to feel like my 'sweet as pie' friend is actually a mean girl

[lill72]

I have a group of girlfriends and we get along really well. Have just been away together. However on the last trip with one of my friends, I saw this really mean side to her come out. I was travelling with her friends and it was like she did not want me there. She belittled me in front of them and when it came to choosing a room, she grabbed the best room without me, instead happy that I share with two girls I did not know. Thankfully, the other girls were amazing and I got along with them more than I ever have with this friend. We are culturally very different and i think there is a lot of lost in translation. I recently feel like she looks down on my country and me. This trip really highlighted her selfishness to me. She never asks questions, only talks about herself and cannot see another way other than hers.

I know that she knows what she is doing, as she once apologised to me after the death of my mother. She wasnt really there for me, then her mum died and she realised how bad it can be.

On the most recent trip, again she grabbed the best room, was quite happy to take the credit for the hotel that I found, quick to criticise if I chose the wrong bar etc and was just always making fun or disagreeing with something I said, but as english is her second language she doesnt get the subleties of what I am saying sometimes.

I know she hates her father as he was/is really mean, so I feel this trait is a little ingrained in her. But she comes across as sweet as pie to everyone so no one has picked up on this.

At the airport she wanted to go shopping rather than wait for me to do check-in and I got a bit upset as we always have to wait for her and she is unashamed about it and makes us wait a lot. I got upset s everyone waited and probably thought I was mad. They dont realise. She was sweet as pie to me after that, as she knows what she did is wrong.

How do I go on with the friendship from here? I have to keep the peace to be part of the group. I am just sick of her always controlling things and being, well a little mean.

Why are you still friends with her?

Sit down with her. Talk with her. Try to use non accusatory language. Discuss the issue! :)

Just cut her out. She's not worth it.

I know that she knows what she is doing, as she once apologised to me after the death of my mother. She wasnt really there for me, then her mum died and she realised how bad it can be.

But surely this story shows the exact opposite - she didn't know what she was doing and was apologetic when she realised? This friendship definitely sounds like it's run it's course but I'm not sure she deserves to be demonised like this - just accept that you two aren't compatible and move on.

fatbottom - I do like her on some level, but the last couple of trips have opened my eyes to some bad traits. I am friends with her as part of a group. We were some mums put together so we did not choose each other. Has all been lovely up until recently. Bit hard to cut out without cutting out the whole group.

margaret - yes maybe not compatible is the right word for it. We are very different people. Perhaps she didnt know what she was doing in that instance, but other times like grabbing a room without including me was very deliberate.

I'm reading this and wondering whether we have a shared "friend".
The person in question didn't "get" it. Couldn't see how rude she'd been during a special celebration, left me out of stuff despite doing things for her. I had enough and just severed contact.
If you have to remain friends due to the shared group, I think you need to have a calm but direct conversation with her.

I think, just don't expect a whole lot from her - if you want to carry on as part of the group.

super - she does sounds very similar. I have organised lunch at my place and on one occasion she tried to get everyone to her house for lunch instead. No idea of what she is doing. She just does not get it on many levels

I agree Peaface - I am going to keep my distance from her and not expect anything from her

I've an ex friend like this everyone thinks she's a saint but I know she's a nasty spiteful bully

She sounds sly. I worked with someone like her. Acted like butter wouldn't melt but was a nasty, little shit stirrer. Her shit stirring was always put across as being concerned about the other person. She always got out of work early, no matter that the rest of us stayed behind working unpaid time. Got the days off that she wanted. She was very good at playing the sympathy card, but I knew her outside work and knew she was telling them a load of bull. They've FINALLY cottoned on now, after years of this.

Keep your distance. It sounds like the others are catching on to what she's like.

I can only see a selfish and mean person here, nothing sweet as pie about her. Distance yourself from her, and have as little to do with her as possible.

Aero - she is nice in her generosity strangely. I think it is a cultural thing. Generous with food and anything else she can lend or give you. So comes across as very giving. But also very controlling in our group and never understanding of your feelings. Or not wanting to be empathetic of your feelings I should say. She just can't see something from anyone elses point of view

Oh right, my mums Mediterranean friend was like that, very generous with her things, cooking for you, but would also put you down, and belittle you. My mum distanced herself, as it just got too much. Funnily enough my mum is Mediterranean too.

Yes I think because she is so generous with all of these things that she comes across as very sweet. But her total inability to relate me just leaves me feeling bad about myself every time I see her. It has taken me a long while to work this out.

I wod distance myself from her tbh.

Aero - i think I have been doing this unconciously anyway for a while but am going to be very careful with ongoing contact