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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be proud of my marriage

54 replies

sheIliecat · 20/06/2017 21:04

This is embarrassing.

For ages I felt like the only good thing I had to be proud of was marrying a 'good catch.'

How stupid was I

I know I was unreasonable. But was I alone?

OP posts:
Original poster
sheIliecat · 20/06/2017 22:05

Thank you, I feel so embarrassed. As I was just desperate for anything to make me feel good.

OP posts:
speedywell · 20/06/2017 22:08

Don't be so hard on yourself Shelliecat.

We all make mistakes, particularly if we are young and vulnerable. Sometimes we weren't in a position to know or choose any better at the time. That can be tough to recognise and look back on, but the good news is that there is hope for the future still.

Don't let a shame sprial take you down. Focus on the good parts of your life and/ or of how you might like your life to be. You deserve a good life with kind people.

Lots of people here can empathise and will support you Flowers

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 20/06/2017 22:12

Shellie - you're not a twat. You were a very young naive girl who'd been brought up with a screwed-up set of values (you mention your parents kept you "very young" - what was their relationship with each other and with you like, I wonder?) And your husband is an abusive bastard.

I hope that this is maybe the first step on the way to getting rid of him. I second what other posters have said - you deserve a decent, nice life surrounded by people who care about you and are kind to you.

Atenco · 20/06/2017 22:14

Gosh, you are hard on yourself. Weren't we all smug little madams when we were young and thought we knew it all?

I've had quite a good life but I still cringe at things I thought and did when I was younger.

No need to continue with him. Why don't you post in relationship and get some good advice about splitting up?

Original poster
sheIliecat · 20/06/2017 22:17

Glad to hear it wasn't just me Atenco

It's hard to articulate what I thought. Just that (in my mind) I needed to be with someone.

My parents were funny people really. I think they loved me but they could be unkind and then I pretty much got left to it in my teens.

OP posts:
simon50 · 20/06/2017 22:21

Sheliecat never be ashamed, I'm a guy who's dad undermined him, made me feel worthless. Met a girl who I thought gave me a way out, after a few years I noticed how her mum bet up on her dad, guess from then in it was learned beheivour and soon it was my turn, took 21yrs to escape, guess what? I walked into another abusive relationship, thought I was worthless and when the next woman took a look at me I ran head long into it, she worked as a dominatrix and brought her work home! For the last 9yrs been in a wonderful loving relationship. Guess you gotta roll with the punches, but there is hope out there.

embod · 20/06/2017 22:24

My exH wasn't abusive but equally wasn't the right man for me. He was my second serious relationship and followed a very controlling, emotionally abusive relationship. As he was different I only saw the positive. I also had self esteem issues and stayed with him...and eventually married him as I didn't think I'd meet anyone else.

Many years later he left me...I nearly had a full breakdown over it BUT a few done the line I'm stronger, have better self esteem and met a man that I really feel I belong with.
My experience has not been as difficult as yours but what I hope you get from my post is that it is possible to turn things around. It'll be hard but just because that's all you've ever know doesn't mean that's all you'll get. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy. Flowers for you OP

speedywell · 20/06/2017 22:29

I think we all feel that we want to be wanted and to be loved, by someone at least, friends, family or a partner.

Ideally our parents would love us well enough and kindly enough that we would know that being single isn't the same as being rejected and unlovable.

I'm so sorry that this bad man has hurt you Shelliecat

Original poster
sheIliecat · 20/06/2017 22:35

Thanks. I like to think he does love me in a way. But I have been very foolish.

OP posts:
speedywell · 20/06/2017 22:44

Me too, many times Shellicat. Lets make tomorrow a wise day shall we?!

MissSmiley · 20/06/2017 22:49

Not really is still not good enough.
You deserve better.
I hope you are safe. Find someone you trust in real life to confide in - it sounds like you could use a friend right now.

Original poster
sheIliecat · 20/06/2017 22:50

I am not allowed friends

OP posts:
JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 20/06/2017 22:56

Gosh. I thought this would be a thread about 20 years of surviving vicissitudes, inc children, and how happy you still were together.

I can't really say much, other than we all get it wrong one way or another. I thought I was the great catch. Funnily enough, DH thought so too, and still does, poor deluded fool. It's taken me 20 years to realise he's bloody fantastic and well, I don't really have anything to offer, apart from two constantly arguing children...

Nobody deserves to be abused, though, and anyone who abuses anyone else isn't worthy of being with them. I hope you find some self-confidence. Life doesn't have to be like this and there are plenty of good, kind men out there who would never dream of hitting anyone...

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 20/06/2017 22:59

"I am not allowed friends".

He doesn't deserve you. You do know that, don't you? Do you have children? Is there anyone you can talk to? Women's Aid?

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 20/06/2017 23:00

Would you be able to opine woman's aid?

cafenoirbiscuit · 20/06/2017 23:02

The things you hope and aim for in younger years are quite often not the same when you're older. You've grown up, and probably away from your husband, and are freer to make your own choices.

There's no shame in that.

Original poster
sheIliecat · 20/06/2017 23:04

Sometimes I just need to share.

It's so stupid I know as telling people does nothing.

He has no respect for me but that's not surprising as I have no respect for me. He gets what he wants when he wants it.

He earns a lot, not sure how much but over £70,000. Yet he gives me a hard time over replacing tights.

Sometimes he's fine. But I'm constantly waiting for when I next annoy him.

OP posts:
speedywell · 20/06/2017 23:21

Do share Shelliecat. All support helps I think. Maybe the relationships board is a better place though. People don't always read the whole thread properly on AIBU.

I agree about making conact with Womens Aid for example. Do what you can on the internet and make your world bigger :)

Your husband sounds extremely horrible and while you live with him you will continue to feel fearful, unwell and ashamed because anyone would in those circumstances. Sometimes there is a small streak of goodness/ love within people who act badly, but if overall they are behaving badly then that is what counts. We all think you deserve better than this.

See what advice you can get about your options for the future. YOUR future :)

cafenoirbiscuit · 21/06/2017 00:08

Sounds like you are having doubts about the future?

PacificDogwod · 21/06/2017 07:46

Sharing is better than going it totally alone Smile

You are right though, you do deserve to respect yourself first and foremost.

He will always find a way to be annoyed by you: to put you in your place.
He is an abuser, that is what they do.

OhTheRoses · 21/06/2017 07:56

Do you work and are there children. How long have you been with him?

  1. I bet you aren't unattractive
  2. I bet you aren't stupid
  3. I bet you are a nice person
  4. I bet you are pretty sensible in spite of him and your parents.
  5. I bet if you leave him you will have a better future.
  6. Nobody should have to justify a pair of tights.
corythatwas · 21/06/2017 08:22

"He has no respect for me but that's not surprising as I have no respect for me"

It's the other way round, love: "I have no respect for me because I have spent my life around people who had no respect for me". This is something he and your parents have done to you, not something you are doing to him. It is not in his interest to contribute to your self respect, because a wife with no self respect is easier to bully, so you can be quite sure he is never going to do that, however hard you try to be his perfect wife.

If you want it to change, you need to get away from the people who disrespect you and start working on your own self-esteem. It is not too late: you can turn your life round.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 21/06/2017 08:26

We look for what we know. You were used to being told you were fat and ugly, that was your model of a relationship. You found a man who also modelled this behaviour. You sound like you've got growing self esteem and know this isn't what you want anymore. I've been there too.

BigChocFrenzy · 21/06/2017 08:35

He is physically abusive
financially abusive
emotionally abusive

You have married far beneath yourself Sad

Loopytiles · 21/06/2017 08:43

You were not looked after well emotionally as a child and teen and, sadly, married an abuser. That was not your fault and you were not at all smug.

Please seek help from an organisation like Womens Aid. You have options and could be far happier without this nasty man.