Forgiving my family about sexual abuse

[TheRavenIsHere]

Hi all, what I am attempting to say here I've never told before, apologies if it's not very intelligible it's more of a rant for my own benefit.

Between the ages of 11 and 13 I was regularly sexually abused by my grandfather. Of course when he was found out it was a big family drama/problem, except that I wasn't allowed to be part of the conversations, it wasn't allowed to be mentioned around me and nobody ever explained to me what had actually happened. I was home educated and hadn't the faintest idea what sex was.

Social services spoke to me one time with my mother present, I thought I would be in trouble if I told what really happened so I lied and told them that he'd just touched my boobs a few times and that was it, they apparently believed me, said I wasn't really at risk and that he could still see me! I'm fairly certain that my parents still choose to believe that that is all that ever happened.

At 16 my parents finally spoke to me, when I asked them why they had never explained what had happened to me my mother claimed she thought that was the best way as I was so innocent at the time and she wanted to keep it that way!

I've never had any kind of therapy apart from a pastor when I was 18 who I knew my parents had told him all about my grandfather yet he acted dumb and made me painfully tell him myself before informing me that 'don't you know self-harm is a sin?' and that I was having nightmares because I wasn't close enough to god.

My cousin was being abused also and she got the opposite to me of all the fuss and care and counselling the family could get for her. And when she got drunk or had sex (very religious christian family, sex before marriage seemingly being one of the worst sins possible) it was always poor X she can't help it, it's because of the abuse, whereas I dyed my hair green and took a liking to black and I was the bad child and there was worry about me getting into 'evil' things and I needed to be prayed for.

I'm actually very good friends with my mother but I can't help feeling sometimes that it's a bit fake and we're only friends because we both ignore my entire childhood

So sorry OP. Can't offer advice but bumping for you

I would never forgive this...... they enabled your abuse my lovely... whilst protecting your Grandfather and keeping the family reputation intact... it is disgusting... find comfort in your friends and people who genuinely care about you...

there are some wonderful support groups and therapists you can trust...

Please never feel you are alone or 'evil' for dying your hair green.... you know where the evil lay.... and it was/is not with you lovely...

sending hugs xx

Don't try to forgive them. Their treatment of you is totally unacceptable and imo they are still being abusive in telling you perfectly normal things are evil and in refusing to get you proper care.

Confront them. Write them a letter and spell out exactly what happened to you and that is was more than just boob touching, and tell them exactly what you've told us: how hurt you are by the double standards. You need to express yourself or the feelings will eat you up.

What's your relationship like with your cousin and her parents? Can you talk to them?

I had a very similar situation (no ss though) and as an adult am now NC with all of my family as they chose not to believe me, which still hurts.
Honestly I would recommend going NC, I couldn't deal with all the fakery! Please go and see your gp about counselling

I should say also I'm 21 now and moved out around a year ago, living alone is absolute bliss I tell you!!
I see a lot of my parents but we certainly don't talk about anything of a serious nature. I don't know if it would be worth bringing up ancient past, it won't necessarily help me and will upset everyone.

I think you should speak to your GP about being referred for counselling.

Are you sure you dont want to talk about this with your parents? If not in person why not right a letter as if youve never got a chance to release your anger i would be worried it would eventually resurface and explode.

For example its commong for women who suffered sexual abuse to get PND when they have their own children as its brings all those emotions to the surface.

OP, I'm so sorry.

Your family didn't protect you. If you feel you need to bring it up then do so, in a way that makes you feel safe. If they're upset, who cares? That's their own fault and I bet their upset would be absolutely completely insignificant compared to yours. In fact they probably wouldn't even be upset, they know what they did (not helping you) was wrong, they'd probably more be angry you dared to call them out on it.

I understand the "fakeness" and ignoring the elephant in the room. That must be difficult. If you're finding it hard to keep up pretences, have you considered going nc with them? Do you have anyone else to talk to? It may not help to talk to your parents about it especially if they will be in denial, but will it be worse than it festering in your own mind?

Seek counselling from professionals competent at discussing abuse situations.

I am sorry you were not protected as you should have been, and that you weren't supported effectively when the abuse became known.

Is your grandfather still alive?

@Catsize No he died two years ago. I didn't see him while he was dying and I didn't attend the funeral something that I've never regretted. Everyone else did though and made a big a fuss, another bone of contention for me. I never wished him dead but I do think that he should have died alone

You're 21, and this happened less than ten years ago -- it's not the distant past yet, but maybe you're able to think about it from a new perspective now, especially being independent.

I would highly recommend seeing a BACP or UKCP accredited psychotherapist with experience of working with survivors of sexual abuse. NAPAC also runs some support groups (expertly facilitated by a trained professional) that have been an enormous help to friends of mine -- also worth looking up to see if it would suit you, and lower cost.

I don't think I can offer any better advice that what has been give. but you refer to it as "the ancient past". It's actually not that long ago.

This will eat away at you if you don't confront the issues bothering you. I think you should get counselling and maybe get to the point where you could request that your mother attend with you at some point so you can air your issues and share your feelings of being hurt and let down.

Did your grandad get sent to prison?

It has happened to me personally. My mum and dad were separated. My dad didn't really know much of the situation but my mum did, swept most of it under the carpet. She was in my life until very recently when I had my own children and recognised her huge failures as not only my mother but a human.

I would move heaven and earth to ensure my daughter never ever suffers what I did, and I can say with every confidence that i would cause a disgustingly evil slow death to anyone who ever ever laid hands on her.

It's not ancient history if it's something you're still thinking about and something that's still affecting you.

Don't talk to them if you think it will be upsetting for you, but don't concern yourself with not upsetting them - they let their own child be abused, they do not have the right to live in peace.

Staying silent to try to avoid upsetting abusers is not the way to good mental health. Believe me, I've been there.

You poor thing. I don't feel like I want to wade in and suggest what you do because I don't know you and I don't know what your relationship is like with your family. All I can say is none of this is your fault and you are a beautiful human being

No he didn't go to prison, the family as a whole decided not to press charges and now that you've mentioned it I have absolutely no idea why they decided that! I think that will actually a good place to start a conversation, and I'm going to try and talk to my parents tomorrow.
Thank you @NotMyPenguin I've not heard of NAPAC before, I might give them a ring if I can get up the courage to do so!
MissionItsPossible Thank you that's very sweet of you, and you have an epic username!

I thought this was just going to be a rant from me but you've all given me very useful advice, thank you :) I've pretended it never happened for too long now

OP, you are surprising a lot. Take some time and get some proper therapy. You deserve happiness and to be helped to work through this horrific abuse you suffered.

Surpressing*

The way hey treated you and protected your grandfather was unforgivable. I'm sorry you went through that.

Theraven gosh wish I could say more but would be very outing for me.

You will get through this.

Get them out of your life and get to GP for conselling xx