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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give him a lift to work?

56 replies

Pombliboo123 · 26/06/2017 07:49

I agreed to give one of the apprentices at my work a lift to and from work for a few days as the person who usually gives him a lift couldn't manage.

Fine. Except now it's been every day for 6 weeks!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if IABU because it's only about 3 minutes out of my way so not a huge inconvience BUT he is a 17 year old boy, we don't have anything in common to speak about so either sit in silence or when we do speak he's actually just gets on my nerves because most teenagers do. Plus I work in HR so it seems a bit like crossing boundaries and finally the 25 minute drive to work and the 25 minute drive home is the ONLY TIME I GET TO BE ALONE. I can sing along to the radio (badly), speak to myself or just enjoy the peace.

It's two buses and a 20 minute walk to get to work from his house... am I being a selfish cowbag and should just give the poor lad a lift or not?

If not what the hell do I say to him to not sound like a selfish bitch?!

OP posts:

winobaglady · 26/06/2017 12:04

After all, what will he do when you are on annual leave?
Let him sort himself out!

bigbluebus · 26/06/2017 12:06

Are you sure that the previous person didn't just make up the 'can't do it for a few days' to get rid of him because they found it inconvenient too?

I have been that person who couldn't get to work without a massive PITA public transport journey and I was extremely grateful to the colleague who kindly gave me a lift until I was able to get a loan and buy a car (I had aready passed my test). I have also been the person who has given a lift to a new young recruit when they weren't old enough to drive. In both situations it was not ideal - I felt bad about the lift situation when I was on the receiving end just as much as I felt the inconvenience when I was giving a lift, but in both cases there was a planned end in sight (even if no specific deadline).

YOu are not obliged to give him a lift so you could just say "not after X date". Alternatively you could have a frank discussion about what he is doing to become independent in getting to work.

Is there a wheels to work scheme that he could qualify for which he could use to get a moped - quite a few of the youngsters around here use mopeds to get to work/college. They all have L plates on!

Sofabitch · 26/06/2017 12:07

YaBU

I think at 17 he probably just doesn't realise the cost.

I think car sharing is the way forward environmentally. Many companies encorage it. But you could ask him to contribute and meet you somewhere more convient.

But if you don't want to then you don't have to.

Original poster

Pombliboo123 · 26/06/2017 13:50

Thank you for all your replies everyone

The other person who gave him a lift said he initially couldn't manage because his car was full of stuff to take to the skip during house renovations but has since said he just doesn't want to anymore because "he (the apprentice) is a pain in the arse".

I did actually tell him after a couple of weeks that I was going to start going to the gym/swimming some days before work so wouldn't manage but he just text me every night asking if I was going to the gym in the morning and if not could he get a lift.

I feel too bad to ask him for money as he is on am apprentice wage and his girlfriend has just had a baby so he needs it more than I do but then he'd be more on the bus I guess...

I think I might just say I can do Monday and Friday but not the other days because I like my alone time and want to enjoy my car

To be fair to him the office used to be on a bus route and moved last year to the middle of nowhere... But that is why I learnt to drive sharpish because I just used to get the bus too!

He does actually always smell a bit musty and he is one of those sort of people who knows EVERYTHING and if you've been to Tenerife he's been to 11-erife (he once told me he came face to face with an escaped lion at a zoo.....)

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/06/2017 14:37

The other person who gave him a lift ... has since said he just doesn't want to anymore because "he (the apprentice) is a pain in the arse"

He's not wrong, is he? And I'm afraid the lad's badgering after you'd said the lifts would only be on "some days" would have ended it for me - I'm the first to help folk out where I can, but this sounds like downright laziness and entitlement

Personally I'd simply say you won't be available after (chosen date) and watch him move onto the next person. If he still keeps texting you for lifts, can't you block his number? After all he's someone at work, not a personal friend ...

Original poster

Pombliboo123 · 26/06/2017 15:07

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Exactly! I don't think I would mind so much if he was a work "friend" i.e somebody I have lunch with or a chat too at the kettle but if it wasn't for taking him to and from work we would never converse more than a polite hello in the corridor!!!

OP posts:

DPotter · 26/06/2017 15:17

If you're going to continue for a couple of days a week (and frankly I don't see why you should), and his 'conversation' is not to your taste, have the radio turned on the Radio 4 - its more difficult to talk over speech, than music. You never know you might bore him into taking the bus!
(Nb I am an avid Radio 4 listener and do not find it boring at all - there, well and truly outed myself and I don't care!)

troodiedoo · 26/06/2017 15:19

Is there someone else in the office near to him geographically and in age that would appreciate some petrol money? Then you could palm him off and feel good about it.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/06/2017 15:38

Completely agree with the suggestion that Puzzled made to say "X, I will not be able to give you lifts to and from work from Y date. You'll have to make your own arrangements after this date."

I guarantee that you'll see a notice posted on an internal noticeboard asking for lift-sharing once you do!

Sure there is no reason for him to continue his driving lessons if you're going to chauffeur him around now is there??? Stop the lifts and suggest he pick up his driving lessons again. Tell him it's a positive thing that employers like seeing (if that helps!)

Notknownatthisaddress · 26/06/2017 15:53

There's nothing wrong with giving people a helping hand sometimes, and I would, in an emergency. But continual lift giving is fucking irksome, even if they pay!

It's ok now and again, or for a designated spell - for example one woman at work broke her wrist and couldn't drive for 8 weeks- and me and another colleague took it in turns to pick her up and take her home. But it was temporary. She offered us a tenner a week too, but we said no as it was only 2-3 miles on our trip each day.

But constantly, every day, indefinitely, is a PITA, and is something I have had to tolerate in the past, and frankly, would not want to tolerate again.

It gets to the point where people become a bit entitled and take you for granted, and get very sniffy and arsey if you can't take them one day, because you are inconveniencing them!

I reckon the people saying 'why would you NOT want to help your fellow man? What's WRONG with people? Help your colleagues yada yada, are the ones who have these lifts and favours, and get sniffy if someone can't do it one day.

It's not easy OP, but you do need to tell him you can't do it any longer? Seriously, why should you?!

AngeloftheSouth84 · 26/06/2017 15:58

Plus I work in HR so it seems a bit like crossing boundaries
God forbid people in HR should mix with the people that do all the work

nina2b · 26/06/2017 16:00

Stop doing it. He is taking advantage.

Original poster

Pombliboo123 · 26/06/2017 16:05

@AngeloftheSouth84

It's more that in the event that I have to sit in a disciplinary with him or issue him with a warning for any reason or worse! would then be a bit awkward giving him lifts wouldn't it!

You have all given me the motivation I need to just tell him that I can manage the rest of this week but he will have to make other arrangements going forward

Hopefully it will prompt him to crack on with his driving lessons!!!

OP posts:

troodiedoo · 26/06/2017 16:55

Good luck let us know how he takes it!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 27/06/2017 08:18

Good stuff. Let us know how you get on.

HipsterHunter · 27/06/2017 08:24

Well done Op!

Pollydonia · 27/06/2017 08:29

Good decision op. At the end of the day he's not your responsibility.

Bluntness100 · 27/06/2017 08:35

I think this is the right approach, you don't need to give explanations, simply say listen you will be unable to give him a lift as your timings will be unknown so he should make other arrangements, I wouldn't do it from next week as you run the risk of him asking you why in the car and it being all awkward, so just text him tonight.

Notthemessiah · 27/06/2017 09:21

So it's not really about cost as I take it you haven't actually asked him to contribute? It's more that it's an inconvenience for you and it makes you feel a little awkward sitting in silence in the car with him.

No doubt all of the people here telling you not to take him any more are also the sort who regularly bemoan the fact that we live in such an uncaring society where no-one goes out of their way to help anyone else. As usual, people here talk the talk but always expect someone else to walk the walk.

This sounds like a young lad with a family who is obviously trying to do the right thing and work for a living, but on a no doubt derisory apprentice's pay and probably needs all the money he can get at the moment.

In the end it's your car and your decision but personally I'd feel rubbish about not helping him out simply because I couldn't sing in the car on the way to and from work.

Bluntness100 · 27/06/2017 09:30

She's helped him out for six weeks for goodness sake. At some point he has to act like an adult and take responsibility to get himself to and from work. She agreed to help out for a few days and now he's taking th piss. No one can say she hasn't went out of her way to help as it's now been six weeks.

If it was a one off lift, or helping him out now and again I'd agree with you, but six weeks, cmon, at some point it moves into taking advantage. He's not even offering to contribute as is normal in car shares.

NavyandWhite · 27/06/2017 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lalalalyra · 27/06/2017 09:36

If he's an apprentice and his girlfriend has just had a baby that explains the lack of driving lessons, he can't afford them.

It's also shit when workplaces move. That doesn't mean you have to give him a lift though.

Decide if you want to help him out and how often and just tell him that you can't give him a lift or you can do mondays/Wednesdays only abd then just stick to that.

Itmustbemyage · 27/06/2017 09:53

I would agree with PP's that at aged 17 with a young family he probably can't afford driving lessons or the eventual purchase of a car and insurance which at 17 / 18 is going to be costly. I would guess he is making excuses about the driving lessons because he is embarrassed to say he can't afford them or purchase a car in the future. If you work in HR you probably know exactly what he earns?
I'm not sure if you just don't want to give him a lift at all in which case you have to just say so or if you would be happier if he offered a contribution and wasn't late for pick ups in which case you need to tell him that. Tbh it sounds like typical 17 year old behaviour and he is being thoughtless rather than anything else.
I understand why it's annoying but like some pp's if I could help out a young person trying to do right by his family (huge responsibility at 17) I would want to help, if it wasn't really taking me out of my way, even if they weren't a "friend".

Crumbs1 · 27/06/2017 10:05

Personally I think you are being mean. It's not much out of your way, he's a young lad starting out, its environmentally better and builds good work organisation culture.
Just give him a lift and play music instead of talking.
Don't forget those we give a step up to will look more favourably on us when they have climbed above. The world needs kindness not mealy mouthed sulking.

nina2b · 27/06/2017 12:24

And sometimes - usually? - people just need a quiet, comfortable commute.
Tell him the free ride is over.

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