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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not an AIBU but a question.

28 replies

KrayKray00 · 29/06/2017 20:54

Would you still be with your partner if it wasn't for the children?

I love my OH dearly. Really I do. But I do wonder sometimes if our relationship would survive if it wasn't for the fact we have young children.

There's a number of times I would of walked away from our relationship but the reason I stay is because I don't want to "break our family up".

Nothing extreme. He has never had an affair or been violent ect but the silly things wind me up, staying out wayyyy later than said (with "the lads"). Continuing friendships with fake, two faced certain types of people I do not like. Personal hygiene and mainly lack of ambition.
Simple things yet would be easier to leave a relationship over those things if no children were involved
I wouldn't want my kids to say "Mum and Dad split up because she couldn't stand the fact he only brushed his teeth once a day" or "Dad went out last night (again) with Andy the arsehole and didn't come home till 4am... so Mum left him".

You get the idea.
He isn't career driven and is happy to work in a dead end job with minimum wage where as I would love and have always imagine my OH to want a well paid enjoyable career with rewarding benefits. To be like a power couple I think children also changed that idea

I am only young. I would never want to break my family apart, but I just expected so much more. I do want my family to stay together, I do want it to stay us, but I also want more from life.

I don't know what to say really I just wondered if I wasn't alone when thinking children hold relationships together.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/06/2017 20:58

Good question.

I'm honestly not sure as any problems we've had have only been since having dc, because life is harder with children, so without the dc there wouldn't have been any problems ifyswim.

I'm not sure is my final answer!

PotteringAlong · 29/06/2017 21:00

Yes. Without a doubt.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/06/2017 21:04

I also think that say when dh doesn't do the dishes when it's really his turn, what am I supposed to do - divorce him? Your hands are a bit tied when it's trivial things which aren't worth splitting a family up over.

Purplemac · 29/06/2017 21:10

I'm the higher earner in our relationship and DH is unlikely to ever earn much more than min wage. Although my salary is only about £35k, I work closely with lawyers who earn about £200k. I very occasionally think of how much easier my life would be if i had just married one of them and wouldn't have to struggle every single month.

Then all I have to do is look at my DH and I know I made the right choice. He is worth a bit of struggling. I'd be bored stiff if I'd married anyone else whereas he still makes me laugh every single day.

Notthebossofnetflicks · 29/06/2017 21:17

Following with interest.

Original poster
KrayKray00 · 29/06/2017 21:23

Aww PurpleMac that's lovely.

I do love my OH and he makes me laugh (with and at him...) and I am sure he has the same feeling sometimes "Kraykray hasn't ironed the clothes again, Kraykray has left her hair pins and false eyelashes on the side... again, she's a douchebag when she is drunk" Works both ways I'm sure 😂

OP posts:
lifetothefull · 29/06/2017 21:23

Yes I would be still with him. Absolutely.
If these things are bothering you about your DP, then similar small things would bother you about any other man you got together with. There would always be something.

Brahms3rdracket · 29/06/2017 21:30

Yes definitely after 23 years I would choose him over anyone else. We didn't have our dcs until we'd been together for 13 years though, so I'd tested him out thoroughly before committing Grin

Lightheartedindeed · 29/06/2017 21:32

No

LilithTheKitty · 29/06/2017 21:35

Nope.

QuiteLikely5 · 29/06/2017 21:41

Those are serious issues though.

Relationships need respect and you clearly don't respect his career choices - no offence but you should have thought about that before you had kids with him

Anyway the grass is rarely greener so if I was you I'd continue to water your current patch

justdontevenfuckingstart · 29/06/2017 21:41

I am with my partner for him because all our kids ( not together) are grown up.
I stayed with ex husband for the children. He left, right decision.

Husband 1 no way.
Number 2 yes.

needsomesunshineandwine · 29/06/2017 21:45

Definitely, we annoy the hell out of each other but don't think I'd ever have connection or get on with someone the way we do😊

Turquoiserosepeony · 29/06/2017 21:48

I guess I'm the opposite - I left DP despite having a young baby as I wasn't happy. He wasn't abusive or horrible, I just knew that he was no longer the right person for me. I felt bad but told myself that it was better to not demonstrate to baby DD that you should stay in a relationship that isn't right for you. Some people might not agree with me.

CadnoDrwg · 29/06/2017 21:50

No. I'm hotheaded. So is he. Before we had our first we were on the verge of breaking up because neither of us would back down in an argument and it was getting tedious.

Then I got pregnant and we grew up. We decided to both pull our socks up, act like adults and let our love be enough even when we didn't see eye to eye, all for the sake of our baby. If it failed least we knew we'd tried.

Fortunately it did work and 10 years on we're happily married with two children. We put the children's need before our stubbornness and it does wonders for our relationship as a lovely side effect.

Technically we're together because of our daughter, but that's only because she made us grow up. I couldn't be with him if I didn't love him or his behaviour was awful, irrespective of our girls.

krustykittens · 29/06/2017 21:57

I love my DH to bits and would never be without him. The two stroppy teenagers, however, I could do without, especially tonight when they have spent all evening being rude, stroppy, belligerent little madams to each other and ruined our evening with a toxic atmosphere.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 29/06/2017 22:22

DH and I always say that we're not perfect - we're just perfect for each other. It doesn't mean that little things don't wind us up sometimes, but they genuinely don't seem to matter.

RiversrunWoodville · 29/06/2017 22:29

This is a tough one for me, I love my DH and he is and always has been my best friend, he is a great dad and we are happy on the surface. Underneath my life has changed so much I have some chronic illnesses and between the pain a cosleeping dd and memories of losing twins which almost killed me too our sex life is non existent and while he is patient I know he misses the closeness and I wonder if he is just here for the sake of the family

PoppyFleur · 29/06/2017 22:33

I love DH but more than that, I really like and respect him. I am never bored in his company, he makes me laugh and there is nobody's opinion I respect more.

Yes, life has changed since having DC but we were prepared for that and we enjoyed several years of selfishness and frivolity before becoming parents.

BenLui · 29/06/2017 22:39

Yes, I adore him.

We were together a very long time before having kids though.

ChildishGambino · 29/06/2017 22:45

This is just my view, but...

Having come from a broken home where I've never to this day seen my DM and MF in the same room I chose very carefully who to have children with and I'll do everything I can to make sure we are together forever and her story is better than mine.

Again, just my opinion but she's more important than either of us.

Nectarines · 29/06/2017 22:47

No.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 29/06/2017 22:53

Yes. He's awesome (according to me Grin)

We were together for 11 years before we had kids though so there was plenty of time to work out the kinks & learn to fight argue more efficiently!

Waddlelikeapenguin · 29/06/2017 22:54

People saying no - do you anticipate starting over once your kids are grown?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 29/06/2017 22:55

Absolutely not.