In asking when you new when to let go

[MamaHanji]

Posting here for traffic,

When in a relationship did you think 'enough is enough. Let's call it a day and separate.'

We have two young children 3 and 6 months. It's not that I don't love him. It's that I'm starting to feel it isn't fair on the 3 year old that she is around the arguing. And that I'm sick of the same things every day. It's like we speak a different language.

I cant imagine my life without him. But at the same time, if it's best for my children, i know I could do it.

I'm starting to realise that I can't just keep brushing over these argument. Every time it's bringing me closer to not caring anymore. I love him. But I don't have the energy to keep up this stupid battle of pride and miscommunication.

When we argued before, I used to feel so much emotion. And now it's just resignation of it being the same shit, the same comments, the same things over and over again. I just feel flat now.

I guess I just want to know from people that have made that decision, when did you know? How long had you been together and how old were your kids. Just someone please tell me what to do.

Sorry it's not really an aibu.

Oh god. *knew

Well nobody can tell you what to do - that can only be your decision. You sound pretty unhappy. I think it might be best to ask MNHQ to move this thread to 'Relationships' where you might get more/better advice. Good luck.

I've just reposted over there. I'll get this one deleted! Thanks

I feel you, op.

In a similar position myself at the moment. He's just Started sorting out his behaviour a bit (our arguing is almost solely to do with him taking the piss rather than general difference of opinion on things) but in some ways I feel like too much has happened, I look back at every single time he's taken me for granted or acted like an idiot and feel like the damage is almost irreparable now. I have lost respect for him for showing me so little respect to me on so many occasions. He's trying to change but I feel like it's too little too late. Something has left and I'm not sure I can get it back. He's trying to sort himself out so I feel I should give him (yet another) chance but keep having lots of conflicting thoughts.

I feel very confused now about what I want and the right thing to do is.

Greenred

That sounds shit.

He isn't disrespectful to me except in an argument (and then we are rude to each other)

He feels resentful of the fact that he gets home from work and there are things that need doing. Be it dinner cooking or toddler or baby feeding or bathing or both, washing needs doing, toddler put to bed 16 times and baby who is a difficult sleeper needs to go to bed too.

Tonight he accused me of doing nothing all day and just sitting on my ass all day. Bearing in mind I have a 3 year old who wakes up most nights and I put her back to bed, and co-sleep with a 6 month old who still breastfeeds 4 times a night, so I haven't slept more than 2 hours dozing in nearly 7 months. both children go through roughly 2-3 changes of clothes a day, not to mention muslins and bibs. I have 2 loads of washing to do most days 3 year old is going through a growth spurt and eats about 70 billions times a day. I breastfeed a wheat and egg intolerant baby so my diet is massively restricted and she is weaning as we speak which requires undivided attention and then a lot of clean up. Not to mention we need to go out every day or we get stir crazy and toddler starts acting up due to too much energy. I usually have a doctors appointment every week as baby can be quite sickly and I have a few health problems. I don't drive I walk everywhere which takes longer.

On the weekend, I ask him to take the baby as soon as she's awake and fed at around 6/7 so I can have some sleep. He usually brings her in after half an hour because 'he can't cope'. Don't get me wrong, I adore my baby, she is such a beautiful girl, but she is very demanding and is honestly the fussiest, most particular baby I have ever known. I spend the majority of my day calming her down and settling her or wiping the poo monster/toddlers bum and making food. He thinks that because she feeds so often, I just sit around and stare at my phone or the telly. He doesn't realise that I am entertaining a toddler, answering a bajillion questions, sorting out the household bills and where the fuck the money is going to come from to pay for everything, sorting out the never ending shopping list, all the babies specialist appointments, Sometimes having to unlatch baby to do something with toddler then calm screaming baby and feed again.

He wants to come home and be able to sit down and vape and play games on his phone. And he can do that. Just not here. He can be single and a weekend dad if he wants to not have responsibilities and things it's unreasonable of me to expect and ask him to do things with the children/house.

He thinks I'm unreasonable because I do nothing all day and just sit around eating shit and watching telly so I should have everything done in the day. He has no fucking clue. Even when I'm on the phone to him because the baby hasn't stopped crying for 3 hours and the toddler is being a demon. I still just sit around and do nothing...

Christ that was long.

I know what you mean. It's like the damage has been done and i can't go back to not feeling resentful and like he has a clue what's going on.

this is the hardest bit. It's the infant zone. It won't last forever. If there is love there, build on it and work things out. Get a rota for chores, get a cleaner, get some counselling. Don't give up too easily.

Ps have you taken the baby to a trusted chiropractor? It might help. One of mine was fussy as they come and over night it changed after I took her to one.

Thanks for the comments guys. I think we need to make some serious changes about the house as it's our one problem. We definitely need to have time just for us again. I definitely see a light at the end of the tunnel which makes us both want to try more as it doesn't feel like we will be stuck like this forever.

What about counselling? A bit like where there's a referee to your discussion arguments?

He had refused counselling previously and wouldn't. He had a very difficult childhood and is completely shut off from that avenue. We have bought 2 books on communication and are going to try and work through our language barrier.