WWYD: ExDP and mediation

[Queenofthestress]

Me and exDP split at the end of last month, due to drugs, alcohol and him being abusive when drunk, we have one DD together and I have a son from a previous relationship. The police advised no contact at all and social services told my HV no contact at all due to him having a previous record of violence with the police and his mum proving he has a lack of emotional control & anger issues due to his aspergers (diagnosed by camhs)

So exdp asked for mediation to sort out contact, my sister-in-law sorted it as she's going to be the third party supervisor, both of us were happy about that and he signed a written agreement proving it

Get an email from his solicitor today: he still wants mediation
How on earth can I explain all of the above without sounding like I'm being difficult??

Sorry, I am confused.

Both the police and social services have advised NO CONTACT AT ALL - do you mean with you? Because if they mean no contact at all with the children, and this is on record with the authorities (ie SS to HV, police records) then why on earth is any sort of supervised contact being set up? Especially with a family member who may be less able to maintain control/neutrality than eg a contact centre??

If the 'no contact' referred to the children then there should be no contact. You should be worrying more about the potential problem with you being seen to ignore that advice, than looking 'difficult' to his solicitor!

Your actual question is easy. Firstly, please get it out of your head that 'looking difficult' is a problem. It is not. The 'difficult' person is the violent, abusive, drug-taking drunk you are dealing with. His solicitor knows this too, by the way. You firmly refusing to be pushed around by a twat is not being 'difficult' - it is being a responsible adult. Sometimes, a responsible adult doesn't just roll over for fear of 'looking difficult'.

So the refusal. Easy:

Dear XX,

With regard to your client's request for mediation, I have been advised by multiple agencies including both police and social services that contact of any sort is not appropriate. I obviously intend to abide by their recommendations and as a result of that will not partake in mediation. These recommendations have been made due to your client's previous record of violent behaviour both with family members and the police. Please feel free to contact police and/or social services if you require any more information.

Yours,

Queen.

They've advised no contact between me and him, they're fine with supervised contact which I'm seriously not happy about but there's nothing I can do according to the solicitor since the court would just order that anyway

That is a perfect reply, exactly what I was looking to say I just didn't know how to say it, never done this before as DS's dad buggered off at 5 months preg and hasn't been seen since

Oh ok I totally see what you mean then!

Yes, send that. Maybe also contact HV/SS/police and ask for advice - ask whether they might send supporting documentation? HV might be good here - more directly invovled with you - would HV be happy to confirm that SS advised that there be no contact?

Good luck. You will hopefully find that without you to needle, he might lose interest in the kids too.

Maybe even say 'instructed by multiple agencies' rather than advised?

Hv would be beyond happy, she's always thought there was something fishy about him but since I didn't know anything about him doing drugs (all came out in the open the day I went to the police) she couldn't say anything, I'll give her a ring this afternoon once DS is in school and see if she can sort something