Have NC'd...
I am an attractive woman, a model in my youth (this is relevant, promise!) - now in my late 30s. I am now in a senior role in a very male-oriented industry where socialising and being friendly and well-connected (and competent and helpful obviously!) is fundamental to success at my job.
I take care of myself and always look very presentable - but not overly sexy- for work events. Importantly, I am extremely content with my home situation and certainly not 'up for it'.
Over the years there have been rumours fabricated about me originating from (I suspect) a particularly nasty but somehow well-liked female colleague who has since left but who I still see on the circuit. I can't stop going to events, it's fundamental to what I do and I do love my job. Since all of this I am more careful than ever not to drink too much or get into a one on one situation which could either become inappropriate or be misinterpreted - and always go home these days rather than stay in a hotel like my colleagues, to avoid any more fodder for persistent rumours.
I thought I was handling all this responsibly and with grace, but quite recently at an event, I had an older female work colleague, who I am friendly with, try to reassure me that I 'shouldn't feel like I had to put myself out there and flirt with men to validate myself'. She also suggested that I might consider 'dulling myself down' a bit if I want to get along. I do think she meant well, and just maybe trying to be sisterly but not articulating herself properly as she was a bit tipsy....but it's just really struck a nerve. Again.
Most of the guys I deal with know me well and know about my happy family situation. I feel widely respected and valuable to them. While very occasionally there is an issue with someone I don't know well overstepping, which I shut down, this really seems to be a perception problem internally with my own colleagues.
AIBU to think that without actively taking steps to make myself less attractive, there is just no middle ground between me thinking I'm just being pleasant and apparently appearing to my colleagues as if I am 'sexually available' to our clients when I am just engaging normally with the 97% of my industry who happen to be male?
If you are able to navigate this sort of thing, please tell me how you do it!! I'm just done trying to ignore it and be both pleasant to everyone and not nastily gossiped about or patronised. I'd be very grateful for any advice.