Have I been unreasonable here? I'm quite embarrassed

[PayingMyWayYouSay]

I have sent my wedding invites out and a lot of them say, for example, "To Donna and family"

Is this really rude that I didn't name individuals? For example, her DD is only 8 so would naturally come under family, but how about her DP who I don't know etc? He's more than welcome to come, I just don't really know him.

Another reason for me not putting names of everyone is that I don't have everyone's address and know if I invite say, a big aunt, and include "and family" or other invitations within saying "Joseph and family" if they have a family of their own, they will get this etc.

For example, with my great aunts invite, I sent my cousins invite and put 'and family'. But DCousin'a children have their own families and she wondered if they were invited too? They are of course.

I've been really shit at this, haven't I?

Have I caused offence?

sparkling I thought it was OTT but we booked our wedding venue during unmet holidays next year and auntie and cousins had been told the date but booked their holiday over it and had to pay £200 to move it (felt awful but who books a July 18 holiday in May 17?!) so felt it prudent!

*summer

Good to know it's sorted OP, weddings are a minefield!

If you said family and my mum was staying with me at the time, I'd bring her too. If you don't mind that then don't worry.

Not rude at all but your numbers may rocket....

I think it's confusing. If you invite Aunty x and family, does that include her children, or their 'plus ones' as well? We were invited to a wedding ( dh's cousin), and it was written to his mum and him 'and partner'. Tbh I found it rude as we had been married for a decade and together longer. I felt the cousin could have made the effort to find out my name if they actually wanted us there. We also had to get in touch to find out if we could take dD as she was still bf.

To me if it said to my name and family that would be the family that lives in my house, ie husband and children. So you've got it spot on, we've got invites like this before and Xmas cards etc

I think this works in certain cultures where there isn't a formal sit-down meal (so specific numbers aren't needed) and the couple genuinely don't mind who comes - the wedding is a big party, not something formal, and it's ok for people to wander in and out. "Elders" would absolutely assume it's ok to bring their adult children/grandchildren and any other family who might be visiting - and in this setting it actually is ok.

Are you from such a culture, OP?

Hi Curly

I'm not sure you mean by 'culture' but the type of wedding I'm having is in a nice pub with a dance floor, bar and buffet to pick at included.

Exact numbers aren't really an issue as it isn't a sit down, no.

Although there are seats available of course at tables within the pub

Again a cultural thing, as username suggests, in my fam, all wedding invites are addressed "One name and family" BUT we expect around 300-500 (srsly) so....

I would understand me, DH and DC

Paying - so, my father and his family are Indian and what I described above would be totally normal. There are other cultures which also recognise this as totally normal. My mum and dad had 1000 people at their wedding...!

When I got married (to a white-British man) I had to negotiate the culture clash. Absolutely no "and family" on invitations as it would have meant loads of people turning up - not their fault, it would have been what was expected, so I had to be super clear and name specific people on invitations. If my grandma, for example, gets an "and family" invitation she will ask my dad, my aunty, myself and my husband (plus two kids), and my brother and cousins (all over 18) if we want to come. Any overseas visitors who happened to be around would tag along too.

Our family does sit down wedding meals so would not put and family on. If you had to guess for that sort of event and family probably means the live in partner or spouse and their children of whatever age rather than cousins and step siblings who do not live at home and grannies.

Our family would have called the family we had contact info for and gotten the other addresses i.e. called an Auntie to get her kid's addresses.

If that weren't possible we would have sent separate invites to the address we had:

Bob and Nancy Smith
Their address

Joe and Mary Smith and family
c/o Bob Smith
Bob's address

John and Pat Ford
c/o Bob Smith
Bob's address

Personally I love the fact that you're having a less 'formal' do at a good pub, OP. If I had my time again I'd do the same, and in the scenario you've described it's entirely reasonable that you're not so concerned about exact numbers and seating plans etc. It sounds fabulous and much less stressful. Have a lovely day.

Oh begosh! You will have hordes of people coming is the main problem... I would write to each and clarify x

OP your wedding sounds so much less hassle than so many on mumsnet! Everybody in the family invited, and nobody feels excluded. Well done you👏👏👏

Thank you for all these lovely replies. I did have a fear people may turn their noses at my less than formal do but I understand that's just me being ridiculous

Thank you, means a lot

I don't see the problem with this at all. There is no reason to believe that this will result in hoardes of people turning up. Most people would be able to work out that it included the people who lived in their house. There might be an odd exception but for an informal buffet, it doesn't matter that much. It sounds lovely OP, I much prefer informal weddings.

You will be bombarded with queries.Think you should have made an effort to find out who exactly exists in a "family" and their names. Sounds like you are having a free for all by sending out informal invitations. As it's your wedding the most important day of your life relationship-wise there should have been a bit more formality applied. You won't have caused offence but you certainly have lessened the importance of the occasion by not bothering.

As it's your wedding the most important day of your life relationship-wise there should have been a bit more formality applied.
There's no need for "should" if knowing exact numbers isn't that important. Informal weddings are lovely. Important does not always require formality.