AIBU to be sick of people telling me "all relationships go through bad patches" and "give it more time"??

[muminboots]

I may be being U about this but I am sick of it.

I am in the process of leaving my DH of 18 years. This is a decision I have AGONISED over for 10 years because of our children and me trying to make it work. There are insurmountable problems and I cannot stay anymore.

When I have told various people I have heard repeatedly "all relationships go through rough patches" "marriages take a lot of work" "oh but your children are so happy, you should try and stick it out" etc etc

I KNOW all of that. These comments make me feel like the person thinks I'm doing this lightly and don't have the intelligence to make a considered decision. Or that I am just being a selfish cow who hasn't thought about the consequences and that I am making up how bad things are.

Incidently these people include my mother and a supposed counselor

I am so grateful to the people who have believed me and trusted me and NOT said these things.

AIBU to tell the patronizing platitude brigade to fuck off? Or am I being too sensitive about this?

Maybe ask them how long? And if 10 years is not enough.

You should protect yourself and lean on the supportive people. Ignore those who ignore your feelings.

Stop telling people until it is done. Or just tell them to fuck off like you said.

Oh yes absolutely, the people who have been kind and supportive are wonderful.

The others I just don't understand why they want me to stay in a situation which makes me unhappy as if it's just what I deserve (massive projection there!) The counselor guy wrote this in an email and I'm seriously holding myself back from replying that he shouldn't be saying this to vulnerable people.

No happy marriage has ever ended in divorce, when people say these platitudes it generally speaks volumes about them rather than being a reflection on you.

Wishing you every happiness for the future

"Stop telling people until it is done."

This made me laugh! Yes maybe I should!

What did the cousellor write?

You do have to work on relationships but if you've tried for 10 years then you've done more than can reasonably be expected of you to make a go of it.
I think it's extremely unprofessional of your counsellor to say this to you. There are never supposed to tell you what to do they are are only there to help you to understand your feelings so that you can make an independent decision.

I had the same "advice" from a couple of people when I split up with exH. He really tried playing the victim too which made it worse!

I remember getting quite snappy with one person after I'd explained that I no longer loved, liked nor fancied him and she said "well I don't fancy my husband much either but marriage is so important". I told her that me being in a happy, fulfilling relationship would be much more beneficial to me and the kids than stuck with an arsehole in an unhappy marriage.

The counselor was one provided by my company and English is not his first language. When I saw him he did help me sort through the mess in my head to narrow down to concrete things I needed to do which was helpful.

Then he sent a long follow-up email saying I should remember that in relationships the feelings can come and go and that it may seem a relief now to leave but I should think that the practicalities will be difficult and consider it carefully. Basically he was saying that the grass is not always greener. I felt really upset by the implication that I have made this decision lightly because it seems easier.

To be fair he only spoke to me for an hour and doesn't really know me. But I felt "mansplained" to.

It looks to me like he suddenly realised that he could have been interpreted as encouraging you to leave and was covering his back with that email.
I wouldn't read too much into it.

YANBU.
some people are just stupid.
i do think after 10 years of struggle, you are more than justified in calling it a day. i'd have done it after 4.

marriage shouldn't have to be such a struggle.
you may only get 80 spins around the sun, or more, if you're lucky.
don't waste your time being unhappy, if you can fix it.

It took 9 years of trying to make it work before I left my marriage after 16 years. Friends said, that's such a shame and even now, 7 years later my mum still feels sorry for my ex even after knowing some of the things he did. It's their problem not yours. People will try and say it's a failed marriage. It's not. I prefer to think that it's a failure to stay in a relationship that is not making you happy. So hold your head up high and enjoy the liberation it brings!!

Yanbu. Some people give up on a marriage very quickly, but 10 years.. no one can say you haven't tried!

My mothers best reason for me staying in my unhappy marriage of a similar time frame to yours was that i'd just got a new kitchen

I feel your pain OP

(i left despite the new kitchen)