Stopping aggression in a 3 year old

[cjt110]

M

We have had similar and nursery were also concerned. It's not completely gone now (5yo) but is a lot better.

I'm a HUGE HUGE fan of Calmer Easier Happier Parenting. First chapter available free on Kindle. The most important part of it is Descriptive Praise - telling him when he's doing something right. In a normal trigger situation, "well done you we put on your shoes with no kicking! That's so calm, such a grown up boy!". Not just "good boy". Real details of what he did right. Gap in hitting - "good for you you've stopped hitting" even if you have to say it REALLY QUICKLY.

Though I completely disagree with scaring him/smacking him, it may help if your DH chimes in with "it makes me so sad when you hit Mummy", you both need to be on the same page and he needs to understand other people's emotions.

Our DS reacted the same to time out at this age (now, he will take himself to calm down in his room but we don't do time out formally). Nursery did "sit by me for a calm down time but I'm not talking to you right now thanks" and that worked well. DH managed to get that to work too but I never had much success I'm afraid!

We had a spell when we used "nappy on - no kicking - YouTube video before bed".
But other than that we don't really use rewards. We use choices more - do you want to brush your teeth or is Mummy doing it?

DrSpouse all v good things which we have found helpful too. Just to add - giving lots of warning that these things are about to happen helps as well.

So - ' We'll go change your nappy in a moment shall we? Just finish what you're doing and we'll go up."
Then - 'Right mister lets go upstairs and get that bum changed shall we? Will you help me and hold the wipes, oh, thank you so much. We can have a programme when we come back down if we get it done quickly enough.."

Then if he kicks off anyway, no programme because it didn't happen quickly enough and you've 'run out of time' ;)

Its just fucking relentless.

My husband is great and will take charge when my son is being aggressive. He will take himself off with DS and give him time out and explain he's been naughty by kicking and how it hurt and made Mummy sad. He will then tell him he needs to apologise etc so we are on the same page with it all.

I suppose it upsets me that it's ME he is doing this to.

Can you use your voice a bit more powerfully? I don't mean screetching or yelling, but make your voice a little louder, slower and deeper.

Put the emphasis on the last word. Make sure you sound and act firm.

You are in charge, try to make sure you feel in charge or he will pick up on your body language.

Choices, I agree too many choices are bad.

However if you give only 2 fixed choices, both of which are a win for you then it can work well.

E.g. Are you going to put on your trainers or your wellieboots?

Do you want to wear the red t shirt or the blue one?

It can sometimes avoid the "I don't want to put my shoes/clothes on" because they are too busy deciding which ones to think about the no shoes/clothes option. If they do go for that, reminder of the choice, and if they don't choose you will.

It may seem easy at the time to back down, but it makes life harder for you later.

I'd also go for some easy to remember rules with positive alternatives

E.g. Hands are for holding not for hitting.

You can kick footballs but you mustn't kick mummy

Teeth are for eating not for biting people. Or mouths are for kissing not biting.

Pick yours and repeat like a broken record.

Maybe when your husband isn't around you could use the same language he does, and talk about yourself in the 3rd person.

E.g. Remember what Daddy said, it makes mummy very sad when you hit her.

Have some

Can you use your voice a bit more powerfully? I don't mean screetching or yelling, but make your voice a little louder, slower and deeper. Already do this. Sometimes helps. When he's in the mindset he is in, doesn't help one iota.

Good suggestions on the phrases.

I think perhaps because my husband only steps in when it gets "bad" he realises his Dad means business. We have different parenting. I will fuss and faff and "manage" DS' day whereas Dh will just let him be and do his thing.

It can feel relentless and hopeless and like you're talking to a bloody wall sometimes, but it will sink in and he will get there

I can feel myself getting cross when he's like that. Thats why I do time out instead of anything else. It gives us both a break

Yeah, it is relentless, I get you.
It will end, it really will.
but I still have to nag my 8yo about teeth
But hair? I've never brushed his hair!

Phil I wish I could get away without brushing it. It looks like a fucking wire wool ball otherwise....

I don't care so much about that... you should see my hair!
I found a lot of the techniques in the explosive child (recommended above, and v good too) worked on me. So I counted to 5 in my head before speaking, to curb my anger/annoyance/irritation etc. And I had a voice in my head repeating "she's 2, it's two-ness not naughtiness!" practically permanently.
And after a bit, I believed it. And her behaviour became funny to me (I never laughed at her, just amused myself, or told DH later). Once I removed the concept of "naughty" from the situation, I didn't get so angry and cross and exasperated. Does that make sense?
Don't get me wrong- there's always stuff they do that's too far, but that's how they learn where the boundaries are, and how they feel safe, by knowing when to stop.
Consistency, reiteration, kindness.
Offload to DH when you can, or on mn- this place is a lifesaver and a sanity saver.
He'll be at school before you know it, with a whole different set of issues...

PhilODox Don't bloody say that

Walk away and ignore him the second he hurts you. As long as his safe then leave the room. Wait for him to come to you, when he does ask him what he says for hurting you. If he still doesn't say sorry then continue to ignore him until he does. But I think he probably will say sorry so you shouldn't need to.

Once everything has calmed down have a conversation about hurting others and how it upsets people.

It'll pass but don't pay any attention to him when he lashes out. Just leave the room and look busy washing up or something.