DD is almost 5. She has struggled daily, forever. Her sleep is appalling. She hates affection or physical contact - screams throughout teeth and hair brushing and washing. She has a very limited diet and eats the same foods in the same order each day. She has never had a friend. She isolates herself. She has no tact whatsoever. One minor incident in the morning will mean the rest of the day is a write off. She won't use toilets anywhere but home and doesn't want to go out. She flaps and covers her ears at crowds and noise. She used to run into the road to escape if the wind blew on her. I have worked with children with ASD and am 100% sure that is why she's struggling.
Before she started nursery I went in to voice my concerns. I told them DD was under a paediatrician and handed them the autism questionnaire to complete and return three months after starting nursery. DD would come out of nursery and completely ignore the other children. She wouldn't eat, drink or use the toilet there. She said it was too noisy and the other children were irritating. A little girl took a particular liking to DD and one day was distraught because DD told her she didn't like her and to leave her alone. Her teacher told her off (which sends DD absolutely hysterical - even the slightest hint of wrongdoing and she cannot cope) and later I spoke to DD and she just couldn't see what the problem with being honest was, and thought it was good that the girl had been upset because maybe she'd leave her alone now. I organised play dates with friends DC and DD completely ignored them or actually ran away from them. Nursery completed the questionnaire after she'd been there for three sessions answering the direct opposite to anything that might indicate autism and wrote that DD presents as a completely normal 3 year old 
When she started reception, again she wouldn't eat, drink or use the toilet for the first six months. She'd go to activities Then move away if other children joined her. She ignored her peers outside of school. She's always been reluctant to go and the morning is full of upset but it's nothing to do with leaving me. Her work was years above the average. Her reception teacher only filled in three questions and wrote that the rest weren't relevant to this age group 
So another six months to wait for a review and today I discovered what the new reception teacher had responded to the questionnaire. It only scored 50 so no diagnosis. The 'struggles to make friends' question was answered 'slightly agree' - she's only last week classed someone as a friend, before this everyone was too noisy end irritating. The 'struggles with changes to routine' was definitely disagreed with, even though she's come out of school inconsolable if the teacher or day has unexpectedly changed.
The paediatrician kept repeating that she's coping fine at school and doing really well in her school work so there's no need to worry. That she may well have traits but as long as it doesn't affect her schooling it's fine Have we tried sleep training? Have we tried refusing to let her be faddy with food? Have we tried punishing her for hitting and being rude? Apparently all her issues must just be coincidences because she's alright during school hours.
It's bloody ridiculous that I see her 1:1 in so many situations and how she struggles, and know how we adapt absolutely everything to her yet her teacher who has thirty other children to concentrate on holds more weight than I do. It's ridiculous that the paediatrician thinks that because she can hold it together for a few hours at school, the hours of misery at home don't matter.
I argued my way to a further review but honestly, I feel it's pointless and that as long as DD continues to be withdrawn and isolated at school then she's going to be totally ignored and unsupported. AIBU to think the whole process is absolutely flawed and frustrating?