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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want someone in my house who sexually assaulted my friend at school.

67 replies

greencattis · 19/06/2017 20:55

DH and I have been together since school and had the same friendship group in sixth form. One of the boys in the group sexually assaulted my friend when we were all 17. It was incredibly traumatic for her and really changed her personality, clothing and behaviour afterwards. She never reported it to the police or school. She told me and one other friend and asked us to explain to the others in the friendship group that she just didn’t want to be around this boy again. She did not tell anyone else but this boy told a lot of people in our sixth form pre-emptively that they had been involved but she had now invented an assault and that she was a liar/ fantasist/ drama queen. A lot of random people then started saying horrible things to her/ giving her dirty looks etc. It was absolutely horrible and I remember how furious I was for her but she just wanted to keep her head down and get through it.

Over 10 years later and we have moved back to the area we went to school. I still count the girl as a friend although we have drifted over the years due to geography and I only tend to see her at weddings etc. DH has got back in touch with many of our former school friends and started seeing them regularly as a group. He feels he is able to be polite to the boy (man now) and just doesn’t think about what happened.

This group regularly go around to each other’s houses and hubby would like to have them around here but I just cannot stand the thought of him setting foot in our house, meeting our DS or even seeing him at all. I feel he never admitted what he did or how he made it so much worse by calling her a liar (when nobody even knew!) and got away with temporarily ruining her life. I know the other men in the group are a mixture of thinking it was all so long ago that it doesn’t matter or believe that she really did make it up in the first place – which makes me additionally angry! I would like to see these old friends again and want DH to be able to have his friends over but it seems impossible to do this and exclude this man as it would become a big, divisive drama and not fair on DH. I also don’t know if I could look my friend in the face if she ever found out I had welcomed him into my home. DH is being really lovely and saying he completely understands if I don’t want this man here but I know this friendship group is very important to him. AIBU not to want this man in the house when what he did was a decade ago?

OP posts:

user1476869312 · 19/06/2017 21:32

I think it's fair enough to stick to your guns and refuse to have the man in your house - by all means invite the others but let him know he is not welcome.
I'm not sure it's such a good idea to tell the people in the friendship group who weren't there ten years ago all about it. They may react in unhelpful ways and you may end up with more drama than you want. However, if the man ignores your request and tries to force your hand by showing up anyway (which is the sort of thing that an entitled sexual predator might well decide to do because, after all, women are silly and a Real Man doesn't let himself be bossed about by them), then it's fine to be very public about not letting him over the threshold because he's an unrepentant rapist.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 19/06/2017 21:35

YANBU refuse to have a man like that in your house. Its up to your DH to tell him.

LemonSqueezy0 · 19/06/2017 21:36

fuzzyfozzy a sexual predator need only apologise before you let him back in your home, around yourself, your friends and family?! Seriously?!

SmileEachDay · 19/06/2017 21:39

I wonder if your DH would be as accommodating if it had been you would had been attacked. Because that was just luck, really.

DameDeDoubtance · 19/06/2017 21:40

Him coming round shouldn't even be on the table, he assaulted your friend.

MrsDustyBusty · 19/06/2017 21:41

Are any of your husband's friends the parents of teenaged girls?

ThreeForAPound · 19/06/2017 21:46

YANBU. A good friend was sexually assaulted by three boys in my year at school. Reported to the police, but she was too traumatised to take it to court.

Over the years I drifted apart from this friend and she eventually moved away. However, I still have to see these men at weddings / christenings /funerals etc, and I just blank them completely and don't ever feel the need to explain OR to hide. I just tell people they know why I don't speak to them and if they want to clarify it, THEY can ask me.

DH is supportive. If he wasn't, I would be seriously considering my position.

phoenix1973 · 19/06/2017 21:48

Yanbu.

Gemini69 · 19/06/2017 21:50

I agree ... your entitled to stop whomever you please from entering your Home..... and should do so...

however... I do not agree you have the right to share such controversial unsubstantiated damaging information about someone who has not had right of reply in a Court of Law...

I have much sympathy for your friend... but only your friend and the 17 year old guy (at the time) knows what occurred... and she chose not to go to the Police...

it's a very difficult one... please tread carefully

elevenclips · 19/06/2017 21:51

I'd just not have them at your house

Sexual assault perpetrators hugely unlikely just to have the one victim.

TheCakeCrusader · 19/06/2017 21:56

Yanbu

What this man did, however historic it is, does not automatically give him a clean slate today because the assault was not reported at the time.

There's no way I'd want an abuser in my home either- I hope your husband will take more consideration about associating himself with this man.

MiddleEnglandLives · 19/06/2017 22:09

Gemini69 I kind of get it, but really please tell us that you know how few women lie about assaults, how common sexual crime is and just how difficult it has been and still is for women to get the authorities to even begin taking them seriously about any kind of sexual crime.

Op YADNBU to not collude in this man's escape from justice and the acceptance of sexual crime.

QueenoftheAndals · 19/06/2017 22:09

DH is being really lovely and saying he completely understands if I don’t want this man here

Sorry OP but if your DH willingly hangs out with a rapist then I don't think he's all that lovely.

slightlyglitterbrained · 19/06/2017 22:11

Reread earlier post and realised it sounds like I'm saying that many rapists only rape once, which is not what I intended to say. What I did intend to say was that although it isn't absolutely clear, there is a chance that he might be one of the extremely dangerous 4% of rapists who are intelligent enough to have figured out how to successfully find social environments where they can commit multiple rapes by choosing victims who are too afraid/won't be believed. He was successful with his first with exactly that tactic. Why would he have stopped, once he knew how to get away with it?

It depends on the males in his social circle accepting and tolerating his past. I would be looking out for teenage friends of his friends' children, especially any who are "troubled" or in some way vulnerable.

HoldBackTheRain · 19/06/2017 22:13

I could be your friend. It went around where I lived (and at my sons school) that I was a liar who pretended to be raped by my ex because I was bitter he duped me/was an alcoholic/had serious MH probs. None of which were true (although I did get depression and anxiety as a result so 2 out of 3 wasn't bad). Honestly it was one of the worst times of my life. It all happenned 8 years ago now and although some things will stay with me for life (like I don't think I'll ever be able to be in another relationship, and am a lot more scared of situations now) I am much better than I was. If you were my friend I would be so glad that you wouldn't have him in your house just because it was 10 years ago. Because what rape does is, is stays with you for life in some shape or form. Time makes some of it better, but not all of it. And I would think so much of someone who do what you do.

user1495025590 · 19/06/2017 22:17

maybe he didn't do it.I don't really know how anyone can be sure if it wasn't investigated

SpiritedLondon · 19/06/2017 22:25

You are completely entitled to refuse to allow this guy into your house. In fact what would the rationale be for allowing him in? It doesn't matter after 10 years or you don't really
believe you friend? I would invite the others and if they ask about this guy I would say that you haven't forgotten what he did. ( and if they mitigate his behaviour I would challenge them regarding what is classic offender behaviour ). If you see him personally I would also speak to him directly and tell him you know what he did and as long as your friend has a problem with him then you have a problem with him. After that I would blank him at any social events ( like weddings) where you are both in the same room.

MistressDeeCee · 19/06/2017 22:26

YANBU. No way would I even want a sexual predator in my eyeline, I'm a firm believer that leopards dont change their spots anyway. Im glad your DH is being lovely about it. I hope that doesnt get missed, on thread - your DH isnt insisting this creep should be around. That would be awful.

HoldBackTheRain · 19/06/2017 22:28

funny how nearly all rape apologists are user blah blah blah.

Cos we all make it up for shit and giggles. Not.

WhooooAmI24601 · 19/06/2017 22:31

Nope NBU at all to refuse him entry to your home. If he has the gall to ask why, tell him the truth; that you don't want someone who is an utter cunt near or in your home.

Men who perpetrate acts like this often defend their position with cries of "she's fucking crazy" or "it's all in her head". Statistically he's far more likely to have committed the assault than she is to have made it up. I'd err on the side of caution every time.

Freddystarshamster · 19/06/2017 22:35

Gemini69 I kind of get it, but really please tell us that you know how few women lie about assaults, how common sexual crime is and just how difficult it has been and still is for women to get the authorities to even begin taking them seriously about any kind of sexual crime

We'll given as described in the OP, that it wouldn't be counted in any statistics whatsoever, how do you know the number?

ThreeForAPound · 19/06/2017 22:36

My friend didn't make anything up. She came to my house the morning after it happened in a state and I was the one who called the police. I've never seen someone so traumatised. And the bastards called her a liar and fantasist. And she was a bullied, vulnerable girl who people didn't really like much, so it was easy for people to believe she was a liar.

I believed and believe her.

YANBU! I repeat.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/06/2017 22:37

My dh would seriously go down in my estimation for being willing to turn a blind eye and socialise in a group with this man anywhere tbh.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 19/06/2017 22:43

YANBU but I'd be fuming with my DH for willingly associating with a sexual predator because having this group of friends is so important.

reetgood · 19/06/2017 22:52

I've been part of a friendship group where something similar happened. I'm ashamed to say for a long time I tried to maintain a relationship with both parties, being prepared to excuse his behaviour. I would never, ever have invited him to the same place as her though. And in our group of friends it did come to the point where we had to choose, and people chose her.

Years later I apologised. It's not brilliant but perhaps your husband will allow himself to be informed as I was. It was around the savile revelations that I saw a tie between abuse happening in plain sight, and what happened with my friend. Too many women are not believed.

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