tired of being expected to cope

[justtiredofcoping]

I am a single mum to 2 fab kids. Ex left 4 yrs ago, shacked up with his utopian bird, had another kid, forgot his kids, they got treated like crap, he walked out of new relationship 3-4 times and finally left 15 months ago.

One of his reasons for leaving me, was OW needed him more than I did - I would cope on my own. I am a very practical, head down, work it out and get on with it person, but partof that came from me thinking my wingman was there.

His leaving OW, has transformed his relationship with his DCs - for the better. It is 1000% better than before - they see him every week, rather than every 4-6 weeks etc etc. Really really happy for them all.

However, this week life has gone a bit tits up for me - been v ill, as in hospital treatment ill, am trying to hold down two jobs to pay the bills because you claim poverty, when we all know you give her three times for one child than I get for two - because she thinks I earn enough, and then the electrics blow in the house, secondary to a leaking pipe which we did not realise was the cause until Tuesday when the gallons of water under the floorboards started to appear ( talking a mini swimming pool under the floorboards !) got dehumifiers on the house half the electrics back on, ruined flooring, sofa, etc etc.

So I phone EX and say can you pick DCS up from school ( I know he is off for the week) so I can stay in for the loss adjustor, electrician, plumber who all want to talk and decide.

Answer: Er not sure, Why? OW needs some time off from joint DC and you will cope - you always have a back up plan. ( Fourth time in 4 yrs - I have asked a favour !)

I am tired of coping, I am tired of running my self ragged whilst some lazy person refuses to organise her life and he runs round because she threatens to not let him see his DC. ( something I will never do)

AIBU to just want someone to do something nice for me for once and realise that maybe I am stretched to breaking point and whilst I will of course find a solution, for just once someone offering without me having to ask/beg would be nice.

I think I have forgotten what it is like to be looked after and I am seriously tired of being the coper.

No advice, but I hear ya x

Go through cms to get your right share £ for your 2 kids. Don't have back up plans that he knows of. Make him take some responsibility. Stop being a martyr (meant in a kind way, as in they are his kids too)

YANBU, tell him you are at the end of the tether and no back up plan. Why can't he have all 3 kids at the same time?

I think you are being unreasonable yes, why are you asking him? He has shown himself unreliable, and untrustworthy. Sounds silly to expect him to help you out, and why would you want to accept his help anyway?

He is the back up plan, surely.
I agree with, 'oh great, how lovely for the kids to spend some time with their wee sibling'.
Don't compare her situation with yours. They may be something you don't know, but either way, it won't make you feel better. Just make sure your kids are receiving the correct maintenance.

I think you're being unrealistic to expect a twat to stop being a twat overnight.

I also think that if you've always been a coper that's how you are perceived and it's unrealistic to expect people ( anyone) to see you differently when you have built up a picture of yourself as someone who copes.

It's how the world works. We portray X to the world. The world sees X. The world doesn't see the scared child inside of us unless we allow the world to see it.

def sees you as a 'gets things done' type and seems to be taking the piss as a result.he's still an idiot whichever way you look at it and with the best will in the world this show of seeing the dc -that's big of him - probably won't last as ow seems to like playing the i'm so helpless card and yanking his strings.
you will probably be a single parent in every sense in the long term and that won't be a bad thing as he has form for being unreliable, but you must get cm assessed properly and he needs to learn to keep it in his trousers, stop fathering kids then running away.

He sounds horrible and the onus is on him completely, she may be lazy and useless but at the the end of the day, she is nothing to do with you, he is. for you. As horrible as this sounds people are (in general) too wrapped up in their own lives and problems and sometimes it does take someone to ask or beg for help to receive it. I feel sorry for you and your situation and wish I could help you. On the plus side you have two fab kids and they are fab because of their parents (but I suspect mostly because of you)

Been there. Single mum, working FT in a demanding job, no close family by, and yes, I was always seen as the 'strong' one who coped amazingly well and therefore never needed help. It wasn't just my ex, it was everyone, my family from afar, my colleagues, boss, friends... I was even a shoulder to cry on to one friend and one colleague who were 'depressed' because their life (happily married, working PT or not at all, family helping about) was so stressful.

This was years ago and when I mention it to same friends/family/colleagues, I always get the same response: 'but I never realised you needed help, you always looked so in control, I always wondered how you did it. If I'd known you were struggling at time, I would have helped, you should have asked me'.

Your ex sounds like a loser anyway (as was mine), but isn't there anyone else you could rely on in difficult times? Even with your ex, maybe you should be more direct with your expectations, rather putting it to him, although personally, he sounds unreliable so I would avoid asking him anything. Hope your health improves soon.

I really feel for you that sounds like a really shitty situation. In the early days after my ex left and I had something like this happen I use to look around and think "but who will do this? who will help me?" and then I realised it was down to me. Not to say I didn't have the support of friends but shit like you've just described? Nope, just me. The last time I asked my ex for help was when he just returned our daughter from a very rare contact session. A fox had dug up the corpse of my (previously our) beloved cat from the hole I had dug because it wasn't deep enough. I had had to scoop the remains of my pet into plastic bags and re-bury. I asked him if he would dig a deeper hole to stop it happening again and prevent DD potentially witnessing this horror. The cunt refused. I vowed there and then I would never ask him for another thing. Rely on yourself and you'll never be disappointed (I say this with a handhold and a hug too).