Who is unreasonable - me or DP?

[Winetime0909]

I'm sorry if this is long or rambly I am tired and stressed and to be honest pretty fed up.
Me and DP live together in a flat which is currently rather messy. We are both rather untidy people, and are also quite busy and we don't prioritise the cleaning and tidying (which we are working on!!). Today I was at work for 11 hours while DP was off. Just for context I work around 30-40 hours a week while partner works 16-24. He decided to smoke weed around 11am ish (this is a big problem which we are working on but is a major issue in our relationship to be honest) and ended up doing nothing all day. I didn't expect him to make the flat spotless but he said yesterday he would do dishes as we have literally ran out of plates and just do a little tidy up which obviously didn't get done. He was meant to also be at work tonight for a few hours but couldn't go as he apparently forgot about it before he got high and only remembered when I reminded him.
I couldn't find my purse when I was on my way to work this morning (100% aware this is my fault but I just needed him to check for me) and asked partner to check in the flat, a few specific places where I thought it might have been specified, he said he looked and it wasn't anywhere, cue me worrying all day, was going to cancel bank cards, driving test (need my provisional) and was having a bit of a stress!
I arrived home at 7.30 to find my purse literally right on the sofa where I had asked him to look, all the cupboards and fridge empty of any food I had bought for us and the place in even more of a state then when I left. I said that I couldn't deal with this and went to bed, he then messages me saying he doesn't know what he's done wrong and why am I being so angry?
I will also add that I am rather hormonal at the moment, my job is stressful and I am sleep deprived meaning I may be overreacting?
Partner is absolutely amazing in every other way and I really don't want to lose him. I just wish he would 1- accept help for his addiction 2- listen to me more and try to understand me as its pissing me off that he doesn't realise what is wrong. So AIBU or is he?

Yeah, he's an amazing loser. YABU for even giving him the time of day, much less living with him.

Ywbu to stay with this man and you would be beyond unreasonable to have kids with him. Love yourself some more and find a partner who isn't selfish to the core.

Your as bad as each other. Both need to grow up

And his good points are...?

Ah OP, going against the grain here as I am well aware that stoners can be great people too! But starting at 11am is really bad as he had work to go to & a shit tip flat to sort-failure on both points. You need to ask him to pencil in time asap when sober to talk & set some ground rules. If he can't compromise on this then it will just deteriorate further. As ways Id recommend counselling as people rarely see when they ABU

You both sound like nightmares. You work 30-40 hours a week which makes you so "busy" and "sleep deprived" you can't clean your own living space?

Don't get me started on him, he's an absolute waste of space.

He got stoned and forgot he had to work?

He lied to you about looking for your purse? You both live in a total shit hole where you actually run out of plates and doing the dishes is a discussion? . You have no food in?

I couldn't live like that. It's like some sort of druggie dosshouse.

Amazing in every other way. Hmm, he doesn't keep his promises, he doesn't work an equal amount, he doesn't think of your wellbeing (purse, food, dishes), he doesn't even think anything is wrong with any of that. Which ways of being amazing are left after you take out money, thoughtfulness and respect?

Also, you said He decided to smoke weed around 11am ish (this is a big problem which we are working on Recovery from addiction is not a we problem it is a me problem. You can't cure it. You can't control it. You didn't cause it.

Only he can work on his recovery. And clearly he isn't the slightest bit interested in recovering. You need to work on your own recovery from codependency (Google it).

Funny how every feckless twat "D"P on this site is amazing.

I know. And great father too. Apart from the ... fill in the horrendous blanks as needed.

OP, you are both living in some druggie dosshouse as a pp said. 30-40 hours a week work isn't that much. You should be able to keep your flat in some sort of shape working that much - even after an 11 hour day. Smoking dope at 11 am isn't normal. He isn't amazing (except in a negative sense). You need to start raising your standards both for yourself and the men you let in your life.

He sounds like a lazy feck and a pot head. Its just a personal thing for me but i couldnt be with a druggie,a pothead,a drunk or a gambler..seriously,,you could do better..

Thank you everyone, it was interesting to see this from a different perspective. We are both quite young which I think is obvious (20's) and I do have mental health problems which is a large factor to why I'm hopeless as cleaning and being organised and have let this go on so long even though I know that's not an excuse.
We had a very hard conversation last night where I broke down and said he had a month to change otherwise I will have to leave as its having such a negative impact on my life. I have offered to help him, I said he needs to speak to his family for support and I'm going to ring around some places after work to try and source some external support too.
Thank you everyone for being so kind I know we both sound like hopeless people, I am giving him a chance to change and if he doesn't it will prove to me that he will always put drugs first.

I'm going to ring around some places after work to try and source some external support too.

I hope you mean you're going to get support for yourself, because if the first step for him to make changes is that you put all the work in then it's not going to work.

I have offered to help him, I said he needs to speak to his family for support and I'm going to ring around some places after work to try and source some external support too.

Yes he really is amazing. Getting you to do everything.

You may have MH issues but you're holding down a full time job while he's smoking weed.

He won't change unless he wants to. If he isn't seeking help for himself (and getting another job would be a good start) you're on a hiding to nothing.

Ltb

Sweetheart, you might find that your mental health problems get easier to cope with and manage when you're not doing all the work for two.

I understand about loving someone who's not good in many ways. But be honestly honest with yourself - what are "all the other ways" that he's amazing? Because it's not at making you less stressed and being a full player in a partnership, appreciating what you do for him and the money you earn.

In your 20s you need to work full time - or make strenuous efforts towards it - unless you have a bloody good reason (ill health, independent fortune etc) because Future You will curse you when they're stuck with little cash and poor prospects and trapped by kids and responsibilities. Laziness is a trait that will only fuck you off more as you age, trust me.

There are lots of resources out there for people who want to stop drugs. Can he not use Google? Why would you need to phone around for him? Is it because he wouldn't?

Are you some kind of God who can see inside his mind? How could you possibly select the right help for him? Rather arrogant of you to think that your skills at making phone calls are so superior that he will take up whatever you deem right for him.

Why not phone round for mental health support for yourself?

Are you addicted to an addict?

He forgot to go to work because he's a lazy druggie. I mean, come on. It all sounds very depressing. Shit tip flat, stoned boyfriend. You can do better.

I couldn't say it better myself.