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To be annoyed at DM for using childcare for DD as an excuse

14 replies

littlelolo · 03/07/2017 09:21

Firstly I'm extremely grateful for my mums help, once a week before DH gets home she watches DD for an hour. DH picks her up on the way home from work. I work evenings and this particular day once a week I start earlier than usual. However I'm getting sick and tired of my mum using the 1 hour a week childcare as an excuse for EVERYTHING!!! If she doesn't want to do something for her mum or with friends on any day of the week at any time, she says "oh sorry I've got granddaughter then", rather than just tell the truth. They all know I work evenings only and I feel like it makes me look really selfish. She recently just declined going to a funeral because I'd "asked for her to watch DD while I go shopping"- this is a bold face lie and makes me look like a selfish cow! I'm really grateful for the hour once a week that she helps but I have never asked her to watch DD any other time. AIBU to be annoyed by this or should I just suck it up and let her say what she wants seeings as she does help me once a week for that hour that I'm stuck?

OP posts:

rightwhine · 03/07/2017 09:25

Does it actually impact negatively on your relationships with other people? If so, tell her to stop. If not then let it go.
It's not unusual or unreasonable to be using her for more childcare so let her crack on. Or actually get her to do more anyway.


Tinseleverywhere · 03/07/2017 09:28

Unless these people would definitely hold it against you if she was really watching dd for you then I would let her use the excuse.


littlelolo · 03/07/2017 09:35

It doesn't impact negatively on my relationships with other people because I don't know her friends that well, I just hate that it makes me look like a really shitty person not "letting" my mum go to a funeral because I've made plans to go shopping then... over a week in advance. Let's face it shopping is hardly as important as a funeral. I hate to think what people are saying about me! Blush

OP posts:

NormaSmuff · 03/07/2017 09:36

perhaps your dm didnt actually want to go to the funeral.
sounds like she likes feeling needed but lays it on a bit thick.


pudcat · 03/07/2017 09:37

Just wondering if your Mum is becoming anxious about going out of the house and rather than let anyone know she is saying this.


Wumpychoo · 03/07/2017 09:38

I agree with you. It's making you look bad so she doesn't have to


littlelolo · 03/07/2017 09:45

She's always been the same to be honest, this has happened before when I got married. I know her work colleagues really well and I bumped into a couple of them on the run up to my wedding and they both said "your mum had been so amazing planning your wedding for you" she didn't plan a sodding thing!!! She just used it as an excuse because she didn't want to do overtime. She thinks you need an excuse for everything- I however think it's acceptable to just say no thanks Confused

OP posts:

BloodWorries · 03/07/2017 09:45

I think you should gently talk to your DM.
If she is otherwise a nice person I would worry that she's struggling to get out of the house and do things that she used to do. Or has she always been like this and this is just a convenient excuse for her?

I'd play it initially from the point that you are worried that she isn't getting out and doing things and that you are worried about her being stuck at home all the time. What is she doing that means she can't attend a funeral? Is there a reason she didn't want to go? Or to these other events?

If that doesn't work then if someone mentions to you that your DM couldn't go to x, y or z because they had your DD I think you should set them right... Oh, she didn't have DD that day. I took DD to so and so. And then call your mum up and ask her why.


diddl · 03/07/2017 10:13

The lying to get out of things is awful imo.

If it was a time when she provided childcare & you/your husband couldn't get out of work then that would be one thing.

To say that it was because you were shopping-when you would/could have taken your daughter is horrible.

If she doesn't want to do something then she should either just adit that or find an excuse that doesn't involve you/your daughter.

Must be tempting to find other childcare!

If you pointed out to someone that your mum hadn't actually had your daughter on a time when she hadn't & had just used her as an excuse-what would happen?


KickAssAngel · 03/07/2017 10:17

People seem to be missing the fact that the DAM doesn't even have her GC but is making it up. No, your mum isn't being nice e. She's using you to make up lies to other people, and making you look selfish/lazy at the same time. But you won't change her so either just seeth quietly, or set people right when you can, but I bet your mum will be annoyed with you if you do that.


littlelolo · 03/07/2017 10:22

Yep, it's really hard and I can't find suitable alternative childcare. It's only for an hour and I don't want to pay for a CM because I don't earn a lot and I doubt I'd even get one for one hour a week! MIL is more than willing to pop over and help for an hour which I'm happy with but shit really would hit the mum would find that so insulting and I'd never hear the end of it. If I corrected anyone, she'd be annoyed at me and probably still correct them and say that I got my days muddled. I appreciate her help but she really is a handful sometimes.

OP posts:

diddl · 03/07/2017 10:30

It is almost sounding though as if the help comes at too high a price.

How long has she been doing this?

Perhaps it is time for MIL to either take turns with her or take over!


littlelolo · 03/07/2017 12:37

Yep it comes at a massive price unfortunately. She's been doing it for almost 3 months. It's just an awkward one because I am happy for MIL to do it but it could cause a massive fallout plus MIL is always away on holiday so the help wouldn't be consistent

OP posts:

Urubu · 03/07/2017 12:47

But what does your DM say when you confront her?
Mum, why did you tell you couldn't attend the funeral on X because I asked you to watch DD while I went shopping?
Then silence and let her answer.
If she minimizes it just say that it is just an example, you heard back from others that she was supposedly minding your DD when she wasn't really, so could she please stop doing it.

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