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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"she's old enough to understand"

50 replies

eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 18/06/2017 16:42

31 month old with an understanding of a 18-20 month old. waiting dor final assessment for ASD very likely to be diagnosed.

So many people say 'shes old enough to understand' or 'shes old enough to know better' when I know full well she is. Just because she is old enough to understand it doesnt mean she does, she has poor understanding. Its not her being naughty and its not being uselss or making excuses. she doesnt bloody understand so yes I will treat her like an 18 month old even if to you that means Im babying her.

sorry needed to get that off my chest.

OP posts:

Redredredrose · 20/06/2017 15:30

Have they offered parenting classes?

Queenofthestress · 21/06/2017 00:50

I can't really help on that one user, D'S has been the way he is since birth, but one thing I unashamedly did was sit in the GPS office and bawl my eyes out begging for a referral when he was 10 months

Bananasinpyjamas4 · 21/06/2017 00:57

Anyone saying that has no idea - don't let anyone deter you from doing what you know is right. I've had lots of people try and 'advise' 'tell me' 'comment' - they had no idea and my child did have very limited understanding.

Even though he didn't look it. Couldn't understand most speech at age 3. Now nearly 5 he understands a lot but still no concept of danger and no conversation.

It can get better. But it really helped my child to have me, as a parent, know exactly where he was at. Get your child as many good assessment and tests as you can, then respond to him at his level, whatever age that is developmentally, and he'll be more able then to learn from you. I spent months speaking in one, two word sentences at most to my child to help him. I don't care what anyone else thought. I was on his level.

TooGood2BeFalse · 21/06/2017 05:07

Great advice Bananas. My DS wasn't saying a word at 2.5 years. Not a mum,mama, doggy,up - nothing. In the end I broke it down the exact same way as you did, using 1-2 words to talk to him. The other thing that helped was finding something that interested him. So instead of begging encouraging him to say Mummy, I talked non-stop about numbers, which I noticed he'd always been fascinated by. He started to pay a bit more attention. Within a week of this, he said his first words in the same day 'one' and 'two'. 10 days later he was counting up to 20.Then we moved on to other 'categories' if you will, colours, shapes and umm vegetables (I believe he said carrot before Mummy) and then it was just like floodgates opened. Not only could he now communicate, but he wanted to. It was just awesome. He's 5 now and still delayed in terms of expressive language but can manage 10 word sentences and his understand is great.

SofiaAmes · 21/06/2017 05:12

I had this in a weird opposite sort of way. My dd was big for her age and speaking in full understandable sentences by 12 months. She didn't walk until 19 months. I got so many frowns about my "3 year old" in a stroller when actually she was a 12-19 months old who didn't walk. I am so done with people expecting the "norm" out of children. Every child has their own norm and it's perfectly reasonable to do things at a different pace than everyone else.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2017 05:36

You will always get people telling you what is and isn't normal even with a child, who is developing normally. My dd is tall for her age and others expected her to act older when she was only really little. Try to ignore people as much as possible. You are doing your best for your child. Thank them for their comment and continue to parent your child in the most appropriate way.

MrsOverTheRoad · 21/06/2017 05:59

[cake[

MrsOverTheRoad · 21/06/2017 06:00

Can't have my cake emoji go wrong! And I wanted you to have a nice bit of cake along with your tea and flowers...for OP and all of those people having to put up with ignorance around children with additional needs.

Original poster

eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 21/06/2017 08:21

my health visitor picked up the signs during a check up of the new baby, plus she has a very obvious stim.

she can understand things better by watching but verbally her understanding is awful and one of the first things the speech and language lady said was dd is very good at guessing and she knows roytines well so will often hear a word and do what she knows rather than follow an instruction.

even the other day i said 'mummy is such a spoon' and she went and got me a spoon because she heard spoon and assumed that was what i was asking

OP posts:

Queenofthestress · 21/06/2017 09:27

With DS we have songs for everything, he struggles with more than 2 word instructions but if you sing something with actions he knows what were doing to a degree
They're funny little souls as my mother says haha

RhiWrites · 21/06/2017 10:28

I do find these child ages in months really hard to understand. Do you say this to your friends and relations? "She's 31 months with the understanding of an 18 month old?"

If so, could you try saying instead, "I know she's two and a half but with her delays she's more like one and a half." That might make people more receptive. Using months does sound a bit like you are still treating her as a baby.

Spikeyball · 21/06/2017 11:13

When a child has delays people often use months rather than years because it makes it more accurate. It is not about babying. It is what professionals do.

Bananasinpyjamas4 · 21/06/2017 11:51

Toogood that is such a lovely story to hear - really pleased how it's working out for you and your child. I did this too, picked up on what my child liked / wanted and started from there. My child seemed to hate any pressure so me being 'enthusiastic' was the worst thing - I had to learn to give him lots of space and just enter 'his world' and respond to that.

OP - I find I try and be patient with people around my child - if they are trying to be nice I don't automatically tell them not to, but might suggest something different - e.g. 'He likes funny faces' if an aunt wants to interact. Unless they are trying to intervene then I say 'He doesn't understand what your are saying to him' - like when someone got cross and tried to get him to pick up crayons he had dropped - and closely followed by 'I'll deal with it' and a hard stare!

Bananasinpyjamas4 · 21/06/2017 11:57

P.s. OP if you slow her world down for her - she'll be more able to learn. I give my son 'the words' if he's doing an action - so if she got a 'spoon' I'd be pleased and say 'Get spoon!' - because that is the action she's doing. Forget grammar.

Verbs come next from nouns - have you tried bouncing on a trampoline and saying 'jump!' And including one word verbs in whatever you are doing e.g. Walking 'Walk' - dancing 'dance!' - it feels a bit weird at first but my son learned all his verbs that way.

Bizzysocks · 21/06/2017 12:00

op if it is people you see regularly tell them she has a developmental delay so what you are doing is best for her. state it as a fact and not up for discussion.

red I was told when mine had speach therapy to use sentences one or 2 word more than they can use as a long sentence would be too much for them to comprehend. so "Nana" then "nana's house" then "James Nana's House" "James go to Nana's house " "James like to go to Nana's house" "would James like to go to Nana's house" "would James like to go to Nana's house later?" increasing the length of sentences over weeks/months as his compression increases.

MrsOverTheRoad · 21/06/2017 12:24

Rhi what?? You're seriously picking on the OP's choice of how to tell us her child's age??

Really?

Like that MATTERS? She's obviously having a hard time! And when people are dealing with a child with developmental issues, months become very important.

It's habit!

FFS.

x2boys · 21/06/2017 12:35

i hear you i have a seven yr old who has autism and learniing disabillities and the understanding of maybe a three yr old ,op i dint know if you are on facebook but if you are there is a page called 'my child has global development delay' which you may find helpful?

Lofari · 21/06/2017 12:36

Watching this with interest. My DS is 2 next week and doesn't say a single word. We're waiting for a hearing test as he's had multiple ear infections this last year but we've just been referred to speech therapy too.
I get it......my son is very big for his age so I get a lot of funny looks when he opens his mouth and squeals or babbles.
I find it's getting me quite down.

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 21/06/2017 12:38

I would just ignore if I were you. Unless it's coming from people you spend a lot of time with, then I would sit them down and explain that, yes, she might be old enough to understand but actually, she doesn't understand and that's just how it is and making these comments are actually quite upsetting for you.

My DD is 21 months and honestly, I don't know how much understanding she has at all. She has lots of mobility issues and has never uttered a word or even babbled. We have been 'in the system' for just over a year now and in all honesty, we are no further forward with why she is the way she is. She is now however, at an age (and size) where people are beginning to comment and I do find it hard knowing what to say other than she has delays and the standard response is 'she will soon catch up' which I know is well meaning but makes me want to smack them in the face (I don't obviously, I usually just say yes, hopefully!)

So you baby her away - I know I will with mine for a long time to come

Queenofthestress · 21/06/2017 13:01

My mum gave me the sage advice of forget that he's 3.5, think of him as 2, do everything you would with a 2 year old and completely forget what his physical age is because his body is irrelevant to his understanding and skill set

@Bizzysocks, we're at the two word stage, just wondering how you knew when it was time to go up to the three word stage as DS is still a bit hit and miss with it but is getting it more lately and I'm a bit stuck on whether to move up a stage

RhiWrites · 21/06/2017 13:54

MrsOver, I'm offering a point of view as to why her friends and relations may be saying her DD is "old enough".

MrsOverTheRoad · 21/06/2017 13:57

I'm sure OP has quite enough on her plate without worrying what other people think about her way of describing her child's age. All it takes is a little empathy and imagination to understand her ways.

Bananasinpyjamas4 · 22/06/2017 11:13

Queen I think that we can add one more word to whatever our child says - so if they say 'red car' we might say 'look red car'. And for their understanding - two word instructions for ages until they really feel confident e.g. 'Give me'. For me it took a long time in each stage - I kept thinking he was ready for two word phrases, then three word ones but he needed a lot of time just saying them or understanding them and then the next stage came along suddenly!

Queenofthestress · 22/06/2017 14:50

Right, I'm going to try it had bit of an issue at school today so probably see how he goes, we're currently doing 'looking,looking, DS look' as a way to get eye contact, he thinks it's hilarious because I go boss eyed haha

Queenofthestress · 22/06/2017 14:51

I do it whilst tapping my nose

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