to not know how to help dd maintain friendships

[MinnieMolly12345]

DD is 11 and will start high school in September. She is kind, caring and likeable, but she doesn't mix well with groups of girls her own age. She has friends who are younger, or plays with the boys, but the girls in her class seem to have rejected her. We have moved a lot and this has happened in more than 1 school, so I think it's an issue with DD rather than with the girls in her class. Problem is - I honestly don't have a clue what she's doing wrong. When I have raised it with different schools, the teacher says she's lovely and there isn't an issue (or that it's DD who doesn't try to be included). But if the younger kids aren't in the playground and she goes up to her classmates group, they will not speak to her. If I knew what the problem was I could try to help, but I'm at a loss and really upset that the pattern keeps repeating.

I wonder whether it's not so much doing anything wrong, as withdrawing herself from what the teacher says.

If a child comes up to a group, listens to the chat, then decides that she isn't interested so goes off and reads/plays on their own (this was one of my dc) then the group assume that they aren't interested in being friends.
The group then don't make any effort to include them as they are thinking that they don't want to be included.
So the child assumes they don't want to be friends and doesn't try joining in... and it's a circular issue.

I was talking to my 16yo the other day about how someone who is pushy and says "am I invited" will probably get an invite (at her age), whereas they don't think "oh, Jemima over there is not saying anything, she should be invited because she's polite"-they assume that Jemima isn't interested in going, so don't ask.

Snap with my DS. Hoping senior school this year will change this for him

I'd recommend guides - it's helped my dd a lot. She has a few friends there now and some of them go to her school. It isn't as cliquey as school. They're doing activities every week, so it's easier to chat with people.

Also martial arts - I never thought dd would enjoy it and she sort of fell into it by accident, but it's given her a real sense of belonging. All the ages mix for activities and they're constantly changing partners for practice. It's a lot of fun and dd enjoys progressing up the belts.

I think secondary school may well be easier in that there are so many clubs/groups for them to find similar people.

I recognise so much of your description of your daughter in myself at her age. I was very clever, very kind, very naive and socially very young. Earlier in school I had several friends but as they matured, my social naivety/ lack of social skills became more and more obvious. Unfortunately this only increased in secondary school and resulted in my being horrendously bullied by both boys and girls.

To be honest things didn't make sense until my son was diagnosed with autism and I began to research autism in boys and girls. I identified so much with my son, despite him presenting very differently. When I looked into girls on the spectrum, the words literally described my childhood and teenage years. It was so obvious that my husband spotted it immediately and said that I was definitely on the spectrum and a lot of things started to make sense to both of us.

It might be worth looking up autism in girls, girls are much better at masking their social defecits but it becomes harder to hide as their friends start to mature and they are left behind. My parents must have realised I had difficulties as my Mum had me enrolled in drama classes, which honestly were a nightmare for me but I know now that they taught me so many social skills! I went on to get good grades at school and to study primary teaching. My friends would probably describe me as kind, friendly and confident socially! I honestly credit drama classes for that! My husband obviously knows me much more intimately, he is really one of the few people I have always been myself with.

I know that most threads come up with people who suggest autism. I have studied autism in girls and boys extensively and been on numerous training courses. So I don't suggest this lightly. There are websites, books and you tube videos, that can really help if you suspect this might be your daughters issue. I feel I must clarify that boys and girls on the spectrum can present very differently! So just because she is nothing like the boy in her class or your friends child doesn't mean its not possible. I have a favourite line ' if you have seen one child on the spectrum, you have seen one child on the spectrum'. Every autistic child is unique 😊.

This is an interesting read on the ways girls present differently

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/why-autism-is-different-for-girls-1907315.html

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/gender.aspx

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is.aspx