Pregnant lady bashing.

[Merlanguis]

Went on massive group holiday, amongst the group was a small group of old but very close friends, as well as some other people that I did not know so well.

We were close when living nearby in our late twenties-early thirties about 4/5 years ago. We all now live far apart (different countries) However, we still all chat regularly and I still think we are good mates. I'm pregnant and have not told them yet. I thought that I might do whilst we were all together, especially as hard to hide my lack of drinking.

On the first night after a few glasses of wine, my friend confides (& I quote verbatim) "everyone's f###king pregnant & they tell me as if I'm supposed to give a shit. I'm so fed up of these f###king smug pregnant bitches". This is out of character and I was a very shocked, my mouth nearly hit the floor. I steered the conversation in another direction and decided probably not the best moment to mention that I'm pregnant.

I know she really wants kids & so does her bf eventually but they are not ttc at the moment. Her sister has fertility issues & finding life hard, whereas her sil, who she dislikes, is pregnant. I put it down to too much wine & not to take it personally.

Later on that evening, everyone is now well tanked. I'm sober although everyone else thought I'd been drinking. My aforementioned friend brings up her annoying SIL again and how irritating she is "lording her" pregnancy. This led on to what I can only describe as a communal pregnant lady bashing session, with everyone giving a annoying pregnant friend story. They then moved on to talking about how friends with children essentially no longer have anything interesting to say, become incredibly boring and their worlds just resolve around their children. One of the girls, that I did not know as well, chipped in that essentially when a friend announces a pregnancy then she quietly considers that friendship over, at least for a few years.

Everyone was drunk and if I brought it up I'm not sure how much of the conversation they would even remember. I kept quiet about my pregnancy but it cast a shadow over the rest of the holiday. I feel very sad but like those friendships are on some level over now & my life is moving to a different place. AIBU quietly distancing myself from that group of friends without giving an explanation?

wow they're harsh. The friend who was very vocal does she have fertility issues? I'm pregnant and trying not to talk about it as I can feel myself becoming isolated

Well when they do find out they'll all feel like right dickheads if they remember the conversation. It's going to be them that feel bad. I'd sit back and enjoy. You'll soon see which are your friends and which aren't.

They're frank, which is probably why we used to all get on so well. She has told me (volunteered the info) that they're not trying yet. She has been the main point of support for her sister who is having issues, which is why it's such a sensitive issue.

Well I think there's some truth in it. I could have been perceived to have been smug during pregnancy, I was massively preoccupied most of the time. And if I ever had anything interesting to say, I don't now. I don't really go anywhere or read much or do much. I could well imagine friends being irritated by my absent and boring self.

That's very unkind the way they have phrased it. Some pregnant women do lord it but most I've known have just got on with it. I can sympathise with the sentiment of it being hard when all your friends seem to be having babies but they things they said were quite nasty.

Only thing I would say is that in drink people can say things for effect. Clearly there was a pregnant bashing theme and people went with it, I'm sure most of them would feel very ashamed when they find out you were pregnant at the time.

Congratulations by the way!

I'm sorry you feel you're boring now Mrsdusty but that doesn't mean millions of other women who bear and raise kids are.

OP your friends don't sound very nice. It's extra hurtful for you as you're pregnant but their attitude would be pretty repulsive and misogynistic even if you weren't. I would not want to be around a group so happy to verbally assassinate any section of society: the elderly, specific ethnic groups, benefit claimants or women who have kids. It's lazy ugly thinking.

Good luck with your pregnancy. Don't worry, you'll have a new focus for a while but you'll still be you.

I don't like the sound of all that. It must have been horrible for you. Don't think about them and enjoy your pregnancy.

I had a similar situation when I was pregnant with my first with two friends. 4 years and 2 children later we no longer see each other. But I am happy with my life and they are happy with theirs. Your life and friendships will change but it will be good and is part of growing. You'll make new friends through antenatal classes, baby groups etc. And your real friends will stick by you.

I think thats the difficult thing dusty busty, that there are truths in the pregnant woman cliches.

From what I can see the SIL is deemed smug as she fell pregnant within first month ttc, rubs her bump and is generally happy.

I just thought that they came across as being a bit bitter. I do think they'd feel bad if they'd known at the time that I was pregnant. I just don't know how much they're going to remember of that conversation, which makes it difficult to bring up.

I just don't know how to handle the situation. Should I ignore it and tell them I'm pregnant, knowing know how they actually feel about it. Do I just not tell them that I'm pregnant and let them discover if we bump in to each other and I have a small child in tow?

The thing is, you do have to give a lot of yourself over to it, especially in the early years and it has to take a lot of your time and mental/emotional space. It's a massive life change that you don't understand, can't really understand, until you're doing it. So I think it's OK to be frustrated with your friends who appear to be going over a wall to a different life and leaving you behind. In many ways, they kind of are.

Is there anyone in the group that you'd feel is particularly empathetic or not too invested in the bashing side of the conversation?

How long ago was this conversation? If you see one of them just tell them if you want to. Enjoy your pregnancy and let them deal with their own issues.

They probably are a little bitter. Maybe some of their pregnant friends are lording it a bit. Who knows? Wouldn't get too upset about it. They are the ones who will look like silly fuckers when you do tell them you're expecting.

Also, I've noticed that the things some friends used to say, which I used to love for being refreshingly honest and outspoken when we were younger, I now just find unnecessarily rude and bitchy. Most of my friends have grown out of that, but there are a few who are still at it. I don't see as much of them anymore. Maybe you've outgrown them?

Agree that they'll be mortified if they do remember, and that I'm sure they were drunkenly exaggerated for 'comic' effect. It must have been horrible for you and I'm sorry you had to be in such an unpleasant and awkward conversation.

I do think that there's probably a lot of their own issues going on there. I'm having a tough time having a baby (three early miscarriages) and although I try so hard not to - I know it's not their fault, and that their happiness takes nothing from me - it is so hard not to resent women who fell pregnant very easily with no difficulties. People do say stupid shit - I told one friend about my problems and she vaguely sympatheised and then said her husband was disappointed that she fell first month as he 'wanted more practice'. I haven't spoken to her much since. Again, that isn't the fault of any other, more sensitive pregnant women, and I know that but it's hard to completely quash those feelings of jealousy, resentment and unfairness. What I'm trying to say is, these kinds of feelings are clearly more about me than about them - and I'm sure that's true of at least some of your friends.