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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expecting to be included?

19 replies

Jazzer123 · 20/06/2017 09:38

This morning my husband was playing home/family videos that he had recorded over the last few months. All of the videos were of him and our kids. I'm not in any of them! This made me feel really upset. Over the years the only time he videos me, is if we are arguing and he wants to record it to "show me my face". There aren't any videos of us doing family things together or me playing with the kids...if I died tomorrow, there's nothing that includes me! He has to be cajoled to even take a photo of me with the kids but then there's all these videos of himself and the children. AIBU to expect different? It just feels a bit weird. I see all these posts on facebook of husbands posting up photos and videos of their wives and kids clearly adoring them...am I expecting too much? I guess I just want to feel included in our family and have some record of our days out! If he never ever videoed (which was what I thought) then fine, it's not his thing like it's not my thing, but clearly it is his thing but just not when I'm around!!??

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 20/06/2017 09:40

Have you told him how you feel? Fwiw videoing you when you argue is disgusting behaviour.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 20/06/2017 09:42

What is the rest of the relationship like? That infotainment makes it sound like the only reason he is with you is to have a mother for his children, that you are not important otherwise. I'm hoping that's not the case.

But videoing you when you are arguing?that's just nasty.

DoJo · 20/06/2017 09:43

Do you mean selfie type videos? If so, then why can't you make videos of yourself with the kids in the same way?

Tbh though, your description of him videoing you when you are is really unpleasant- why on earth does he do that?!

NavyandWhite · 20/06/2017 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jazzer123 · 20/06/2017 09:52

To Dojo - no not selfie type videos. Videos of them doing things, like riding bikes, sliding on slides etc...but there are no videos of when all of us are out doing those things. Over the years, I just came to the conclusion that its not his thing to do that...some husbands do that. A friend of mine is always taking photos/videos of his wife with the kids...taking a record of the nice times? But then this morning, there are all these videos, just not when I'm around!! That's why it upset me.

OP posts:
NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 20/06/2017 10:02

The recording arguments is horrible.

The videos of family...It depends - both dh and I take lots of videos but they mostly end up showing him and dc, or just dc. It's not deliberate - we only ever realise when we look back over them. If he's doing it deliberately that's a different matter. Can't you take some yourself though, even just on your phone?

AncientOva · 20/06/2017 11:02

Dp never takes pics of me and dd together, unless I specifically ask him to, which irritates me hugely.

I have hundreds of really lovely candid shots of the two of them doing things together, but the ones of me and her are usually awkwardly posed efforts that I've had to prod him to take.

I love recording their relationship for her to look at in the future. If we ever lost him unexpectedly then she would have a wealth of lovely images to help her remember him (she's only two, so she wouldn't necessarily remember much else at this point, iyswim). So no, yanbu.

Quimby · 20/06/2017 11:21

So he's taking the videos and pics of him with the kids?
Then I do think yabu.
You don't get to just say "oh well, it's not my thing so it's you're responsibility"

Quimby · 20/06/2017 11:21

Your

Original poster
Jazzer123 · 20/06/2017 14:29

Exactly this

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazzer123 · 20/06/2017 14:30

previous reply aimed at ancientova

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazzer123 · 20/06/2017 14:34

quimby - I think you misunderstood me. Taking videos is not my thing. I assumed (because he never ever does it when we are all together) that it wasn't his thing either until the surprise lots of videos this morning (I never knew he was taking them). All of the videos are just of him and the kids. I'm not in any of them! When we are all together and I ask him to please take a photo of me and the kids, its a bother for him. He takes it hurriedly, like its an imposition. Its been going on so long that I just got used to it and that's why I had the idea that photos and videos aren't his cup of tea. That's what I mean by "not his thing". Taking photos is my thing. I take lots of the kids. I take lovely photos of him and the kids together. I have gorgeous ones...I don't have the same in return unless another 3rd party takes them or me and the kids do selfies together (which we've got quite good at).

OP posts:
DirtyChaiLatte · 20/06/2017 15:01

I think you're taking offense about something that doesn't sound like it's a big deal in itself.

Now if you're implying that he doesn't like you, or the way you look enough to video you then that's definitely an issue.

Maybe his focus is more on making videos of the kids rather than himself and the kids.....he's in videos as well because he happens to be there.

Looneytune253 · 20/06/2017 15:05

I think it's more like he's taking the videos when you aren't there because he is interacting with another adult when you're there if that makes sense. Maybe when he's alone with the kids it takes away some of the loneliness/boredom and it doesn't occur to him when you're having time together? I think it's relatively common to have much fewer photos with mum in them across the board tbh.

Foniks · 20/06/2017 15:09

community.today.com/parentingteam/post/dear-dads-take-the-picture

There was another that went viral before too, but can't find it right now, only found things talking about it haha.
But yep, seems to be quite common.

livefornaps · 20/06/2017 15:11

Maybe he feels awkward filming around somebody else? You have my sympathy though - I can see why you're hurt. How would he react if you just sat him down and said, "really lovely seeing those vids of you & the kids today, how about we take some more with all the family in?"

Original poster
Jazzer123 · 20/06/2017 18:02

Thanks for all your advice everyone. We chatted and its sorted now. Hopefully we will now get some video this summer of all of us!

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 20/06/2017 19:21

the only time he videos me, is if we are arguing and he wants to record it to "show me my face

Which suggests he instigates these arguments!! Otherwise how would he know to have his phone ready to record?

In your shoes you need to end all discussion with him as soon as his phone appears in an argument. Refuse to engage with him. Leave the room.

What a git.

Scholes34 · 20/06/2017 20:32

I'm the photographer in my household - I even took most of the photos of people at my own wedding! (This was in the days before selfies, so I'm not in many of them)

DH rarely takes photos of me, and to be honest they're never going to be as good as mine! When I do come across of picture of me, I usually shout "see, I was there!"

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