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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel a little bit ungrateful? I know I am really.

24 replies

fannyanddick · 02/07/2017 16:29

So it's my birthday today. Dh previously said what do you want for your birthday? Made buying my present sound like a bit of an inconvenient hassle too, to be honest. I said I like most things but what I'd really appreciate is an outing-spa, theatre, concert, shopping trip etc. He is was like oh we're too busy for that, I just want to get you things from the shop around the corner. So In the week I had the nannny come for 3hours while I was not at work and I went to the shops. So dh was like you can buy some stuff and this is your time off so that counts. So I did kind of get my time of but at no bother to him. (Obviously I can buy clothes if I need so that not really a present either). Then today I got nice presents that were wrapped from him and the kids. Some perfume, two hand soaps, a coloured gel pen and a face mask.

So I know I should feel really loved and pleased with my nice gifts but I actually feel a bit ungrateful. I don't use face masks. Hand soap just seems pretty impersonal and no thought. Like he's just gone to the shop at the corner and picked some random stuff up rather than listening to me and getting tickets to something or booking a restaurant. Even if it was for later in the year rather than the next couple of months. It's not about the cost, more the thought and effort. Aibmassively bratty and u.

Just to add, I've spent the day altering and cleaning the kids car seats as they need doing and he just says 'I have No clue, you've watched the videos online so best you do it'. Said he'd make some lunch but finally at 1.15 I said let's go get a sandwich as nothing started and kids starving.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 02/07/2017 16:30

He's crap!!!!

Go to the theater by yourself.

whilehekayak · 02/07/2017 16:37

He sounds awful! Does he have any redeeming features?

fannyanddick · 02/07/2017 17:07

He works hard for the family (and himself) and has a good career. He is loyal and prioritises family time. Otoh I think he is quite selfish and self serving and can also be critical and grumpy.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/07/2017 17:09

He's bloody useless. I'd be planning his birthday from this moment on.

Only1scoop · 02/07/2017 17:11

How inconvenient of you to have a birthday Hmm

Copperspot · 02/07/2017 17:14

He's showing you how much he thinks of you.

Booking tickets is 10minutes online, not exactly a massive effort. Or is it that he doesn't want to spend the time with you at the event?

It's not about money spent it's about thinking of the other person. And he can't be arsed.

Mrbrownstone · 02/07/2017 17:15

Hes thoughtless. My own dh is the same. Told him exactly what I wanted, he didnt bother hid arse going 10 mins out of his way to get it. Went to a shop close to hid work & got me something I dont want.

whilehekayak · 02/07/2017 17:17

YANBU.

I wonder if he's just not a 'gifts' person? I'm not, and I have to work really hard to do thoughtful things for DH, who's totally brilliant at gifts and always gets it right.

That said, you TOLD him what you want so there's really no excuse.

I'd be having very firm words, explaining how hurt I was and asking him to make it up to me. Like you say, it's not about something expensive, it's about you being worth a bit of energy and effort.

2014newme · 02/07/2017 17:19

Book a spa day or theatre trip with a friend. He sounds generally useless

2014newme · 02/07/2017 17:20

Text your friends now see is anyone available for a drink tonight. Ditch the bloody car seats, get ready, go out.

BenLui · 02/07/2017 17:20

Those are deeply rubbish gifts.

Next year present him in advance with a list of suggested options that can be ordered online and he can then pick a "surprise".

Some people are a bit rubbish at presents.

OfficerVanHalen · 02/07/2017 17:22

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OfficerVanHalen · 02/07/2017 17:24

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Dibbles1967 · 02/07/2017 17:30

Happy Birthday Flowers Wine

I'm in the camp of those who say a birthday is a special day, a day when you are made a fuss of & generally spoiled.

YANBU I'd be totally hacked off.

My OH is not big on birthdays, neither are his children (though the latter is more to to with the fact that they have everything they possibly could have anyway, so it's an "effort" trying to think up stuff that they want)

He's learning though, birthdays are massive in my house, the day is all about THAT person, making them feel super special. Pressies and treats and loads of extra love and attention.

That said, I've basically come to terms with the fact that he's going to sod up my 50th this year Confused

Is DH at least taking you out tonight?!

GloriousGoosebumps · 02/07/2017 17:30

Does he expect you to push the boat out for his birthday? After this fiasco, I'd be seriously reducing the effort you put into his birthday and telling him why.

fannyanddick · 02/07/2017 17:33

Glad to hear that I'm not just an ungrateful b**ch! Not that it helps much! Oh and I got a science fiction book. By a female author, but I have never read science fiction. Unless Harry Potter counts?

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 02/07/2017 17:35

He doesn't actually love you. If he did he would want to make an effort.

Littleelffriend · 02/07/2017 17:44

It was my birthday last week. I got told on the day that I could book a spa day for myself. And my wrapped gift? A wooden spoon. I hope that makes you feel better

SongforSal · 02/07/2017 17:44

Could be worse OP. Here comes why I hate my birthdays.

Every year is a disaster. Something odd happens. This year present wise, my Dp gave me a bunch of flowers from a local bloody co-op telling me 'I didn't know what to get you so go and buy yourself something on the internet'.

He did however book the day off work and rather than do something in the day (we are fairly remote) decided to wait for both Dc's to get in from school and go out for dinner (my idea).

During the day he made zero effort to even offer to make me lunch. I then watched him warm a tin of soup, and butter 2 slices of bread. The bread was from an old loaf and was thick with mould underneath (I didn't notice at the time). He came running past me gagging after nearly having eaten it in it's entirety and proceeded to vomit on the floor directly in front of me slashing me with puke.

However bad you feel OP. It could have been worse birthday Wink

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 02/07/2017 17:49

YANBU

He sounds like a lazy, thoughtless twat.

Happy Birthday btw Flowers

BeepBeepMOVE · 02/07/2017 17:52

When was your last day out? All of the things you listed are normal trips, nothing crazy. I'd say most couples do them once a month or so and he can't even be arsed to sort it for a once a year birthday. Not like you asked for a month in Rio. I'd seriously look at if you have a worthwhile relationship.

SaveMeBarry · 02/07/2017 17:59

He sounds thoughtless and a bit shit tbh. What exactly did he mean by and this is your time off so that counts? Would I be completely off base if I translated that as "so you shouldn't expect a break from house/dc on the day itself? Hmm

He clearly takes you for granted but it doesn't seem like you pulled him up on it. Too busy for any kind of outing? What, there isn't one evening for the rest of the year that isn't already booked up? He couldn't have booked you a spa day or given you theatre tickets so you could have a night with a friend? Well no, cos he wanted the convenience of going to the local shop and grabbing whatever was in his eyeline...
You should speak to him, tell him you're disappointed with his lack of effort and see what his reaction is.

diddl · 02/07/2017 18:02

We rarely do presents, but if I had suggested any of the above, it would have happened for me.

"He is was like oh we're too busy for that"

Were you particularly wanting him with you for any of it?

ThePants999 · 02/07/2017 22:53

A coloured gel pen? A SCI-FI NOVEL? This isn't thoughtlessness, this is a calculated insult, surely!?

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