AIBU to delay telling a potential partner I have genital herpes?

[FelicityMarbles]

I am divorced, children grown up. I have had genital herpes for about 25 years. Flare-ups occur less often now, last one was about 18 months ago, though I know I can be infectious even when I don't have a flare-up. I have met a man who is keen, as I am on him, although I've only been seeing him a couple of weeks. We have not yet had sex. My question is ... when is the right time to tell him about the herpes? Obviously before we have sex, but do I tell him now and risk him doing a runner, or wait til there is more emotional involvement? I should add that I was married for 14 years and my husband never caught it. What do you all think?

Tell before you have sex. Give him the choice.

He could always do a runner when you tell him even if you wait a longer while. I would tell him sooner rather than later because I think it's more fair on him (ie not being tricked into caring about you more first in the hope it sways him) and less painful for you (it could hurt more if he runs when there's more emotions involved).

barry she already stated quite clearly that she would tell him before they have sex.

Tell him as soon as you can. If he cares for you, he'll stay with you and offer you support, not dump you. If he does a runner, you've dodged a bullet. Simples.

barry she already stated quite clearly that she would tell him before they have sex
So what is she waiting for?

I'd tell him sooner rather than later as if he does decide he doesn't want to continue the relationship it is better to do it before you develop real.feeling for him.

My advice is to tell him now, and not as a big "I am telling you my dread secret" - its nothing to be ashamed of. Be casual about it, but go armed with facts - because the facts, especially about prevalence, really calm the initial STI panic the word provokes.

LOADS of people have the herpes virus, most people have no idea because its woefully misunderstood (cf people who don't realise that if they get cold sores then - hello! - you have herpes). It is a very contagious but easily managed condition; because it is vaguely associated with sex (can be transmitted by sex, not necessarily by any means) people act like it's something terrible and shameful, when in fact it is a very very common, largely manageable condition which most of the time you can probably forget all about.

Please don't worry - you aren't defective, anyone who would walk away even at this stage over this isn't really worth having.

Thank you lelapaletute, and the rest of you who said I should tell him sooner rather than later. I'll talk to him this week, suggest he does his own research about it (I'm sure he would anyway) and maybe say he should talk to his doc if he's not sure of the implications, or wants to find out more.