Being used by school mum?

[ColumboOnTheCase]

Hi all
I would like some opinions on a situation please, as I can't work it out for myself. I have known another mum on the school run for nearly 7 years, but have become closer since our youngest dc started preschool, her dc were quite shy and liked to be around my extroverted dc. We generally meet up with the kids at either parks each other's houses etc over school hols etc. She would ask me frequently to pick up or drop off her dc to and from school and parties and watch them at the latter while she went home. So far fine, as friends help each other out right. However when we chat in a group i.e. School playground etc she totally ignores me will speak with others like I am totally invisible.

Am I being used as a friend to call on when she needs help with her dc, do you think. Would I be unreasonable to distance myself from her?

My radar for this kind of thing is totally damaged as my narc mum has dominated most of life and I have only escaped from that fog fairly recently. Would appreciate some perspective, thanks for reading.

So she's friendly when she wants you to do her childcare favours but can't even be bothered to be courteous in a group or in front of others ?

She's an out and out user. I would stop the childcare favours unless it benefits you or your children.

Yes, she is using you. Back away...

Out of interest though, does she help you out equally or are you always the one doing favours?

I have a school mum like this. Your instinct is usually right. I suggest that you suddenly become a lot more busy over the next few months.

Does she hep you out as much as you help her?

Thanks bertha doesn't benefit me or my dc, tbh makes me feel pretty stupid when in a group as she dominates the conversations. She does arrange get togethers though, that's why I'm so confused.

you are right to take some distance. I've been through this. Stand your ground when you tell her that you can't do her childcare duties for her.

In that case, take the bits you want and reject the parts you don't. Assess each case individually. You might want to meet up, your dcs might enjoy the company - so go for it. She might be using you, no benefit to you, so on that occasion make an excuse. She'll probably back off a bit when she realises. If she drops you, you'll know she was just a user after all.

I asked her for a favour once she forgot and didn't turn up, was remorseful though. I have more dc than her therefore rarely ask for help, she would probably help but I get the feeling it's so that she can ask for more favours and I am wary of unreliable people.

Vanilla yes that's what I was thinking but can't trust myself, keep thinking that past experience have coloured my views

She might be talking to the others as she knows she will see you on a one to one basis very soon and is catching up with them while she has the chance. Join in these conversations more so you are included, not excluded.

I would suddenly start being busy when she asks for help - see if she's nicer yhenN

I don't really need favours but not being courteous in a group or in front of others that does bother me.

I do speak up within group conversations and am fine when in groups without her. I just can't understand why she would do this in groups yet ok one to one.

Stop giving her any more headspace whatsoever and just distance yourself. Who knows what the absolute truth is? Does it matter? Just behave in a way that makes you feel ok. If she's making you feel used don't help her. You don't need her help.

You're being used.
but you knew that already.
tell her you cant help any more - the MN mantra is "this doesn't work for me".
no reasons, no excuses, just end all favours.
call her today and tell her.

Yes she's a user I am afraid, I would steer clear of her, and say no when she asks you for things.

This not black and white in my view.

If I am being honest in a group situation I do not tend to speak to my closest friends, I tend to save our chats for when I see them one to one. They will often do the same...so it is entirely possible that she sees you as a more special friend and in this light will wait to talk to you properly when she sees you rather than small talk, however if she completely ignores you...as in does not say a word to you...then this is obviously really very bad of her indeed, and totally indefensible.

Before you cut off all ties do evaluate whether you will damage your dc friendships with her dc. If they value them highly it might be work considering continuing the alliance but ONLY when it is convenient to you and certainly no more childcare favours unless it suits you.

If dc are not esp close, and you have come to the conclusion she does ignore publicly I would cool the friendship down with a view to closing it down altogether, life is too short to be used.

I had 'friends' once who used to boast they had 'childcare' friends but never invited to parties, as they did not consider them good enough to be real friends of theirs...never heard of anything so horrid.

work should read worth

Columbo I think those of us with NMums go for a long time thinking we're oversensitive, or "it's just me" but actually I think we do ourselves a dis-service when we ignore our Narc Radar.

If you are feeling uncomfortable/not heard/used it's almost always with good reason. What you have to do is put yourself first and do as much or as little with this woman as YOU want to do. So if it benefits you, do it. If it makes you feel resentful or uncomfortable, be "too busy" or go and be on your phone (pretend if you need to) in the playground.

Don't ignore your gut feeling/Narc-tendency-radar though. 💐

"Childcare friends" littlebird. Unpaid staff more like. Good advice btw.

She does totally ignore me when somebody else comes along, to the point where whilst we were chatting and walking together she started chatting and walking off with somebody else, leaving me trailing behind them.

Thank you all for your opinions it has made things clearer, I think you are right I should listen to my instincts. I will back off from Monday and will avoid her over the summer.

Columbo - so she is completely rude and excluding you from conversations, what a complete cow when you are so kind and good to her.
You are way too nice to be waste time on someone like her, let her find a new babysitter and you can spend time with friends that value you in all situations groups or not. She sounds ghastly. The holidays are coming up, she is going to be calling in the favours from you left right and centre - freeze her out kindly and spend time with real friends or making real friends. Be prepared for her to notice quickly that you have ditched her and have some excuses ready!

Mummyoflittledragon - I am not kidding 'childcare' friends she said...I looked at her in a whole new light after that!! I seriously wondered how I would have felt being one of those.... It made me examine our friendship a little more closely I can tell you :)