Arguing in a relationship - what is normal and does it ever improve?

[user1497859902]

DP and I have been together 3 years and when we are getting on, our relationship is amazing. We go through phases of arguing, which will usually consist of 2 or more in the space of a few days. We get on well for a few weeks, then have a week of arguing and repeat. We don’t have shouting matches, but our disagreements can get verbally heated (we can both say nasty things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment).

The things we argue about are usually instigated by me and are normally quite trivial matters really. DP can be lazy and inconsiderate at times and also when he’s stressed, he can take it out on me. If I feel upset/annoyed about one of his actions, I like to discuss it whereas DP shuts down and tries to change the subject to avoid any confrontation. DP’s unwillingness to discuss things annoys me further, leading in me provoking him/following him around the house trying to talk until an argument breaks. DP feels I’m argumentative and that the arguments tie in with my ‘time of the month’ though that’s not the case for all of our disagreements. I have never had a relationship where I have not had a lot of arguments, which leads me to wonder if I am the problem.

Are these sorts of relationships ever able to get better? We don’t want to carry on like this but we have not yet found a solution to the above. We can both see how good we are for one another but when we argue we can lose all sight of this and nasty things are said. I have this morning found out that I am pregnant (unplanned), hence this post and feel terribly worried about the right way forward.

Do you think the arguments ultimately help clear the air and resolve issues that need discussing?

DP and I almost never argue, but I grew up with parents who argued constantly and horribly and I hated it so much that it has left me practically unable to "argue" without just crying. I'm not sure it is that healthy because it means things can fester when it would be better to have them out.

To be honest the way you describe your arguments reminds me a bit of my parents dynamic. Dad was often more unreasonable / selfish, but mum would deal with it badly and goad him into awful arguments and never, ever let things drop. These arguments never resolved anything, they were just totally cycular and it was about the same stuff every time for years and years. If this is like you, I urge you to have couples therapy or think about ending the relationship.

How do you feel after the arguments? Do you feel like the air is cleared and you can kiss and make up, or are you still irritated? What about how the arguments start, do you try and and have a conversation first or does it start with shouting etc?

After an argument we will always apologise and make up - we amaze ourselves that we can switch back to love and happiness mode almost straight after. Until the next time of course.

Normally things will start with me being annoyed by something DP has done. I'll try and speak to him and he'll brush it off as nothing and try and continue in his jolly manner as if I'm not annoyed/upset at all. This in turn annoys me and eventually an argument breaks out. There is rarely any shouting - maybe twice during our relationship.

I just don't want to bring a baby in to this world if this is going to continue. We both want things to work so badly.

DH and I don't always agree on things, or we may have complaints. In our case DH and I care deeply about each other's feelings and never abuse, insult each other or raise our voices all that much when we have a discussion where our views oppose each other. We're not snide or sarcastic, nor do we talk about our relationship to others.

We've always been like this with each other, but we were both in past relationships where we were with sulky shouters and understand the destructiveness of that kind of childish behaviour towards a partner.

If we have niggles centring around PIL (who are particularly 'needy') DH keeps me informed but makes sure it never impacts on me. I'm not gloating, its been a long difficult road for each of us wading through life's shit to find each other, and now we would not want to waste a single minute by damaging what we have.

We argued a fair bit before we married .Just general bickering probably due to the frustration of living in different cities during further education.
Since we got wed 43 years ago I can count the amount of real rows we've had on one hand.
Mind you now we've retired anything could happen,though all well so far

Does he stop doing the inconsiderate things when he apologises?

Tbh, this sounds like he's a dick to you rather a lot of the time. Then every couple of weeks you can't take it any more and crack, he tries to get you to shut the fuck up, you don't because you are so pissed off with him. Eventually it turns into an argument where you are so angry you say things you regret and feel bad, which then means you apologise for the argument and decide to shut the fuck up after all. You then stay shutted the fuck up until he takes his stress out on you one too many times again and you crack. Repeat forever. Or until you let him treat you as badly as he likes because it's not worth the arguments.

This is what he's like before you have kids when everything can be lovely and equal and there's no real stress and you can pander away to him because you aren't exhausted and more focussed on the baby.

What kind of inconsiderate things? How does he take his stress out on you?

We both want things to work so badly. What has he suggested is the best way to fix this? Is it for you to stop being "hormonal", to shut up with your nagging and just let him have an easy life?

I dunno. You do sound argumentative tbh. But that's cos I cannot imagine following someone around the house like that. It sounds really goady.

I have been with my DH 7 years now, 4 months married. I'd say at 3 years we'd just moved in and would argue like you've posted. He was lazy and inconsiderate, and I possibly expected too much. But we hardly argue now.
I think you get used to how one another do things, and arguments often clear the air. We argued about how rubbish he was with money/round the house, but we now work like a proper team at both, and I think a lot of that was me wanting to be independent to the point of not pooling any money etc.
I've felt since about 3 years that our arguments have improved! And also that it was safe to argue, that he loved me and knew it wouldn't affect us long term.
Have you just moved in? Started a new job? I know we take stress out on each other as I think we know we're 'safe'.

It is normal to argue sometimes, but if the problems are never resolved, then it becomes an issue. If he wants to stop arguing, he needs to listen to your concerns before you become frustrated. If you want to stop fighting, don't follow him around the house trying to force the issue. Perhaps write down, in a factual, non aggressive way, what is wrong, and what he can do to fix it, and leave it for him when he returns. Is it always you that apologises, or does he take responsibility?

The most important thing is, when you do argue, stick to the issue. Never resort to insults and never say anything you know you will regret, because even when you apologise, you can't take it, or the hurt it causes, back.

We argued a bit more before we got married but it was about big (circumstantial) things that we had to deal with. But even then it was maybe once every two months or so? Now I literally can't remember the last time we argued, but it was definitely over a year ago.

Some couples' counselling might help you find tools to resolve disagreements in a productive and calm way.

He has agreed to go to his GP this week and request that he is referred for some psychological therapy. He had cancer prior to our relationship and although he's been given the all clear, he still suffers bad health and has lost a lot as a result (his old career etc.) I feel a lot of time like he's in his own world and he's admitted there's a lot going on in his head. I think this could be the root cause of some of our issues.

I also admit that I'm not able to let things go and can push and push until I get a response. In hindsight I should take a breather and discuss things when I'm in a calmer frame of mind.

He wants us to put together a chart detailing the chores and who is responsible for doing them as most of our arguments are about this and the fact I feel he doesn't do enough. It just makes it feel like we are children though

And yes we have just bought a house together

It's good that he's going for therapy but I do think that this sounds like an issue that you both need to deal with which is why couples' counselling might help.

A chart sounds like a good idea if chores are the source of lots of arguments! We solved that one by getting a cleaner. If you're pregnant, though, he'll need to step up as the first trimester can be really tough.

I don't think arguments are necessarily a problem, I bicker with my DH all the time and we have been together 15 years and are happy together. I find if you don't argue resentment can build up because someone might always be giving in.

It depends on how bad the arguments are and what they are about. If we are arguing about the number of shoes cluttering up the hallway I don't see that as a problem. If we were disagreeing over major life decisions and things were getting nasty I'd be more worried.

Let him make the chart. It is a good idea. Clear responsibilities help everyone.

And stop doing more than 50% if that's what you are doing. Just don't do it. No one likes a martyr.

I could have written this post. It's exactly how my husband and I are.

We have been together 12 years and I have no doubt we will stay together. However it would be nice to not have these rows.

Following with interest!

You know some people don't breeze through it, they have to work at it. In my opinion that doesn't mean they shouldn't be together. At least you're both making steps to improve things! Me and my partner have had to work really hard at our relationship and there were times when I wanted to give up. Actually it was him who stood by me and said we have to keep trying and I'm glad he did. We're good now and I know I want to be with him but I don't doubt will have rough patches again. For us it was a combination of things that needed to happen - me doing stuff for myself and becoming healthier and happier, therefore more able to cope and deal with stress & disagreements. Both of us being a bit kinder to each other but also less offended by each other! Communicating better which we are still working on. Helping each other out and asking for help when we need it. Being a team when it comes to the kids. Good luck in your relationship and with your pregnancy!

Do the chart OP, it seems counter productive to me to not be open to anything that might help if the arguments are making you miserable.

It does sound like you need to find better ways to resolve conflict (would some relationship counselling be a good idea?) but it can't hurt to keep those conflicts to a minimum in the first place so I would try to be open to any ideas you or he might have to help with that.

I'm a dog-with-a-bone, can't leave things alone type too and have to make a conscious effort not to keep on at DH if I'm pissed off and don't feel like he's doing enough to resolve whatever issue we have. That approach puts him on the defensive and we get nowhere so I have had to learn over the years the best way to tackle things so that we talk instead of arguing. I find he meets me half way if I approach things in a less confrontational way so it's not just me making concessions, he gets that I need to feel heard and that he has to respect and consider my point of view even if he doesn't agree with it now and things get resolved much more quickly and with less drama these days.

It's taken us a long time to reach some sort of middle ground though (been together 16 years now) so I don't think your relationship is unusual or 'in trouble', it's just something you both need to work on.

Do the chart! More people use them than you think

I was with my ex for ten years. We argued once in that time. I don't understand these relationships where frequent arguments are considered normal. I wouldn't want to be in one.

Sounds similar to my dh and me. He hears any negative, no matter how gently put, as a criticism and becomes very defensive which can mean aggression or shutting down responses. So you're left torn between I should just do it and actually no why should I be cowed into doing something to protect dh's fragile ego!
We've been together much longer and it hasn't changed but got worse or I am more silently resentful of him and don't respect him. He calls me names when he's angry and says I'm abusive if I point out what has actually gone on.
We have had once counselling session and I want more but we need childcare. It was nice to be in a 'safe' environment in which to be able to talk.