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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit pissed off with DH and side with DSD??

24 replies

K1092902 · 21/06/2017 18:52

I live with my DH, DSD2 and DD. DSD1 is 26 and I honestly don't have much of a relationship with her but we get on. She is from a relationship before DSD2 so is DSD2s half sister and again they don't have much of a relationship so we very rarely see her

Anyway DH got a phone call from DSD1s mum a couple of months ago. She hasn't worked for a number of years due to anxiety and depression. She also has serious issues with money- pay day loans and credit cards and has also stolen money of her DM before but it is worth mentioning that DM wasn't feeding her and she was using it to pay for food and so she could attend her psychiatry appointments- at this stage her sickness benefit had stopped and she was too ill to work despite the job centre believing otherwise

Anyway her mum contacted DH a few months ago and asked if she could come to stay. She didn't want to at first and stayed with grandparents, but has been staying with us this week.

DP went in her bag the other day and found a letter over a payday loan. He paid it off despite her insisting she didn't want him to but he did it anyway and then 10 minutes later threw it in her face that she was ungrateful "and only seems to ask for money". The next day it was a credit card bill which DH asked me to borrow the money for (didn't tell me what it was for however as DSD didn't want him to pay it so he could throw it in her face and I would of sided with her and told her to pay it out her own money) and he did the same.

He has just done it again over £10. DSD asked this morning if she could possibly borrow £10 so she could go and visit a friend in her hometown today. DH comes storming in after work looking for something that DSD uses and has said to her "I've lent you £10 of my own money today after bailing you out twice (at the cost of about £500) you could at least show some gratitude". DSD was more than willing to help him find what it was he was looking for but told him to speak to her with some more respect or she wouldn't.

He also have some serious privacy issues- he is paying for DSDs car at the moment and think he has the right to look through it without asking her. She also had some post sent her this morning which he opened while I was at work and she was still in bed probably.

AIBU to side with DSD?? I don't think it is fair to offer to do something for someone and hold it against them and regardless of the financial contribution shouldn't her privacy as an adult be respected?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/06/2017 19:02

God, he sounds really horrible. And what's more, it sounds as though he doesn't like her and I think she'll pick up on that.

Angelicinnocent · 21/06/2017 19:13

He's being a complete arse and you should definitely give his head a wobble for him.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/06/2017 19:18

He's being a dick. I'd side with his daughter too.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 21/06/2017 19:21

He sounds awful. Is he like this with you too? Seems very controlling.

I would be siding with DSD too

BloodWorries · 21/06/2017 19:26

Agree with you and PP. He's totally in the wrong.

JigsawBat · 21/06/2017 19:29

He sounds absolutely terrible. Abusive.

I'd say get rid, and encourage his daughters to do the same.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 21/06/2017 19:29

He's being a total dick. Anxiety & depression don't come from nowhere. If he's being like this now, what was he like when she was little?

Loopytiles · 21/06/2017 19:33

Poor DSD1.

What has your H's relationship been like with her until now? The impression I'm getting is that he wasn't a good father to her and should be seeking to support her now.

SheSaidHeSaid · 21/06/2017 19:39

He sounds like a controlling bully who enjoys having something over another person.

Pretty worrying behaviour.

importanceofhappiness · 21/06/2017 19:46

He shouldn't be going through her bag or her car or any of her things. She's an adult! He definitely shouldn't be paying for things she didn't want him to pay for and then accusing her of not being grateful.

He is being very controlling.

DoJo · 21/06/2017 19:59

He sounds really mean - I've read a lot of tales of parents who seek out opportnities to make their children beholden to them on here, and it sounds like this is the start of such a situation. Why does he want her to be 'grateful' rather than enjoying a relationship where they operate more as equals?

harderandharder2breathe · 21/06/2017 20:08

He sounds like a complete dick

If he doesn't want to help her, he should just not help her. Not insist on "helping" then guilt trip her over it. No wonder she doesn't want his help!

I've borrowed money off my mum over the years and she's never once used it against me like that.

ohfourfoxache · 21/06/2017 20:12

He sounds like a genuinely nasty sod

speedywell · 21/06/2017 20:27

Oh poor girl :(

I've had this from family and it is just awful. Bad enough if you are healthy but when unwell? Terrible.

Do you think he ahs been like this before? Between her mothers behaviour and his, it isn't a huge suprise that she is so unnwell :(

ijustwannadance · 21/06/2017 20:37

He has no fucking right at all to go through her things and open her mail.

He will not help her recovery at all.

Original poster

K1092902 · 21/06/2017 20:49

This is the crazy thing.

We rarely argue about money apart from the odd niggle if I've brought too much for the children at Xmas etc. Nothing major. No privacy concerns either

Which is why I'm very at his behaviour

OP posts:

Nelly5678 · 21/06/2017 20:58

He offered. She said no. He did it anyway. He has no right to then throw that at her. Also the post is hers and he has no right to that and the car I can understand why he'd ask but the car belongs to her not him so that's a tricky one

caffeinestream · 21/06/2017 21:08

Jesus, he sounds awful. Controlling and he clearly has no respect for her privacy. She's an adult, ffs.

I find it hard to believe he's never shown these traits before, though.

JamieXeed74 · 21/06/2017 21:15

Yip he is being awful. I do see where he is coming from but having been in a similar situation and despite the obvious contradiction its making things worse for your DSD. I can't really find the rights words to explain it but your DSD knows that if the debt is paid off by someone else she will borrow again and feel even worse as a result. The only way out of this is for her to deal with it. Your DH is making it worse.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/06/2017 21:22

Had he relationship with her growing up? Does he know her very well? Is he panicking about her debts and then resenting her. Nothing he is doing will help. He will only make it worse but it sounds like he has no clarity about the situation. Opening her post is crazy stuff.
But it sounds to me like the crazy stuff people do if they are living with an addict..sort of codependency.

Northernparent68 · 21/06/2017 22:22

Is what he has done so terrible, presumably he opens his daughter's post as she can't manage her own money.

The op,'s daughter can't have it both ways, she can't not work because of mh issues and then complain when she is treated like some one who can't manage her own life

Fairylea · 21/06/2017 22:27

It sounds like he hasn't realised she's grown up.

Madbum · 21/06/2017 22:35

It's like he's setting her up so he can bully her it's fucking nasty behaviour. It would change my view of him completely and I'd be questioning whether I could stay with someone who can be so abusive to their own daughter.

timeisnotaline · 21/06/2017 22:46

What everyone has said! Thank goodness you have noticed and you need to call him out. Also I would easily forgive stealing money for food- the poor girl (adult, whatever) seems to have two rubbish parents.

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