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AIBU?

Why did i marry a narcissist? What is wrong with me?

16 replies

ferriswheel · 17/06/2017 12:45

I am very sad and frustrated because my stbxh is dragging his heels with all things divorce related. He is very controlling and continues to try and manipulate me with his carefully organised lies.

I'm a mess just now. But mostly I don't understand how I could have married someone so horrible and what that says about me?

Has anyone worked through this and made any sense of it?

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 17/06/2017 12:47
  1. They dont reveal themselves early on.
  2. They tell you they love you, and you believe love means not treating people like shit, because you are a decent person and assume they will be as well.
  3. If you put a frog in a pan of cold water and gradually raise the temperature, it will allow itself to be boiled. You are not a frog.
Dawndonnaagain · 17/06/2017 12:48

Mine is doing the same and is the same. I have no idea. I guess we are just pleasant trusting people who have no cause to disbelieve what we're told. It's scary. He's been gone for months now and I'm still scared, not so much physically, but mentally, yes, very scared.
Hope things improve for you soon. Sorry not to add anything positive but wanted you to know you're not the only one. Flowers

ferriswheel · 18/06/2017 10:16

Thank you Dawn and Baggy.

Yeah, the mental scarring is the worst. Dawn, have you ever worked out why he behaved so badly? What kind of stuff did you experience?

OP posts:
Dawndonnaagain · 18/06/2017 17:53

Hope you're feeling better today, ferris. Will pm you. Flowers

Dawndonnaagain · 18/06/2017 17:56

I have heard via the grapevine what he is saying about me. Interestingly, it's everything he told me about his ex...

jayho · 18/06/2017 17:59

DJ has it. I did the same as you Dawn, spent ages beating myself up but there's no point. They're cunning fuckers.

ferriswheel · 18/06/2017 19:27

But why though? Thats what I don't get. Why would he be so mean and enjoy it?

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 18/06/2017 19:36

How was your childhood? How was your parents marriage? do you have a good relationship with siblings? Do you generally allow yourself happiness and do you have high standards in how people are allowed to treat you?

Dawndonnaagain · 18/06/2017 19:42

Calvin, you have a good point. My mother is a narcissist, I realised a few years ago that rather than avoiding her, I'd married her!

OoglyBooglyBoo · 18/06/2017 19:56

Hi ferris

I think these men target a certain type of person. It's happened to me numerous times. I had an abusive childhood and I think its kind of obvious to them that I was vulnerable. And not aware fully of what a normal relationship looked like.

Also a lot of these men target strong women, they enjoy breaking them down.

Please try not to waste time and energy trying to figure your ex out. You will never find an answer. And DO NOT blame yourself.

As you know from my thread, I am trying to find a way to stop myself from thinking ALL men are abusers...if anyone here can help with that, I'm all ears!

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/06/2017 22:21

I'm always recommending this, but 'why does he do that' may be a useful book for you to read. It helped me realise some of the more subtle abuse tactics. Am now happily settled with a decent partner

ClopySow · 18/06/2017 23:10

They're very, very good at what they do. I'm 14 year seperated and just again this week shocked and gutted at the depths of fuckery he can go to.

Dawndonnaagain · 19/06/2017 09:24

'Why does he do that' is indeed helpful.
I have PTSD due to what's been done to me. I do try to keep working things out in my head, usually where I went wrong, which signs I missed, where and when I started backing down, quietening down, doing things for the sake of peace, doing things to hang on to him etc. Doctor keeps telling me to stop applying logic to the illogical, it can't be done! I put in over 20 years. It's very hard to see anything clearly after that length of time, although I'm assured that I will!

OnTheRise · 19/06/2017 10:22

'I have PTSD due to what's been done to me. I do try to keep working things out in my head, usually where I went wrong, which signs I missed, where and when I started backing down, quietening down, doing things for the sake of peace, doing things to hang on to him etc. Doctor keeps telling me to stop applying logic to the illogical, it can't be done! I put in over 20 years. It's very hard to see anything clearly after that length of time, although I'm assured that I will!

Going over and over it in your head like that isn't helpful. It makes you feel worse in the long run! As your GP has said, reasons are for reasonable people. If you are struggling to not do this, speak to your GP and ask for some CBT: it can be really helpful under these circumstances.

Dawndonnaagain · 19/06/2017 10:25

Ontherise, thank you. I am on the list for trauma therapy via our local refuge.

OoglyBooglyBoo · 19/06/2017 10:48

Yes, Why Does He Do That is a brilliant book, I have read it twice and should read it again.

I also think I may be suffering PTSD dating back to childhood.

Sorry to hear of all the awful abuse stories on this thread and how they have impacted negatively on your lives

OP I hope you are OK Flowers

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