To Be Hurt and Disgusted With My Family

[zukiecat]

Some of you on here may be aware of the back story and the issues I have had with my parents, if not, then in short, my mother is what you would call "toxic" and I have had years of therapy and counselling to come to terms with her treatment of me.

I have two DDs who are just my life, and we have always been vey close, they've helped me through many a difficult period.

However, DD2 has been struggling this past couple of months with panic attacks and anxiety, and two weeks ago she took an overdose, physically she's ok, the paramedics got to her fast, but mentally she's very fragile and we have a long way to go there, we're waiting for an appointment with a counsellor, she saw the emergency psychiatrist in hospital.

I'm doing all I can just to be there for her, she knows when she's ready she can talk to me about it all, the psych said not to push it.

I have very little contact with my family, and only really talk to them when it's unavoidable. Having said that, If my niece or nephew had done what DD has, then I'd be right on the phone offering whatever help or support I could.

Not one member of my family has contacted me, even just to ask how DD is, I get that it's hard to know what to say, but they haven't even sent a card, or asked me how she is.

Maybe IABU, but I can't help but feel hurt and angry that no-one has asked after her, but I'm confused too, I'm struggling to deal with it all and my head is reeling.

I have spoken to my mother and she said the world doesn't revolve round DD or me, I know it doesn't, and I never ask anyone for anything, but am I wrong in feeling hurt that they can't pick up a phone?

Your dm has reinforced what you already knew. . She isn't worth any more of your time or thought.
Put all your love and energy into your dc instead..
I have been nc with my dm about 15 years and honestly it was the best thing I did.

for you and you DD.

Your family don't deserve the head space you're giving them.

your DD

Thank you,

Think that is what I needed to hear, my mother always made me feel guilty and in the wrong for even so much as having my own opinion on anything,

I was tempted to write to them to say just how hurtful their behaviour is, but I think that wouldn't achieve anything, maybe one of those letters that you write, then just burn

Your mother said the world does not revolve around you or DD, because she believes it revolves around herself.

It doesn't.

In fact your world doesn't need to have your mother in it at all.

Now is a good time to cut contact and concentrate on your daughter

The fact that your Mother said the world doesn't revolve around you or your dd just reinforces how toxic she is. Personally I think you're opening yourself up to more hurt, anger and rejection by speaking to your toxic family members. I'm sure you already know this but even if you write to them, they won't change.

Definitely vent here/to your counsellor/on paper when you need to but you're right, best not to send it. It's a waste of emotion.

Concentrate on you and your dd. 💐💐💐

X post with Redsippycup ❤️

If they did get involved it would be worse trust me

Fuck em . I had a similar episode at your DD age so have hope and faith

OP, I echo the 'fuck em' sentiment above.

I think you and I have had some chats on MN before and you're lovely. You and your daughters obviously have a wonderful, precious relationship. That's what matters, not this dreadful 'family' of yours.

No real advice, but loads of luck and strength for you and your DDs.

It seems really unkind and thoughtless.

Put your strength and energy to your daughter who really needs you. Lower the expectations of your mother and extended family....

Keep strong and all the best...

You don't need your mother in your life. As you said yourself, she is toxic and always will be. Concentrate on your DD and the other lovely people in your life.

Don't give your mother another thought. Sadly, she is not worth it.

Don't write to them, you can't make them care. Crack on with focusing on your 2 DD.

Thankyou everyone

I really appreciate all the help and support I always get on here

You're all reinforcing what I know myself really, my family are what they are, and will never change

I have you wonderful people here, and a couple of very good friends, and you and them are who are going to get me through this, and help me stay strong for DD

for you and your daughter

I suspect your Mum's subtext was "the world doesn't revolve around your DD, it actually revolves around me so I will rubbish anything and anyone who takes the focus off me."

Your Mum adds nothing positive to your life, focus on your DD.

Yes, you're right, my mother does think the world revolves round her

It always has, and she hates if she is not the focus in anything

She did come to see DD in hospital the day she overdosed, but she just wanted to know all the details of what happened

There were even comments about the state of DDs hair,

As if that mattered! But she's nasty to the core

zukie that's awful.
write the letter, then burn it.
I think its time to go NC with your M.
for you and your precious DD

So sorry OP, it can be the hardest thing to accept, but as others have said cut her out of your life completely, as you are only ever going to be disappointed and upset by her uncaring attitude, your DD needs you, that's your priority now. Your "mum" clearly doesn't want to support either of you though this difficult time. My "mum" and I had a difficult relationship for years, up and down, she is without doubt the most selfish, self-centred person imaginable. I cut her out of my life years ago, I should have done it a lot sooner, but you live and learn. I hope DD is much better soon. Xx

I understand how much this must hurt but, honestly, your life is too important (and short) to spend any more of it bothering with people who do not have your best interests at heart.

What kind of grandparent doesn't give a damn about their grandchild when she is going through something like this? The answer - no-one who even deserves the title "grandparent".

I have a distinct feeling that you & your two lovely DDs will be so much better off once you are able to leave your M behind once and for all. She deserves no more - but the three of you deserve so much more.

What a bitch! That's a horrible thing to say at any time, but particularly given the circumstances when both you and DD would clearly value some support and love.

You know, sometimes you need to cut out the people who behave as if you're unimportant, and focus on the ones who really do care about you.

I learnt a while ago not to bang your head against a brick wall for too long.
I'm in my 50s an only child, my dad was dominant and my mum was passive aggressive with OCD.
I spent most of my life trying to get his approval, I always remember the time I bought a brand new car all he had to say was 'that's far too good for you!' This was just one of the many small jibes that sap the life out of you.
This lead me into a 21yr relationship with a woman who also ran me down, I got so low I wanted to take my life.
I got out, but with low self esteem and my next relationship was with a lady who had been in far worse abusive relationships than me. when we drunk which was most weekends she took it out on me in the bedroom.
I always tried to keep in contact with my M&D and when my mum died from cancer, my dad turned to me for support, we spent a few nights drinking and talking at the kitchen table and I thought wow the walls have come down and this is how father and son should be. It was short lived and a few weeks later he moved in the lady next door and the walls went up again. This time it was worse as my new step brother was the best thing since sliced bread, after that I learned my lesson and reduced contact, this year my dad died I didn't bother going to his funeral.
Guess what I'm trying to say is cut your losses and look after No1

They aren't your family. Cut them loose and focus on the people that show they care. If a friend had a DD in hospital most people would say try and say something like hope DD is getting better and also be worried about you having support- it is tricky finding the right line between nosy and distant but most would give it a go. For family not to do this at time shows they've either gone NC or maybe believe you to have done so already? And who knows what you DM is saying to them.
stay strong for your DDs

Thankyou everyone for the replies and the support

You're all absolutely spot on, I need to concentrate on helping DD get through this, and get her better

My own little family unit is all that matters, the old cow can do what she wants, as can the rest of them

DD1 has been brilliant, it's hard for her too, she left home just before Christmas into her own flat, but she calls and messages every day

Thankyou all so much

All good wishes for your DD's recovery, zukiecat.

Echoing what pp have said. Your mother and her games can only make a difficult situation worse. Cut your losses with your family and focus on your DDs and yourself.

Child of an alcoholic mother with a narcissistic/histrionic personality disorder here. 1 year 8 months 18 days NC, best thing I ever did.