Ex's girlfriend of a year not been mentioned or introduced

[Shoobop]

Separated 5 years now from dc's (7) dad.

He has a new gf (first one since we separated). He has not yet mentioned her to me.

I believe they got together in August? And dc was introduced in November. Dc has received a Christmas present from her and 3/4 large bags of teenage clothing/toys which were all second hand as she was 'clearing out the loft' (and I was clearing out my house and did not need more crap landing to fill up my cupboards again).

Recently dc's mobile phone stopped working as the memory was full and ex asked me to sort it out. I have not got round to it (as its playing silly beggars about downloading onto laptop). Dc came back tonight to say that as gf 'missed her messages' (on whats app) she is going to give her her old mobile phone to use.

I feel the mobile phone is taking things a bit too far, and as for the 'missing your messages'. I KNOW the ex will have told her I'm mentally unstable (he's been telling court/sw's for a long time now) and I KNOW he will be warning her off being in contact with me as I am 'nuts'. So slightly concerned (maybe paranoid) she feels she needs to step up as a mother figure to dc (presuming she believes all that comes out of ex's mouth).

Its just this lady who has been kind to my dc...I just think someone who is a taking a role in my dc's life, we should know each other to talk to one another. At least be able to send a thank you or no more clothing please I'm drowning or something. WIBU to get in contact through FB or dc's whatsapp? I think I would be...but want to check the general consensus.

Also...if you are the gf...does your bf tell the mother of the children about you? Are you in touch with her? How do you handle giving gifts to the child? (as in second hand stuff and a mobile phone?! Not little toy gifts...). Just what is the norm here?

My ex does have a communication problem in that he just does not give or want to receive information about our child at all. Not medical appointments, not optician/dentist appointments, nothing. No interest at all. But I just find it downright rude for him not to have the manners to make some form of introduction.

And yes I do feel slightly jealous of gf but realise that is relatively normal, at the same time I'm pleased she is nice to dc and choose to dwell on that and ignore the jealous side of me! I would just like to know her?

Why care. Enjoy your life. Ignore his.

As a step mum I met DSDs mum not long after I met DSD. I was still the girlfriend at that time. I was a bit nervous so please bear that in mind, but yes, I think you should be able to talk to each other.

As for gifts, I always bought gifts, just I would for my friends children, my nieces etc etc. I don't think presents are a bad thing. However DSD has a wardrobe here as well as at her mums, so I wouldn't expect clothes I buy her to be cluttering up her mums house.

I guess it's a good thing that his gf is being nice to your DD, I can see why you are worried, but it's better than her not being nice, which sadly does happen.

I'd say ideally all parents and their attachments (who the DC know) should meet and communicate with each other.

But I think that's only ideally.

Nothing about what you've posted suggests she acting because she thinks you're unstable or nuts, so I'd gently suggest that you're putting that slant onto this, and you need to unclench a little.

It's nice she's making a relationship with your child, and you should be doing all you can to encourage that.
The fact she's giving you clothes and things suggests she wants to connect with you too.

If she's giving you things you don't want, return them the next time your DC with a polite note explaining why they're not wanted.

I've never met exH's girlfriend. I imagine at some point it will happen, perhaps at a drop off, but I don't feel any need for a pre-arranged meeting, I think it would be hideously awkward. I don't need to speak to her about my DC, I speak to their father.

Okay I can accept all that!

I shall attempt to unclench, move on (to an extent, he was/is abusive), appreciate she is nice to dc (I do already but will appreciate gifts) and be a bit less sensitive about ex calling me a nutcase.

And it was just a text message 'introduction', not a formal face to face one :-O would be like a Ricky Gervais Extra's moment!

Thank you all :)

I've met ExH's girlfriend briefly a handful of times, they've been together nearly 3 years. We've never had a one on one conversation, I don't have her phone number. She seems nice enough, spends time with DS and buys him treats. I just don't really need to have much contact with her as anything to do with DS I speak to ExH about.

Ex has his life, I have mine, neither of us is really interested in the other unless it's to do with DS.

I've never met DH's ex, seen her a few times but we're never going to talk. She and DH have next to no relationship so there's no way she and I would ever chat or be friends. She's in a new relationship now and DH found out about it from the DSC, again, they've seen each other at pick up and once at a school thing but never acknowledged each other. Of course it would be nicer if things were amicable, but there's also no need as long as there's no outright animosity and the kids seem mostly fine with it.

It's a bit of a confusing picture in terms of stuff between the houses. We have everything they need at ours, full wardrobes, toys, books etc, so I'd never give anything to ex. I think her dumping bags of stuff on you is very odd, but perhaps intended as a nice gesture, so I'd just return them and say thanks but she should keep them at ex's.

Clothes are the only thing DH ex is happy to keep and never return, we have to be really careful to make sure anything special or that was a gift doesn't go back with them as we'd never see it again. But nothing else is allowed to go to hers, and no one knows why but it really upsets the DSC.

Cakes they've made with us but want to give her go straight in the bin, stones they pick up from the park and want to take to school go back to hers and straight in the bin, freebies off magazines that they want in their rooms at hers go... straight in the bin. They're the ones who lose out and she's effectively shutting them down from sharing things they care about.

Gifts from us and our friends and family stay with us much as possible because she'll either never return them (clothes, watches etc) or bin them. It's really weird.

On the other hand, she hardly ever washes them or cuts their nails or gets their hair trimmed, so she's used to them going back to her looking different, and is okay with that.

If your DC seems happy, I'd let it go. He has an extra person in his life who's looking out for him and that's good. I wouldn't worry about what your ex has said to her, it may be awful, it may be nothing, but you can't change it, and whatever she thinks of you she's making an effort to be kind to your child. Which doesn't mean she's trying to take over or take your place. You're not obliged to accept stuff she happens to be getting rid of though, so just back it back up and send it to ex's.