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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a little bit cheeky?

22 replies

ChocDee · 22/06/2017 00:57

DH asked me to pose this question on here as women are well known for being utterly brilliant and all that jazz.

My MIL lives in a home for the elderly for the past couple of years. She is incredibly happy there and she has got a new lease of life and she is now swanning around with a really lovely bunch of friends.

Initially her insurance paid all the bills but now they are doing the classic refusal to pay so she is having to fund it herself. It is in no way cheap as it has shed loads of chandeliers and stuff.

Aaaanyway! When she first moved there she was in a bad place both health wise and mentally and we live very far away ( initially we lived overseas). So we made the decision to Employ a really lovely woman to come in three times a week to do light cleaning and errands. She was absolutely brilliant at keeping us informed and to keep an eye on the staff to ensure that they were doing everything right by MIL

As MIL became better and blossomed in confidence there was some friction as she felt that she did not need the extra help and she was too busy having a lovely time with all her friends. There was also some trust issues.
So we cut her hours down as MIL really wasn't happy with it. We felt bad as we know she was relying on the money but told her to clock all the hours she did as and when and we would pay her.
Well she continuously clocks more than her contracted hours which has made DH and his mother raise their eyebrows a few times but have let it go.

Last week DH went up for a visit. He took the 'helper' out for dinner to have a proper chat about his mother and show his sincere appreciation for what she does for both us and his mother.
Our long winded question is this: was she cheeky then to clock the time spent at dinner that we paid for and expect to be paid?

OP posts:
Hisnamesblaine · 22/06/2017 01:01

Cheeky bint

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 22/06/2017 01:01

Nope.

Was a work related meeting.

GreenTulips · 22/06/2017 01:02

Technically it was a work meeting - time she could be earning addition money elsewhere

nancy75 · 22/06/2017 01:02

Short answer, yes I think that's cheeky!
What sort of a place is your mil in, you wouldn't usually be hiring extra staff yourself if she is in a care home? Is it more like warden assisted?

peaceout · 22/06/2017 01:05

hmm, I can sort of see her point but she ought to have clarified that she'd charge for her time before accepting the invitation

the fact that she did it on the sly would make me wonder what other rackets she was running

loaferloveforyou · 22/06/2017 01:05

Technically it's a work related meeting. If my employer expected me to go to a meeting outside of work hours I'd want paying. Especially as cleaners get paid by the hour so she could have been earning money elsewhere. Although, I don't know if I would be brass necked enough to charge for it!

If it's not working, can't you find someone else?

avamiah · 22/06/2017 01:06

This reminds me of a similar situation that unfortunately happened to myself many years ago.

DonaldTrumpsTrump · 22/06/2017 01:07

I echo what others have said in that it is a work meeting therefore she's 'in work' and cannot spend the time elsewhere earning. However I would be querying why she is clocking more hours than she's doing (if I understood that bit correctly) rather than her expectation to be paid fairly for a work meeting.

avamiah · 22/06/2017 01:10

Pay her and then in my opinion you should give her notice.
Where did you find her ?
What are her terms of Contract ?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 22/06/2017 01:16

Absolutely she should charge. Do you think she should be considering a meal with your DH as a date or a part of her social schedule????

Not cheeky AT ALL as far as I can see.

If you're not happy for any reason, give her notice, but I absolutely do not think she was BU to charge for giving up her time to discuss your relative. I'm sure she'd have attended whatever venue you suggested - your home, a pub, a restaurant. But she shouldn't pay and it's def work-time for her.

Or do you imagine she spends her down time discussing other people's parents with them?

user1477249785 · 22/06/2017 01:19

Of course she should charge! Do you really think her idea of fun is dinner discussing your MIL?

ChocDee · 22/06/2017 01:22

Thank you all for your replies - much appreciated! I am sort of on the fence with it.

Yes, it was a work related dinner. But! He took her out for dinner to talk about his mother and to soothe the waters a little bit. As I said she is a lovely woman and genuinely seems to care for MIL and we wanted to show her our appreciation as things have become a bit strained between MIL and her. MIL wants her to be an employee whilst the helper wants to be more of a nurturer / friend and that has frustrated MIL since she has got plenty of friends and she felt quite strongly that her privacy was being invaded and that she was meddling.
That is how she has clocked the extra hours by going that extra not asked for mile to be helpful. Which on paper is really lovely and for us is a wonderful things (as an extra eye on the ground and it had definitely alleviated some of DH's guilt for living so far away). But it has made MIL very anxious and fretful at times and she has been much happier now that the official hours have been cut.

Anyway, of course we will pay her. In the same way we gave her a good Christmas bonus and we always give her a gift when we see her. The dinner itself took a while since she is a talker and DH and I have always made an effort to treat her like a valued friend as well as employee.

I think that 'caring' for MIL may be her only job.

Once again thank you. I know she is a luxury at the moment with MIL doing so well but we do not want to loose her in case things gets bumpy with MIL in the future.

OP posts:
ChocDee · 22/06/2017 01:24

Duly noted! Thank you for all your input! Really helpful. I will let DH know!

OP posts:
Colacolaaddict · 22/06/2017 01:27

I think you should have expected to pay her.

You can't buy someone diner in lieu of paying them. You pay her by the hour, in cash not foodstuffs of your choice - you have to pay for her time. Buying her dinner on top is optional.

My granny had a paid companion to come and help her with the shopping. If they stopped for coffee, Granny paid for the coffee and her time.

Colacolaaddict · 22/06/2017 01:28

Crossposted!

avamiah · 22/06/2017 01:28

To be honest I need more information.
Was the dinner pre arranged ?
Was it when she was off duty ?
How long did the dinner last ?
Why dinner and not a coffee?

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/06/2017 02:04

Pay her for the dinner then end her contract.

MIL doesnt need or want her input so why are you not listening to her? Its not your place to decide what MIL should have while she has her faculties and if you keep insisting on this woman being involved in MIL's life against MIL's wishes, it will damage your relationship with her.

Stop assuming that you know best.

MickeyRooney · 22/06/2017 02:04

Well it was work hours for her....
I probably wouldn't do that if it was me, but she does have the right to.

Chloe84 · 22/06/2017 02:05

It sounds like this woman is checking in on MIL more often to up the hours she is paid for. She is taking advantage of your DH's guilt. She is also blurring the lines between being an employee and friend by seeing herself as a friend rather than employee.

I would give her notice and just hire a cleaner for MIL to come in once a week (or however often MIL he would like).

In short, I wouldn't be happy keeping this woman on at all, especially if she makes MIL anxious, fretful, invaded and meddled with.

ChocDee · 22/06/2017 02:15

DH has just read the thread - his verdict? There is some very good info on here!
So thank you all very much. You have all touched on points that we have discussed in the past.

I am in the rather manby pamby position of agreeing in part with most of you.

It would be lovely to have a chrystal ball and see into the future. We are just nervous of the future as MIL is getting older and her needs will change. Her memory is deteriorating and it is really lovely to have someone who is able and willing to keep an eye on things.
MIL is a lot happier now that the official hours have been reduced so we will stick with it for now.

Thank you all once again.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/06/2017 02:32

You need to make it clear that her job is as a cleaner and to raise any concerns she has with you and not take it upon herself to get involved in MILs life.

Also, have you helped MIL check her belongings recently? Her bank balance? Her feelings of being invaded and meddled with may well have more basis in fact than you realise........

SenecaFalls · 22/06/2017 02:34

OP, it's very important that your MIL has someone whom she likes and trusts. I know this from experience with my own mother. Carers need to be sensitive to and honor the boundaries the elderly client is most comfortable with. That may need some attention in your MIL's situation.

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