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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to regret being charitable?

50 replies

Sadderbutwisergirl · 18/06/2017 21:55

First time poster here! Honestly assumed my first AIBU would be about my MIL...

One of my best friends is pregnant with her first DD. My own (first and last!) DD is approaching 2.

Neither she nor her DH have full time jobs, so when she begged for as many hand-me-downs as I could muster I of course wanted to help out.

She has received a few baby grows already, all pastel pink. Both of us hate that gender stuff and I promised her a veritable rainbow.

I packed 3 old nappy boxes of clothes, including some designery stuff bought for my DS in wrong sizes that have never been worn. One hoodie from my MIL still has tages and was £25. Again, my BF and I would balk at that. There are quite a few similar pieces with similar prices among the piles of supermarket sleepsuits. Before she got pregnant, I was hoping to sell them on ebay with a fiver or so off as I only work part time myself.

I offered her the boxes at a tenner each because of all the unworn stuff.

After I left them with her she's sorted through it all and said she'll take ONE box. She's discarded nearly everything but for the unworn posh stuff. She's got circa £100 of unworn clothes for a tenner. I don't think I'd have minded of she'd just taken everything for £30.

AIBU to feel put out? She said she was desperate for anything I could spare...

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 18/06/2017 22:45

You did say she begged though. Why don't you just give her the clothes out of the kindness of your heart. Who watches a friend beg and then charges them for the stuff they begged for - don't mean to be critical OP just trying to persuade you to have a change of heart

Mrbrownstone · 18/06/2017 22:46

Its really scabby to charge your friend for your hand me downs. Even the new stuff. I would give it gladly to help a friend out.

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 18/06/2017 22:47

She begged for clothes.

Give her the clothes.

If you are reluctant to part with the clothes you shouldn't have included them.

I can never imagine handing over clothes my 3 dds have outgrown and invoicing someone - if they NEED to pay a handwave and "oh pay it forward" suffices.

I have a bag in the boot of my car from a friend as we speak, given in that way.

Notknownatthisaddress · 18/06/2017 22:48

Agree with the posters that say YABU.

I think you're tightfisted to have charged a friend anything at all, and what did you mean your MIL bought something for your baby for £25 and you 'balked' at it?

No matter how much you think the stuff is worth; it's second hand baby stuff and is worth very little. I wouldn't pay anymore for a designer babygro than a primark one. My baby is just going to puke on it, and grow out of it in a month!

Original poster

Sadderbutwisergirl · 18/06/2017 22:53

I honestly thought I'd hurt her pride by offering it for free, she is insisting on buying non-clothing sruff from us after all.

As for the point that the unworn stuff were gifts in themselves, I concede that one, maybe I should have simply left those out and charged less.

As for the 'crap' - nothing was damaged or stained...

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 18/06/2017 22:56

But if you only charged her because you didn't want to hurt her pride why are you annoyed?

LiveLongAndProspero · 18/06/2017 23:01

But if you only charged her because you didn't want to hurt her pride why are you annoyed?

Yes, this. If the price was just to save her blushes, you wouldn't care what you got for them. When clearly you wanted to make money from things that you got as gifts that you didn't want.

Original poster

Sadderbutwisergirl · 18/06/2017 23:02

I guess because she'd make a grand soliloquy about how she needed the lot and about how much our tastes coincide, how much she appreciated me saving the stuff for so long, only then to discard the majority.

OP posts:

PinguForPresident · 18/06/2017 23:02

You haven't been charitable at all! If you'd have sold the stuff on eBay you'd have got considerably less (baby clothes sell for pence on there, even the BNWT stuff). Your prices were unrealistic: take it as a lesson for the future, only price at what you're happy to let something go for.

cherish123 · 18/06/2017 23:03

You say "charitable" but you weren't really - you were selling it. I would have just given it too her. In fact, I would have felt quite uncomfortable asking a friend for money for hand-me-downs. You have no use for it: you were given some items and others you bought ages ago. If you had given it to her, yes - she would have been cheeky but as you were charging her, I would say she had a right to choose the stuff she wanted.

Original poster

Sadderbutwisergirl · 18/06/2017 23:06

I will only say one final time that she was the one who insisted I charge. I DO feel uncomfortable about it, and I didn't choose to do it this way.

And again, as I have never sold second hand before, please excuse my ignorance re: pricing. She asked me on the spot to think of a price, so I did.

OP posts:

mayoli · 18/06/2017 23:08

What's the problem here exactly?
You gave her clothes that you were comfortable with her buying. She chose the ones she liked and paid for them. I'm really struggling to see the issue. If you didn't want her buying them then you should have just left them out. Should she have just taken the clothes she didn't want to be polite? What would be the point in that?

mumofthemonsters808 · 18/06/2017 23:09

Even if I was on my backside money wise, I would never expect payment from my Best Friend.

JayneAusten · 18/06/2017 23:11

What?? You weren't 'charitable' at all. She's hard up and begged you for baby clothes and you tried to flog her your second hand clothes at a vastly inflated price.

She was probably horrified but realised she'd have to take one box from you to save her dignity, so she sorted through so she could get some nice bits for her money.

JayneAusten · 18/06/2017 23:12

Of course she insisted on paying. It doesn't feel dignified to need charity handouts.

That's the point at which you - the best friend - absolutely refuse to take payment, or ask for payment in baby cuddles when the baby gets here. Or babysitting or something.

quizqueen · 18/06/2017 23:14

You should have sold the best stuff and given your best friend the rest.

Chloe84 · 18/06/2017 23:22

Not sure why OP is getting a hard time.

OP said she is working part time and planned to sell the clothes on eBay to supplement her income.

Friend was obviously not so hard up if she discarded all the babygros and only took the designer stuff for a song.

OP, I would not be doing this 'friend' any further favours.

Funnyfarmer · 18/06/2017 23:34

I've always been happy to receive free hand me downs. And I've always passed my stuff on free of charge. Even expensive or unused stuff.
About 10 years ago I was given a dress for my dd by a neighbour . It had belonged to her dd. I then passed it to my friend (original owners ex sil) for her dd. The dress went through 2 of friends dd's it was then passed back to me for my younger dd. I've just passed the dress on to another neighbour for her dd. 1 dress 5 owners.
Not even an expensive dress. It was from George! But it's bloody lasted well

5LiveSportsExtra · 18/06/2017 23:35

Did she realise you'd specifically arranged the contents of each box? She might have thought it was a tenner for a box worth of things rather than each specific box so she took the box worth that she wanted.

In future, if there is anything you know you'd like to get money for, keep it back and just eBay it then there's no ambiguity.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 18/06/2017 23:39

You charged her a tenner a box that's tight! You should have just given it to her she would have kept it then, she picked out the best bits and got her tenners worth fair play!

aquashiv · 18/06/2017 23:43

Gosh good for her. I wouldn't charge a friend for giving clothes.

dottingcrazy · 18/06/2017 23:52

5LiveSportsExtra · 18/06/2017 23:59

If you couldn't afford to give clothes away and a friend indicated she wanted to buy some, why would you not charge? Yes, give away if you can afford it (I could and did) but there is nothing wrong in principle with selling to a friend.

I'd feel terrible if a friend I knew was skint gave me clothes that I knew otherwise she'd be selling - I'd insist on giving her money.

MuffinMaiden · 19/06/2017 00:36

I think the price is neither here nor there, it would feel pretty offensive to me if I offered a bunch of stuff and then they take all the best bits in a "these may have been fine for you but not for my precious baby" way. If you'd offered that to me I'd have haggled the price down from £30, but not expected that I could cram all the clearly unused stuff in one box and get it for £10!

Shadow666 · 19/06/2017 01:54

There's obviously been some kind of miscommunication here. If you aren't bothered about the money then let her have the clothes she wanted for a tenner and sell the last 2 boxes where you are as you said a tenner was cheap.

Could you not have taken the clothes with tags back to the shop?

I have loads of kids clothes including some I was going to eBay but I never got round to it so just passed them to a friend. Ebaying stuff is a hassle.

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