dm is overprotective no he isn't used to actually being alone/unsupervised?

maybe hearing isn't perfect?

He sounds a bit insecure/shy. If DS is ok with it I wouldn't give it a second thought!

Thinking about it, my 9 year old DD's mates do that a bit too.

Any SN? Particularly nervous or shy child?

I know what your saying but they're just kids learning about social etiquette. (Although saying that I know an adult who does this!!)

Is your DC annoyed by it or not? If so then teach them to say would you mind stepping back a bit please or would you move up a bit please. Child probably just doesn't realise about personal space.

Sounds shy.

Maybe the friend is a bit frightened of being in someone else's house, some children are just shy. It's not a problem, how old is he?

*You're

Well my 2 year old had almost no speech, and could no more get themselves a drink than do a full weekly shop, so I'd say you were unusual there.

I think you are expecting too much of a two year old.

Sounds like he's shy or has some form of anxiety, regardless of his age.

Sorry! I read it as 2 years old!!

How old?

I was like this at times when I was a child, I was reaaaallllly shy! Might not be that of course but it's worth thinking about.

DS is 12, friend is 14. Should be used to being in our house by now, it's like a second home to him (he lives in same street). He doesn't seem to have many (any???) other friends of his own. DS is generally ok about it but sometimes feels smothered when friend has called round for him for after DS has told several times via Snapchat that he's not free. SN have never been confirmed but I would guess that there may be something, not sure what. constantly stares at phone even in a group

Sounds socially awkward, potential SN. Unless your DC has asked you to help address the behaviour as he's finding it smothering, I would leave well enough alone. Seems harmless if slightly unusual.

Social awkwardness? I'm like that. What do you do when your friend has gone to get a drink for you? Do you sit twiddling your thumbs, waiting for them? What if they talk to you from the kitchen? It's rude to shout an answer surely? So do you go in the kitchen to answer them and then hang around awkwardly there? Or go back and sit down and wait? Or what? It's all so awkward!

How do people know how to do these things?

I haven't followed anyone to the toilet yet though.

What is it with this child?

You've answered it in your last post, probably undiagnosed special Needs of some sort.

For kids that don't have many friends, it's difficult to know how to be friends, so it becomes a catch 22

I was an "annoying" friend as a kid because my mother wasn't very nice wasn't very sociable so we rarely had visitors and if we did they were -oddballs like her-- usually individual adults not families, and she didn't make a lot of mum friends so I only had a teeny handful of regular playdates

So the playdates I did have I was probably a bit over invested in IYKWIM

I only intervene if DS asks me to or asks my advice. I don't think friend picks up any social cues, and SN pings on my radar because his Dad is very similar. But part of my thinks is half and half nature and nurture. Friend is left quite a lot to his own devices and I think he could do with more guidance with social etiquette. From what DS tells me, it sounds like he gets babied a bit at home which at age 14 I don't think helps his cause. I feel a bit sorry for him tbh.

constantly stares at phone even in a group

That's most teenagers, isn't it?

I know teenagers can be shy but this does sound odd, maybe SN?

DS1 attracted a "friend" like this when he was about 11. DS2 is nearly 4 years younger and found the constant presence of this other boy too much. We tried saying gently that we needed time on our own at home but the boy was very thick skinned and kept coming round every day. Eventually DS2 gave him an uncharacteristic foul mouthed tirade through the window and he was not so much of a presence ather that! He was just a bit lonely as he was living with relations while waiting to join his parents who had moved abroad, we did have sympathy but it was just too much.

If they have not got any other friends then they never learned to socialise properly how is your sons friend with his mum is he clingy

I wouldn't say he was clingy no. But to be honest I hardly witness them together. Friend is either round here or DS is round there. The parents are very nice, pleasant people but I can't help feeling they have their heads in the sand about their son and rarely seem to do anything with him.

It sounds like a social communication problem to me. Social communication difficulties includes having problems interpretating body language, hand gestures, voice tone as well as conversation. Have you tried simply telling him to give your ds more space. My ds has autism and there are many things like this where he would never pick up the social clues that his behaviour is unwanted but if he is told he takes it on board. Try saying something like "its nice to stand an arm's length away from other people" or "its polite to wait in another room when someone uses the toilet". Try to make it sound like friendly advise not a telling off.