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Is this rude? (bday party related)

28 replies

tricolouredcockerspaniel · 19/06/2017 14:52

Help, not sure what the etiquette is regarding this!

I am attempting to organise a birthday dinner for myself and a friend with our work friends in a fortnight. However the problem is that as we are a group of at least 25 people, they want a deposit which is going to be £6 for each person (this will come off the cost of their food). Is it rude to send out an email asking for this (and all asking the 10 or so people I haven't heard from to let me know)? I plan to add on the end that if people don't fancy the meal they can always meet us afterwards as we'll be going for drinks.

I don't in any way expect people to pay for us or bring presents, but I don't want to pay £100+ upfront (particularly when there are a lot of maybes)... For our work christmas meal everyone paid a deposit and were fine with it, but it feels different as this a a personal dinner!

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 19/06/2017 14:54

I can't see a problem with asking them for a deposit. It's not your rule but the restaurant's and you don't want to end up footing the bill for anyone who says they're coming then changes their mind.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 19/06/2017 14:54

Yes, it's rude.

Book somewhere without weird strings attached. Charging for a deposit is oddball behaviour.

Whatsername17 · 19/06/2017 14:54

Not rude at all.

Scottishchick39 · 19/06/2017 14:55

I don't see the problem with it, I wouldn't mind paying plus it will make sure that everyone who said they will come does actually come.

resigninginagain · 19/06/2017 14:55

It seems strange that you're going to so much effort to organise a party for yourselfs your own birthday.

I think the etiquette is to realise you're an adult and that getting 25 people to begrudgingly attend a self-organised party is a stretch too far.

SmitheringSmithison · 19/06/2017 14:56

Not rude at all lol, also normal for deposits to be charged for large bookings so should be expected

ScarletSienna · 19/06/2017 14:56

Not rude-loads of places do it for large numbers so people should understand.

Leeds2 · 19/06/2017 14:58

I would send round an email saying that you have to pay deposits, so could anyone who is coming let you have £6 by x pm on y date, when you will book. It will actually help you work out who, exactly, is coming.

paxillin · 19/06/2017 14:59

Book somewhere else. I wouldn't think it rude, but cumbersome to transfer money/ meet to pay for a birthday. Would make a decline much more likely from me. Depends how busy everyone is, if most people are 19 year old students living in halls, no problem, much older, spread out, busy jobs, family... too much faff.

Want2beme · 19/06/2017 15:02

I'd take care of the deposit myself with other birthday person and I'd also pay the bill with the other person, if I'd invited people to my birthday bash, but that's just me. There's a possibility that not everyone will turn up to the restaurant, so you're better off going to a restaurant that doesn't expect a deposit, if that's possible.

kaytee87 · 19/06/2017 15:04

Totally normal for a place to charge a deposit for a large group.

Not rude to ask people for it, I wouldn't chase up the people that hadn't replied though.

DrSpin · 19/06/2017 15:04

I've been to similar dinners out - not rude at all in my social circle

greendale17 · 19/06/2017 15:05

Not rude at all.

Shadow666 · 19/06/2017 15:09

Whatever you do, don't pay it yourself because you'll end up being shafted. Either book somewhere else or ask people to pay the 6 pounds each. Either is ok, but some people might not like the sound of a deposit and drop out.

tricolouredcockerspaniel · 19/06/2017 15:09

Hmm ok a mixed response

This is the 4th or so place I've spoken to, I think it's a pretty standard request from restaurants these days as if such a big party it must be frustration

resigninginagain the reason I was encouraged to do this is that lots of people have done this throughout the year. If it makes a difference it's a grad scheme programme so lots of fresh out of uni people who started together in September. So generally we are all young, most of do not have family commitments and all pretty broke Grin. Most of us were new to this city also so we tend to have a much more social dynamic and go out together most weeks.

I haven't had a birthday party since I was about 18 as like a lot of people it feels weird- one of the reasons why I was so keen for a joint birthday parties!

I agree that if it was an effort for people I wouldn't- but we do all work in the same building!

OP posts:
tricolouredcockerspaniel · 19/06/2017 15:10

posted to soon **must be frustrating if they don't turn up

OP posts:
ChicRock · 19/06/2017 15:12

Book somewhere without weird strings attached.

It's a booking for 25 people, it's perfectly normal for a restaurant to request a deposit on such a booking. Unless you're eating at McDonald's.Confused

paxillin · 19/06/2017 15:13

In which case, go ahead. All young, see each other daily, broke... not too much trouble to collect. You could ask a couple beforehand to see how they react.

Bitchywaitress · 19/06/2017 15:15

I have seen this problem a lot (at my previous restaurant). 'Sally' has organised the party, £10 deposit pp comes off the bill on the day, so dividing the bill should be easy, but wait no!!! Cause Xfucker and Yfucker DIDN'T give Sally their £10 each, hence total confusion when the bill comes. Total ball ache.

My current restaurant has an official policy of taking deposits for 10 guests or more, but in reality we can't be bothered with the hassle and never do apart from Christmas.

If you do pay yourself to avoid the hassle of collecting the money, call and confirm everyone on the day, then give (largely) accurate numbers to the restaurant. I guarantee they will not forfit part of your deposit if you make just a little effort to ensure they are not setting up too many places. My last place never never ever deducted money for a few people not showing up. Would be tight and mean when the group has spent £100s.

If you can afford it OP, can you pay the £100 and then use it for some fizz for the table to thank everyone for coming? Again not sure of your finances but I think this would be a nice touch.

Redsippycup · 19/06/2017 15:16

Not rude at all - totally normal.

Send out an email to everyone who has accepted / not replied, saying that the restaurant requires an advance deposit to book the table, anyone who wants to come needs to let you have the money by x date please. No changes to the booking are allowed after same x date. Give yourself a couple of days between your date and the reataurant's - there are always the people that say they are coming the day after your cut off date!

Anyone that doesn't want to do the meal is welcome to come for drinks afterwards

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/06/2017 15:17

Completely normal to ask for a deposit for such a large booking.

Birdsgottaf1y · 19/06/2017 15:18

""It seems strange that you're going to so much effort to organise a party for yourselfs your own birthday.
I think the etiquette is to realise you're an adult and that getting 25 people to begrudgingly attend a self-organised party is a stretch too far.""

Not everyone has someone who could arrange it. Everyone should be an adult and say no, if they don't want to attend.

I think this is were MN differs from RL.

I'm 49 and me and my peer group would be up for this and wouldn't have a problem with deposits in advance.

There's no faff, these days with internet banking and paypal.

OwlinaTree · 19/06/2017 15:25

I've done this with work events. Usually end up paying the deposit myself based on number that have signed up then it's done, then get the money off everyone.

It's fairly common with large parties, as if you don't show up they will have lost a lot of money, and by paying a deposit you are committed to going, rather than all changing your minds and going somewhere else.

GoneDownhill · 19/06/2017 15:26

It's not rude and there is nothing rude about arranging your own birthday meal. It sounds like you are nice and clear about the arrangements.

What are you doing about drinks? How about suggesting everyone buys their own drinks as they go along at the bar and you won't get any problems when you get the bill at the end of the meal?

BangkokBlues · 19/06/2017 15:29

Jesus christ there are some really fucking rude and mean responses on here

Like this one: It seems strange that you're going to so much effort to organise a party for yourselfs your own birthday.

@resigninginagain don;t you like your friends then? Don't you like celebrating their birthday. Maybe pipe down and wind your neck given you clearly have no experience of this type of event.

Everything @Redsippycup said - this is totally normal just do as she suggests

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