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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty after unsolicited advice?

29 replies

ZestyLimeAndKiwi · 27/06/2017 09:35

At baby group I was talking to a group of ladies two of which I know out of baby group and one I only know through the group, infact this was only the second time I had met her.
They all have DC that are about ten months whereas my DC is 9 weeks so I feel a bit of a novice compared to them.
We were talking about co-sleeping. I told them that DC comes in bed with me at 4:30am when she wakes up and I keep her with me till we get up at half seven. I'm sure this is probably giving her awful habits 😬 but it has been working for us.
Later in the session I was feeding DC from a bottle and the lady who I don't know too well said to me "You do know you shouldn't co-sleep with a formula fed baby". Now I feel terrible. DC Is formula fed in the day and breast at night. I honestly didn't know that I shouldn't do it. I also feel really foolish and silly that she was telling me what's best for DC. Do I try and stop this habit now? AIBU for feeling a bit foolish for not knowing this and a bit miffed this stranger told me.

OP posts:
AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 27/06/2017 09:37

Either its sensible advice and you should be glad someone told you something you need to know, or its just an opinion and you can ignore it entirely.
Work out which it is.

Allthewaves · 27/06/2017 09:40

co-sleeping is very emotive topic. Do your research and make an educated decision. Your going to get lots of unsolicited advice, just smile and nod

ParisGellar · 27/06/2017 09:41

You can co sleep with a FF baby. It can increase risk of sids though.

ASatisfyingThump · 27/06/2017 09:42

As long as your baby is safe and it's working for you, carry on as you see fit. This is just the beginning, you'll get unsolicited advice from random for the next 18 years, very little of which is actually useful. People don't pass comment to help you, they do it to make themselves feel good.

HildaOg · 27/06/2017 09:43

It makes no difference how the child is fed. Co sleeping only needs to be avoided if you are overweight, a heavy sleeper, take drugs or alcohol, smoke and don't have something to block them from falling off the bed if they roll over.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 27/06/2017 09:43

When you have a baby everyone and their dog likes to give advice!! But it's up to you if u want to follow it. You will know what works for your family and if u are unsure, do some research based on facts.

I did co sleep with my daughter although all professionals will advice against it due to the risks whether you are breastfeeding or formula feeding.

Thinkingblonde · 27/06/2017 09:46

Did you ask her why you shouldn't co sleep with a formula feed baby and what evidence she had to back up her advice? Not in a confrontational way, more of a "Oh I didn't know that, could you tell me why and how can I find out more, could you direct me to a website or a book so that I can read up on it"? Head tilt, smile and pleasant voice.
I have no idea if she's right or not but some of the unsolicited advice I got over the years was downright dodgy.

TenForward82 · 27/06/2017 09:50

I understand your concern, OP, but everyone is full of advice when you have a baby. Try to ignore

Screwinthetuna · 27/06/2017 09:52

Just smile and change the subject. You know what's best for your own baby and can do your own research, if you feel the need.
If you want to carry on co sleeping and feel the need to justify yourself, simply say that SIDS is almost unheard of in areas of the world where the vast majority of people co sleep and that your carbon dioxide output when you are breathing is actually a stimulant to make the baby breathe.
I can't see why it would make any difference if a baby is FF or breastfed. Do what you feel comfortable with and ignore patronising advice.

supersop60 · 27/06/2017 09:55

Ditto to pp. Everyone will tell you how they did it and theirs is the only / right way. Do your own research and do what's best for you. When my DD was tiny, she wouldn't sleep on her back - screaming, wriggling, uncomfortable etc (we found out later it was reflux). Research showed me that in Australia babies were being put on their tummies. In the end we put her on her side and it helped. Ie, when you get the advice, smile and nod, and then do what you think is best! Congrats on baby!

ChildishGambino · 27/06/2017 09:57

I echo what previous posters have said, DD is now 7 months and I've been told so many different bits of 'helpful advice', including breastfeeding advice from men! Ignore.

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/06/2017 10:09

Try to disaggregate your ego and your emotional reaction from someone having more information than you, from whether you think the information is useful to you.

is it?

Maybe do some research.

But certainly don't feel bad about not knowing it already - there's a lot to learn, and most of its boorrrring.

youhavetobekidding · 27/06/2017 10:10

speak to your health visitor for advice about what's OK (or not). Advice does change from time to time

MissMarpleSparkles · 27/06/2017 10:11

I also have been given breastfeeding advice from men.... namely my neighbour who liked to tell me how his DILs were doing it better.Hmm

If it worries you, OP then do your own research and ask your HV. everyone has an opinion on something. Some opinions may be barking, others sensible.....I have no idea what this one is as I never co-slept, but if it is worrying you then sensible to research. :)

Moreisnnogedag · 27/06/2017 10:13

Oh ignore. As soon as you are pregnant and then have a baby every man and their dog feels that they can offer you advice, based solely on what they felt right for their own children (or, occasionally, for their future children).

If you look at things online and there's no general consensus either way (on reputable sites) then do what ever you fancy. If there's a strong "don't ever ever do this" kind of feeling then you can be pretty sure it's alright.

YoureNotASausage · 27/06/2017 10:13

I would have laughed and said politely 'oh really, never heard that. Why is that?'. In any case you bf at night so her point is moot.

But seriously, its your choice not hers. I'm always interested in new information but unless there are big signs up in the hospitals and in your notes that 'Danger! Cosleeping with ff babies may cause death!' I classify all this information as good to know and add to the list of million things you need to be aware about and careful of.

PinkHeart5911 · 27/06/2017 10:14

Don't take everything strangers or infact anyone says as the right way to do things.

Educate yourself about it by reading up to make sure your doing it right.

When you've got dc the world and his wife wants to tell you how to do things and sometimes that advice is welcome & needed but sometimes they will be talking rubbish. You have to learn to research and make your own mind up

Moreisnnogedag · 27/06/2017 10:14

Oh bugger. Meant to say "pretty sure its not alright"

Crumbs1 · 27/06/2017 10:17

It's twaddle. Look at Lullaby Trust website for factual information.

Crunchymum · 27/06/2017 10:21

The OP says she breastfeeds at night?

Don't ask and HCP as they do not promote co-sleeping.

ChasedByBees · 27/06/2017 10:32

OP, there is some evidence about formula fed babies being less safe while cosleeping but this is due to the position of the baby in the bed. For example, if not breastfeeding, the baby may be placed face to face on the pillow. As you're breastfeeding during the night I don't think her advice applies to you.

www.isisonline.org.uk/hcp/where_babies_sleep/parents_bed/how_parents_bedshare/bedsharing_and_nonbreastfeeders/

I think you'll receive lots of advice from well meaning people - it's the effect of children! Just try and smile and nod. Some people may have a point, most won't.

witsender · 27/06/2017 10:34

It was strictly true in the respect that the hormones etc released by bf make for lighter sleep for the mother, so they are less likely to roll on them in a deep sleep.

But you do BF, so that is of no consequence!

Shadow666 · 27/06/2017 10:38

Just smile and ignore. That's what I did with about 95% of the unsolicited advice I was given. People really do talk a lot of shit when it comes to babies. No point in getting into arguments about it though.

valeriej43 · 27/06/2017 10:49

My twins slept with me when they woke for feeds,one on each arm, i am a light sleeper, and stayed on my back with one at each side,they slept much better like that
I know it can be a dangerous thing to do, but i knew i would stay in that position, and i was and still am very slim,
They are 45 years old now and we are very close,i think it helps with bonding,
If i was a heavy sleeper or overweight i wouldnt have done it, or if i had been drinking, which i didnt do,

freemanbatch · 27/06/2017 10:49

There was a 'study' a while ago that found that breastfeeding mothers positioned themselves differently around the baby than none breastfeeding mothers and the natural position of the breastfeeding mother was safer than the natural position of the none breastfeeding mother BUT there weren't many mothers in the study and the none breastfeeding mothers position was not unsafe just not as safe.

I've always snuggled with my kids in a morning and in the case of the youngest, because I was single when I had her, she's co slept since she was about five months old, many people have had an opinion but in the end it was only mine that mattered Grin

Trust yourself, research where you feel you need to and ignore everything else, it's the only way to make it through with murdering someone Smile