To insist that DD orders the Indian take away?

[IndianNC]

DD is a bit shy and goes off to uni in September. We are having Indian tonight (just me and her) so just a couple of things to order. WIBU to insist she calls and orders it?

This is really weird. You seem concerned about your daughter's shyness, so you've decided it needs "fixing" before she goes off to uni. And your solution is to make her call up and order a takeaway?
I can see that a long process of encouraging and supporting children to become more confident in these situations (booking appointments, dealing with companies over the phone, etc) is an important part of growing up. But suddenly deciding to make her order a takeaway in order to prepare her for uni life seems like weird tokenism, and more to reassure you that you've "tried to help" than actually helping her.

My DDs Dr/therapist advises exactly these kind of very small, controlled, steps to overcoming her crippling clinical anxiety. She tries to do one small thing, once a day, like ordering in a shop e.g., and it helps if we are there in the background whilst she's doing it but she always, always feels good after she's managed it. Obviously everyone suffering anxiety is different, and of course I'm not a Dr., but it is a recognised strategy. Of course forcing her to do it, and saying she won't get the Indian if she doesn't do it is NOT the way to go. We handle stuff like this by having a conversation about it first that usually revolves around 'what's the worst that can happen?' DD usually wants to do these small things but doesn't always manage to follow,it through. She knows that when she does, we'll all be giving her the proverbial pat on the back but that if she doesn't manage it no one is going to castigate her. So don't 'Insist' but discuss and encourage. If she manages to order it on the phone she might feel bolstered enough to answer the door too. If she can't co any of it, order the takeaway and have a lovely evening together and try again next time.

If you insist she'll resent you for it. I was naturally very shy and anxious before going to uni and I slowly overcame it in my own time. My mother would pull stunts like this to try and build my confidence and it had the total opposite effect, to the detriment of our relationship.

I wouldn't. She might come out of her shell when she is at Uni. She also might not 🤷🏻‍♀️ If she wants to work on her shyness then it should be her decision not yours.

YANBU. My DS is similar and I would do this.

I mentioned it to her and she's going to give it a go but I won't insist if she changes her mind. Thank you

Bit late trying to do these things isn't it?

How will she manage at uni do you think? Sounds like she's crippled with anxiety for some reason? Would counselling be better for her? CBT is particularly good for that.

I remember being petrified of having to make my first announcement over a tannoy. I was terrified I'd sound thick. A colleague told me to pitch my voice slightly higher than normal speaking and it worked for me. Nobody laughed at me certainly!

I feel for her but I would worry about what opportunities she may miss out on at uni with this crippling anxiety.

I hope she manages. Give her the comfort blanket that she can hand the phone to you if she gets too stressed. Maybe also go through scenarios that she may not understand their accent and asking them 'could you repeat that please?'. I've also found some foreign accents are difficult to understand but they tend to understand me more than I understand them.

Update us if she manages it. Best of luck both. x

If her comfort zone doesn't extend as far as using the telephone to make an appointment or place an order, do you genuinely think she will be able to cope with university in three months? Does she have a job or do any volunteering? What are her plans for the summer?

I just think it might help her a little bit before she goes.*

Ordering a take away which will take 3 minutes?

Op,
Well done for suggesting it. I had a University age child who was the same and it was small steps like this that helped. I was a bit when I discovered that they had a 'thing' about using the phone but I had to get over my own sense of disbelief and help tackle it.
It's great that she's got you - and for what it's worth my adult child now has NO problems in making calls. Persist, talk and be supportive and she'll get there.

The more you insist, the bigger a problem you make it. (And I'm speaking from experience). Just leave her be. She'll sort herself out at university.
And if you insist then you may go hungry tonight.

DH is 37 and will not phone for takeaway orders. It has not held him back in life.

How on earth will she manage away from home if she can't even speak on the phone? Arranging accommodation? Meeting new people? Phoning for a takeaway sounds like too little and too late. How does she feel about going to college?

Using the telephone can be very difficult for some of those on spectrim and I'm not saying your daughters shyness puts her on the spectrum but if approach this with sensitivity.

When I go through nervy stages I write down what I'm going to say and read off it [when phoning a stranger]

I'm 49 and still have anxiety on the phone.

*write down beforehand, of course.

OP, I work with a lot of young people who volunteer and do work experience. Most of them are terrified of using the phone and think they're the only one. They're nearly all at or have graduated university, so I don't think it's an indication of anything other than being nervous about using the phone in most cases.

I'm very gentle with them but it only takes a couple of days and they're away like they never had a problem.

I'm sure university will give her the opportunity to be more independent. I was the only one in my year who was used to doing a lot of everyday looking after yourself stuff when we arrived, and all my year survived and learned how to cook, change a lightbulb and pay their bills.

My brother, not on the autistic spectrum, didn't like making phone calls. He did have a noticeable stutter. However, when he didn't get the grades for uni, he shut himself away with the phone and didn't come out until he'd secured a place through clearing. It all depends how motivated a person is.
Personally I'd play caller eats free, as in, you're only paying if she makes the call, but it does depend on the daughter and her temperament. I'd want to keep her in good spirits, not start a row.

I hate ringing our Indian takeaway and I used to do phone customer service. It's loud so they can't hear me, their native Language isn't English, I have a strong Yorkshire accent and we end up with either the wrong order or wrong address!

My best pal at Uni - studied Medicine, could not cope with ordering a takeaway over the phone - is a consultant now and still can't. It does not reflect anything other than lack of practice in many people, hence us encouraging our kids to do it even when they really didn't want to!

Why don't you have the conversation about which aspects of independence she is likely to struggle with when she goes to uni and make a plan for how she can manage/ overcome it before she goes? For instance holding a phone conversation, talking to strangers, using public transport, going to the doctors alone, shopping, using a washing machine, cooking, budgeting, whatever it might be. You still have time for a crash course in independent living skills!

I had a dreadful fear of using the phone to strangers (and even distant members of my own family) when I was young. Completely over it now, and I managed fine at University.

Please people don't criticise the OP's parenting skills. She's doing just fine, and didn't ask for your opinion on that.

Don't push it. I was a weedy, useless thing when I was living with my parents because I'd had a lifetime of them doing everything for me. Going away to uni freed me from that and I learnt to order take-away, negotiate with estate agents and talk to strangers.

She will be fine.

Don't make her uncomfortable before she goes away.

All seems too little too late.
Support her make the steps that SHE wants to do. Gentle encouragement is ok, forcing or insisting is not.