Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU to read his messages?

24 replies

TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 08:11

Already posted in relationships over what I read in said messages!
I know AIBU gets a lot of varied responses and I know I was unreasonable but how much so?
I need to tell him I read them and I want to prepare for how bad it is.
Is there any reasonable excuse? I get if you suspect cheating, but I didn't/don't.

OP posts:

storminabuttercup · 30/06/2017 08:12

Why did you read them?

ShatnersWig · 30/06/2017 08:14

How would you feel if he did that to you? Or read your diary if you kept one?

What was your excuse for doing this?

SumThucker · 30/06/2017 08:15

I haven't 'done anything' but I'd be seriously pissed off if my partner went through my messages. It's sneaky.

Mahlemaison · 30/06/2017 08:15

Can you post the full story here because that's not enough to go on

Ilovecoleslaw · 30/06/2017 08:16

Need more info

ShatnersWig · 30/06/2017 08:18

I just went and read your thread in relationships.

Probably make more sense for people to reply there than have these two threads running.

PurpleMinionMummy · 30/06/2017 08:21

It depends. Reading for the sake of it, yabu.

Reading because he's been acting out of character and you have genuine suspicions he's up to no good when you've never felt the need to question him or read his message before, not so U.

Original poster

TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 08:32

Sorry! Baby needed changing.

No suspicion of him at all, he left his phone and phoned from a friends to ask me to send details of a message that was on his. I saw chats to his friend and they mentioned me and I was curious and read them.
It's not about us and I know what I have to do in regards to the messages.

It just means telling him I read them and that's really bad isn't?

OP posts:

Nowaynowjose · 30/06/2017 08:49

I think most ppl would check the messages if they noticed their own name in there. He did ask you to look at his phone. And he's been a bit sneaky keeping that info from you...

ShatnersWig · 30/06/2017 08:51

Noway Why has been sneaky keeping info from her? If one of your friends told you something in confidence, would you go home and tell your other half? I wouldn't.

Nowaynowjose · 30/06/2017 09:28

It concerns a friend of theirsbeing cheated on, if I recall correctly. I don't remember the messages saying he had been told in confidence. I would be most upset if a friend knew I was being cheated on and didn't tell me, so I think he shouldn't have kept it from her in the first place.

ShatnersWig · 30/06/2017 09:35

Not quite.

Friend of OP's boyfriend is cheating on his DP. OP's boyfriend knows about it and isn't happy or condoning it but is keeping out of it (which an awful lot of people on MN would advise because of "don't shoot the messenger").

The DP is a friend of the OP. OP read the messages (which she shouldn't have done) and discovered the above. Now stuck between rock and a hard place.

But I don't think it is being sneaky for the boyfriend not to tell the OP.

Nowaynowjose · 30/06/2017 09:51

OP is friends with the DP who is being cheated on, and has also told OP that her boyfriend has been 'off' with her. I'm assuming OPs boyfriend knows the DP as well. Fine if you're of a different opinion, maybe 'sneaky' isn't the most appropriate word, but I still think it's not nice to let someone continue in ignorance of their partner being a cheating asshat when you could help them out.

Original poster

TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 10:00

Shatners right Noway my boyfriend has been friends with the cheater since primary, is loyalty lies with him.
The messages are clear he doesn't agree or condone it and he said he won't lie or cover for him at all. But I don't really think he should tell me or even her.
I don't think I would if it was one of my best friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 10:00

His not is

OP posts:

rightwhine · 30/06/2017 10:09

If he told you I would tell her but you shouldn't know so don't. I'd be very upset you read my messages in those circumstances.

Thefuryroad · 30/06/2017 10:11

Can you help her find out another way? You know he's cheating, he can't be that smart. If she goes hunting she'll bust him.

Thefuryroad · 30/06/2017 10:12

I probably would fess up to reading my OH's messages in that situation honestly and tell my friend and take the fall out. Only if it was a very good friend of mine though. I've been the messenger before and it didn't end well for me, I'd only do it again for someone I really loved.

MsSusanStoHelit · 30/06/2017 10:16

Any chance he set this up so you would read the messages? Even subconsciously?

That way he has no guilt over the girlfriend finding out - "mate, I said I wouldn't tell her she's I didn't, my wife saw my phone, what can I say?" blink blink innocent face.

LilyMcClellan · 30/06/2017 10:19

My partner could access my phone and if he read my messages I would assume he would either be bored by the mechanics of my day today life or dazzled by my witty banter with friends.

I honestly wouldn't care if he read them, though I don't imagine he's ever thought to. Are you sure he'd even care?

FooFighter99 · 30/06/2017 10:31

Do you think he set this up so you would find those messages and so he would have someone to share this secret with and halve his burden? Maybe he wants you to confront him so he can get it off his chest and stop lying to you.

Just a thought

CallMeMaybe · 30/06/2017 10:37

Yabvu. Presumably he didn't tell you about the affair because he knew you wouldn't be able to keep your mouth shut.

It's one thing to spot a message and read it, it's quite another to go looking further for more messages. Had an ex who did this, and when he didn't find what he was looking for he hacked into my social media accounts, then moved on to stalking my phone if I went out, bugging the house....

My phone is an open book and if my DP happened upon a message on my screen and read that it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. But if he actively went looking I would be questioning why.

shockthemonkey · 30/06/2017 10:43

As I posted on the other thread, you can just say you saw your name mentioned while scrolling.

You can then say "why are you discussing keeping a secret from me?" and imply that you are concerned for your relationship.

He will then probably open up of his own accord, just to allay your fears.

I can't be sure but I suspect I would have opened up a message of DH's if it mentioned me!!! I would suspect a surprise party was being planned or something. Maybe, if you don't want to play the "is there something you are hiding from me regarding our relationship?" card, you can ask him if he's planning a surprise party/baby shower and remind him how much you hate those things... this may also get him to open up!

Original poster

TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 16:24

He hadn't meant for me to see the messages. He just hadn't thought when he'd asked me to go on his WhatsApp that I might see and even if he had, he wouldn't have expected me to read them!!

Anyway he knows, I know all the details and we aren't really talking!!

OP posts:

Flip