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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to stop groping me?

47 replies

barkinginessex · 20/06/2017 07:22

I'm at the end of my tether with him constantly groping and grabbing at me and it's a big turn off.
I'll just be sitting on the sofa or making dinner and he'll come over and start stroking my leg and then his hand moves upwards and he starts grabbing at me.
I feel like a piece of meat and I want to bat his hand away!
If I do move his hands he acts all hurt and says I never let him touch me.
Are all men like this?

OP posts:

ChicRock · 20/06/2017 14:16

I feel claustrophobic just reading this.

My ex used to do this, despite me asking, and then telling him not to. Constantly griping and pawing at me, waking me up every morning stroking my breasts and rubbing himself against me.

So one day I was bending down loading the dishwasher and he came up behind me, grabbed my hips and started grinding his crutch into my bum.

I absolutely lost the plot and turned round elbow first and smashed him hard in the nose, then went full on batshit crazy and launched a plate at him and kicked hi really hard in the balls.

Unsurprisingly, we split a few days later and it was only after he'd left that I realised how permanently on edge I was the whole time in my own home when he was around, even in my sleep I was aware of him.

My advice - get rid. Seriously.

Ebb · 20/06/2017 14:23

My partner is like this too. He wants intimacy and contact but to be constantly pawed at is just a huge turn off. You're constantly on edge.

DearMrDilkington · 20/06/2017 14:27

My dp does this but I like it.

It's a big problem if you've told him you don't like it and his ignored you. I'd end a relationship over something like this. I could never be with someone who doesn't understand basic consent.

Belle1616 · 20/06/2017 14:30

My DP does this and I like it.

But if i told him to stop I'd expect him to listen.

Original poster

barkinginessex · 20/06/2017 17:08

Thanks everyone, feeling less of a prude now! I've only started to notice him doing this more recently. He has always been affectionate and cuddly but this feels different. I think I'm going to start doing it to him to see what reaction I get.
I am worried that I will react badly one day and end up punching him as a PP mentioned or screaming at him to stop bloody groping me!

OP posts:

NellieFiveBellies · 20/06/2017 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 20/06/2017 17:45

He's a prick.

Pre-sexual activity, should be a two way thing & the fact he's probably repulsing you so much that you're not initiating anything would be enough for anyone with any common sense that there's an issue.

StormTreader · 20/06/2017 17:50

It's amazing that these men that "can't stop themselves" apparently "can stop themselves" at work, out in public, around friends....

expatinscotland · 20/06/2017 17:51

What a prick! I wouldn't bother doing it back to him. I'd end it with someone like this, he doesn't give a shit about how you feel.

Lweji · 20/06/2017 17:55

If you've told him to stop and he keeps going there's only one way to stop him.

Dump him.

Frankly, if you let it go on, at some point you'll be posting that you've woken up to him raping you and he'll blame his libido.
Up to you.

lemonzest123 · 20/06/2017 17:57

banana "He would also burst into the room when i was getting dressed/undressed in a jokey way"

I would absolutely lose it if someone did this to me

ChicRock · 20/06/2017 17:57

Doing it to him is a bad idea.

I decided to try that with ex and he honestly thought I was up for a shag in the kitchen whilst his kids were in the next room watching tv - and he would have done it too. It'll backfire on you.

MrsPorth · 20/06/2017 17:59

It happened to me when I was married. One of the pleasantest things about separating was being able to climb into bed without being pawed, and waking up without someone landing on top of me two seconds later. I put up with it for too long.

Sushi123 · 20/06/2017 18:17

My ex used to do this in the early days - he was just horny, but I told him to stop treating me like a fucking Fisher price activity centre....he did stop, he didn't mean any harm by it and was always extremely respectful of me...so it really depends on the context of it...does he stop when you ask him

PetraStrorm · 22/06/2017 10:39

He sees your body as his property. He can control himself with other people in public because the women he sees don't 'belong' to him. He probably thinks that because you're in a relationship, you're basically in a permanent state of consent so he's free to access your body whenever he chooses to. That's why he gets arsey when you object. He really doesn't think you're justified in doing so.

I'd also be careful about doing it back to him. I suspect he'd see it as reciprocation and encouragement, giving him (in his mind) yet more reason to get arsey if you ever say no again.

Does he also react badly if people 'can't take a joke'? If he's one of those types he's basically utterly self-entered and selfish in a way he'll never understand. I just wouldn't even bother trying to change things. I'd end the relationship.

PetraStrorm · 22/06/2017 10:48

This YouTube video is good. It's pretty well-known and explains consent in terms of making someone a cup of tea. It's very straightforward. Suitable (in my opinion) for anyone from teens upwards who needs to understand consent in relationships. If he doesn't get it after watching this, he may be a lost cause. It's about initiating sex rather than 'just' groping your partner. That's the thing he might latch on to as it not applying to him.

Sorry if I seem scornful of him. It just really pisses me off that your partner is happily dehumanising you on a daily basis and expects you to joyfully accept it.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 22/06/2017 10:55

"or screaming at him to stop bloody groping me!"

And what's wrong with you actually doing this? He clearly isn't getting the message. I wouldn't grope him, he may like it and see it as a come on rather than you trying to prove a point. Tell him there is a word for men like him who carry on regardless of the fact they don't have consent......shock him.

PetraStrorm · 22/06/2017 10:55

(Last post, I promise! This has just really got my goat!)

You're a human being, not a fucking chocolate cake on the counter that he 'can't resist' having a slice of whenever it takes his fancy.

If he can resist grabbing and eating random chocolate cake whenever he's at the supermarket, or diving in with a spoon whenever he sees someone eating their own chocolate cake in a cafe then he can bloody well control his behaviour with you. He's choosing not to.

Lweji · 22/06/2017 11:17

He's choosing not to.

Exactly. And why you should end this relationship. Now.

DixieFlatline · 22/06/2017 11:27

For balance, my DH has never, ever done shit like this. I'd think he'd had a brain injury if he started.

The only thing he has ever done is occasionally affectionately rubbing my arm or upper back in an absentminded way while doing something else (e.g. watching something on the computer) which I've found unpleasant, and then had me react badly and sometimes shout at him. Which he takes graciously - because if you're going to touch someone absentmindedly and it turns out to be at the wrong angle or something and they find it unpleasant, that's still your fault for not paying attention and you should stop it and take care not to do it again.

In contrast - your partner is actively choosing to touch you in a way you dislike and have asked him not to, and then has the nerve to act abusive about you expressing your wish for him not to do it. Dump. The. Twat.

hazeydays14 · 22/06/2017 11:34

It's not necessarily the groping that's the issue, it's that you've specifically said no and he won't listen. That would be a huge red flag for me.

I agree with the PP who said to ask him bluntly 'why are you doing that when I have said no?' because he will have to think about his stupid behaviour and how inappropriate it is. If he can't see how much he is disrespecting you, then the relationship isn't worth it IMO.

I'd agree that doing it back to him might not go the way you hope. If he's that immature, he might see it as you giving the green light for his behaviour.

DP can be quite handsy but I like it. The minute I say I'm not in the mood or similar it stops. Consent is so important and being in a relationship does not take that choice away from you.

Greypaw · 22/06/2017 11:38

My exH was like this - always always groping me when I was trying to do something else, if I asked him not to would sulk off with a "FINE, I'll NEVER touch you again then!". He'd grope me every night in bed, specifically doing the things I'd asked him not to do, touching me in places I hated being touched, and yes, sulking if I objected. He said he couldn't keep his hands off me either. I grew to think this was just a normal part of being desired.

I didn't see it as abuse then, and he was such a happy, sunny, funny guy, but of course it was abuse. And of course he became more abusive. I think he just felt that if I laid down a physical boundary, he had to cross it to somehow remind me I was his. Ten years into our marriage, it ended in a serious sexual assault. We're divorced now.

Sorry your DH is treating you like this.

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