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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow exDP stay here...

41 replies

Divaroses26 · 26/06/2017 09:53

Basically DP & I have split after several years together, my choice although both of us had been unhappy for a while.

Now, he currently resides in london and I am approx 2.5hrs away from him with our Son, he wants to visit DS which of course I support but I don't want him to be staying at my house, whether it be in the day or overnight - I am only now managing to get myself back a little if that makes sense.

What's reasonable to accept? Should I be allowing him to stay here? Am I in the wrong?

Help!

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 26/06/2017 20:15

DivaRoses26 .. do not let this ExDP invade your happy home...

he needs to sort out his own arrangements ...

Stay STRONG x

MickeyRooney · 27/06/2017 00:07

He needs to learn to drive while he's at it.

Original poster

Divaroses26 · 27/06/2017 05:50

Thanks Muddling, obviously I want it to be as amicable as it can be for DS, who is 4.

It's also my birthday Thursday so think he's trying to wriggle in for that as he will know I wouldn't generally want to be alone for it. Sad I know. He's also insisting on giving me cards/gifts from his family members who now suddenly want to take an interest in us/me and have never before - odd.

I'm now torn between leaving him in on this occasion to play with DS and put him to bed etc and basically not. Perhaps I will on this occasion but make clear going forward it cannot continue. This is such a head fuck and in many ways would be far easier if he chose not to have any contact with DS, as sad as that is.

I take my hat off to all those parents in the world who have reached amicable terms for their children - you rock!

OP posts:

Flatt7 · 27/06/2017 06:03

Unless there is some kind of danger from him (from the post it doesn't sound like it), seems churlish to force him to fork out for a b&b if you can easily accommodate him. Why? Just to prove a point that you can? :(

StripeyDeckchair · 27/06/2017 06:14

Don't start something you aren't prepared to continue.
Don't let him in your home, if DS is 4 he could be expecting to spend every other weekend at your house for the next 12 years, expecting you to feed him, accommodate his needs & making you feel unwelcome in your home.

Chloe84 · 27/06/2017 06:25

Flatt7, I don't think OP is doing this because she can, but rather because her ex is guilt-tripping her into this, likes to have control over her, and is manipulating her because he knows she's vulnerable around her birthday.

Also, it's better to start as you mean to go on and nit have him in your home from the start, as Stripey says.

Nousernameforme · 27/06/2017 06:32

No don't let him. Just wrap ds up and provide a raincoat/wellys then leave them too it.
If you start how are you going to get it to stop? It's going to be much harder down the line to say actually I know you usually come here to see ds well now you can't, then it would be to never start it.

toastyarmadillo · 27/06/2017 06:35

Be very careful if you choose to allow such an arrangement.
When exdh and I split I was keen to make access as easy and amicable as possible so have so far allowed him to see the children at my home (he's never lived here btw) it caused major issues with my new partner who found the whole set up quite bizarre. I have been providing a venue for access as well as supplying meals etc for a few years. Recently it's become quite difficult, I can't go out if he's here, so I don't even get the time he's with the kids off duty so to speak. They still come and find me if they want something or get hurt. I wouldn't feel comfortable him being in my house without myself or my partner here as well. Last week for example he spoke two words to me and has been down right rude considering my generosity in allowing him this privilege.
I'm keen to stop him using my home now, but it's proving difficult because I have allowed it for a number of years.

Original poster

Divaroses26 · 27/06/2017 07:23

Fair point all. That's what concerns me, I'm 27 almost and of course I would love to meet someone else and where possible perhaps go on to have more children etc, I would hate for Any new prospective partner to be put off because of the set up ex and i have.

I think it'll help if he and DS go out somewhere today, I will get some time off as you say, which is she well overdue.

OP posts:

Original poster

Divaroses26 · 27/06/2017 07:28

Praying I find the courage to push DS out the door with his Dad when I know he's prob going to want to play Lego etc with his Daddy!

OP posts:

Chloe84 · 27/06/2017 07:32

Do it, OP! You'll be grateful in the long run

Whereismumhiding2 · 27/06/2017 08:18

OP is agree with others, say bye to DS at door when daddy arrives - for DS to go off out with him-
and stick to it- as otherwise, given how you describe XP, it could get messy and increasingly uncomfortable & intrusive with no end in sight.
I started off letting XH come into house, to put DC to bed etc.. but then he refused to leave, stretched whole thing out and started shouting at me, emptying my drawers to find out who I was seeing etc. The last incident police removed him.

2.5 hours isn't that far. My EH lives same travel time. He chose to move away, so fortnightly drives down collects DC then drives them back to his and repeats to drop them off on Sunday. 10 hour travelling for xH.

2.5 hours each way can be done there and back in a day if you start early enough. (It's only once a fortnight - I do more to visit my ill family member every week)

So if XP friends cant put him up on sofa, & if he can't afford B&B, then you & he could arrange that for now, he just does the one day out with DS,. And.. well..as for staying out all day, that is what NRP do on their weekends if they have no home to take DC to. Lots of places to go including library for quiet sitting moments inbetween playing. XP has the choice of moving to be nearer his DS, that's what I'd do if I were him.

If in time years down the line, he and you settle into a great respectful pattern, you might decide to let him in your house to chat or be shown a new toy on odd occasion but please don't be guilted into it now.

MickeyRooney · 27/06/2017 09:23

toasty made an excellent point.
if you leave the ex in, you'll get no free time to yourself.

can you get some support from family and friends to be able to say no to the ex?

He's really just suiting himself, isn't he?
he needs to sort himself out, get a driving licence and do what it takes to support his kids.
his access to the kids shouldn't be all on your time.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 27/06/2017 09:32

You need to change your mindset, it might take a while.

Your ds won't spend the day trudging round in the rain because you won't let his dad, your ds will spend the day trudging round in the rain if his father can't check the weather report and make plans accordingly.

Original poster

Divaroses26 · 27/06/2017 12:42

Thanks ladies, your words are pulling me through so much. He's just phoned asking if DS can meet him at train station so he can take him bowling. I have no issue taking him to meet his Dad there, DS will love it.

Im a front independent woman - even tho I feel like crumbling inside!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Divaroses26 · 27/06/2017 12:43

Strong**

OP posts:

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