Am I in the wrong or is he?

[FramptonRose]

I am not sure if I need to give me head a wobble!
I need some perspective. DH and I have 3 DCs, he runs a business which has grown and grown but he is useless with money and we mounted up a lot of debt on silly things over the years, I worry over money and it's really getting on top of me that we are having to rob Peter to pay Paul.
After having third DC, I didn't return to work (joint desicion) as the childcare would have outstripped what I earned plus I was shattered, the children are only 2 years apart. Fast forward 4 years, DH is in a position he can do the school run and I have returned part time to work. It is quite a stressful job and am out of the house for over 10 hours with the commute, but still doing everything, cleaning, cooking, packed lunches etc. Don't get me wrong he helps out in other ways, baths putting the kids to bed etc and he literally works constantly, always on the phone sorting jobs out. I suppose I thought for the first few weeks of me going back he would have been a bit more supportive, I am exhausted, he is in such a foul mood, we are having a lot of financial problems on the business side.
For the past few weeks, we have barely spoken, he comes in, he is on his phone and falls asleep. Again I know he is working long hours but I just feel like we are plodding along and the marriage is slowly crumbling!

I don't really know whether I am being a bit precious about the whole thing x

Im not sure what your aibu is?

What is it you wish to change? You want him to work less hours to help out more at home? How would this impact the business? It sounds like he is struggling,

It sounds to me that he is working more than full time to keep the business going and also doing school run and domestic duties. Youre working parttime annd also doing some domestic duties.

Having 3 kids focuses time and money and it was your choice so it would seem you need to get on with it. Could you help dh in some way with admin for the business if youre only part time?

Sorry should have put it in OP, I do all the admin for the business, invoices, emails dealing with HMRC, accountants etc.

I suppose, I am a bit resentful as when I look at friends, their DHs literally take over at the weekends, take kids to extra curricular activities etc. On the days my DH is at home, he is in such a foul mood, he sits upstairs, I end up taking the kids out on my own, on the rare occasions he does come with us he is beyond miserable. I get he is stressed and I have bent over backwards to make sure he isn't stressed at home, I get up two hours before I need to leave before I go to work and help get the kids ready, do packed lunches and literally prepare the dinner for that night so he can come home and not be stressed with what to cook.

Also to clarify, I was pushing to go back to work a long time ago, but he kept telling me it would put too much strain on home life and me helping him out on the business side, I think now he has finally seen how dire our finances, we sat down and worked out how we could do it without paying for childcare (family have agreed to help out in the holidays)

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble, I am just fed up and exhausted and I feel like the kids are getting the raw end of the deal as we are both so unhappy

If he's working more than full time, you're doing the admin and the business still isn't making enough would he be better winding it down and getting a 'regular' job? Especially if it's currently making him so incredibly stressed?

Or is it doing ok now but there's a lot of debt? Could you consolidate somehow?

The business does make good money, it is the debt that was built up in the beginning that is the problem tbh.
He is quite careless with money, which doesn't help, although he has got better over the past year.

I would much rather get rid of the business but DH refuses, and everytime I bring it up it causes a massive row so I don't bother anymore.

Why would you get rid if its making money?

Maybe you should look at professional help to restructure and make it a better run business that will thrive in the long term with less stress

I want to get rid of it purely for the stress level it brings, 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, it makes money, don't get me wrong but it dosent make millions!
There is no coming home from work and chilling out and forgetting about the stress from work, it is always there!

Like I said I feel like it's the kids who get the raw end of the deal as it doesn't feel like a happy home, just two miserable parents!

A business that several years down the line is still servicing debt and (in your own words) is having lots of financial problems - isn't a viable business.

Sounds like your DH needs to get a proper job, you need to g

... and you need to go back to work too, and everything at home gets split 50/50.

It's effectively start up debt and the further debt added is because the business grew very quickly.

He does turn a decent profit but where we are constantly playing catch up and he (up until this year) made silly financial decisions, it makes a dent in what we could earn.

I am back at work.

There has been another big row and he has stropped off so I have bought the kids out just so they are not climbing the walls.

I suppose I can't work out if it is the stress of three young kids, running a business or we have just kind of outgrown eachother and are just staying together for the kids

Home and not speaking a word to eachother.

I need to get my head into a place to figure out if this is all stress related and we are just going through a rocky patch or if this stress is going to be our life together

Sounds to my like you both need a break... from kids, work, homelife. Can you take some time out? Even a weekend with no phones to try and get some perspective?

We have sat down and talked this afternoon, both apologised to eachother and had a nice dinner as a family.

I am probably blowing everything out of proportion. I do agree, however, we really do need some time together. We literally have had one night out, just the two of us, ie not for a birthday or some other event which is all with friends and family in 6 years!!!
If we can sort some finances, I would love to do a spa weekend, just so we can be us again and actually relax.

If his business is profitable can't you consider working for it full time so that you can relieve the stress on your dh and increase profits?

Can you afford a cleaner?

An au pair?

I have a cleaner, she costs me £20 p.w... it is without double the best money I spend all week!

His business is profitable but the problem is, if we have a delay in payments, which sometimes happens, this is one of the main reasons, we agreed I would go back so at least we have a guaranteed wage coming in every month.

I think, once we get our finances sorted, a cleaner will be a must!

I wish we had room for an Au Pair, unfortunately we do not.

I feel like I have some perspective on it a bit now. We really do need to make time for eachother and not let resentments build up.