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AIBU?

To think this was completely insensitive?

87 replies

WhatToDoNow17 · 16/06/2017 19:18

I'll try and keep this from turning into an epic rant, although that is what I feel like doing. I split from my children's father around 7 years ago, when my daughter was 6 months old. She is 7 and we also have a 9 year old son. Contact for almost all of the time since then has been sporadic, only when he felt like seeing them and even then it often seemed like a chore for him. There has been little in the way of financial support from him, and I've not had a penny from him for at least a year.

A couple of years ago he met a woman and they have subsequently had a child together. During the early days of their relationship we seemed to be building a better relationship, he saw the children and we occasionally all spent time together. I liked the woman and built up what I would class as a friendship with her. Her children from a previous relationship are the same age as my two and attend the same primary school, although in different classes.

Long story short, the friendship we all formed broke down quite quickly, he reverted back to his old ways and contact became less and less, he always had excuses for why he couldn't see his children or needed me to pick them up early. This has now led to him not seeing them properly for around 9 months. There were no Christmas or birthday presents, despite me contacting him and asking if he wanted to see them, first over Christmas and then again around 3 months ago.

This has been extremely difficult for both of my children but especially my daughter. They have to see him at school picking up his partners children! It's heartbreaking to hear my daughter ask over and over again when she'll see her Dad, and I simply don't know what to tell her. I did contact his partner (I didn't have his contact details as he had a new number) to tell her that I thought it was inappropriate for him to be at the school and even confronted him about it face to face on one occasion but all he had to say was that I needed to call him. I then found out that before I had got there he had spoken to both of my children and told them to tell me to call him. This is clearly his way of making my children think that I'm the bad guy who's stopping him from seeing them, which is completely untrue.
My Mum recently offered to contact him to try to arrange contact between them with her as a mediator of sorts, taking the children to a park for example and letting him spend an hour with them. The phone number his partner provided me with continually goes straight to voicemail and texts have been unanswered. I don't know where they live as they've recently moved. This has been over the past couple of days.

Today my son had a father's day performance at school along with the rest of the year group. At my son's request, my two brothers came along to the performance this afternoon and he was brilliant, he shared a memory about his uncle in front of everybody and looked happy and confident. I happened to turn around during the performance and his dad was there at the back of the hall with his partner. I had a feeling he'd show up, but obviously hoped he wouldn't. When his partner's daughter stood up to share her poem, I was stunned to hear her say 'my superhero is my step-dad', she then went on to say why he is her hero. Even my son's teacher looked shocked and turned to look at me almost apologetically. I just couldn't believe that I (and my son!!) were listening to this girl talk about how fantastic her step dad is when he has basically abandoned his own biological children. Am I unreasonable in thinking that somebody at some point during the planning of this performance should have realised that this was insensitive and could cause serious upset to my child?! The school are aware of the situation. She would have mentioned it to her Mum beforehand. Why was she allowed to do this?! Just to add, his partners children do have a relationship with their own Dad, he sees them every other weekend, so it isn't like she had no-one else to speak about. I'm so, so angry about the entire situation, and this today was the icing on top of a massive pile of shit. I'm seriously considering taking my children out of the school and moving away, I want to get as far away from him as possible.

What I'm asking is, am I overreacting to this father's day performance thing? I feel like speaking to the school about it, I just think that it shouldn't have been allowed to happen.

OP posts:
WhatToDoNow17 · 16/06/2017 19:18

Gosh that was long! Thank you to anyone who's ploughed through it all.

OP posts:
Siwdmae · 16/06/2017 19:22

I think he is a wanker to come and pick up his partner's dc knowing his own dc will see him. The teachers should not have allowed his partner's child to say that, knowing the situation. What if her actual dad had turned up?

goodnessidontknow · 16/06/2017 19:24

I don't​ have any words of advice I'm afraid but what a horrible situation for you and DC! Flowers

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 16/06/2017 19:26

If I was in your shoes I would indeed move their school. They must be quite anxious about going every day wondering if he will show /won't show /will speak /won't speak. It can't be good for their mh. . Or yours tbf.

kimlo · 16/06/2017 19:27

I would move them.

Squirmy65ghyg · 16/06/2017 19:27

That's insane. What a bunch of twats. Poor you. You're not over reacting. Never get in touch or try to facilitate contact. He's a twat.

Bluntness100 · 16/06/2017 19:27

I mean this kindly, but it's not the schools fault and you can't expect teachers to step in and tell his stepdaughter what she can't and cannot say and why she can't.

I understand how hurt you are. And how hurt your children must be, but you as adults and parents need to find a way through this. Do you have any idea why he and his new partner are doing this?

GreenTulips · 16/06/2017 19:28

That's truely horrible

Did 'dad' say anything?

Did the teacher apologize?

WhatToDoNow17 · 16/06/2017 19:29

Siwdmae Wanker doesn't do him justice, believe me. It's a horrible situation, and even after I have told him how much he is fucking my children up, he still turns up at the school. He's a narcissist without a doubt. I've never known anyone like him.

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 16/06/2017 19:29

Wow YANBU! I'd be fuming at the school and heartbroken for my children. This should not have been allowed to happen and it's one of the rare times I think a complaint to the school is definitely needed. Shocking display of insensitivity. Did your children see their dad stood there?!

It's great that your son got to do a bit about his fab uncle and that your brothers were there for him. What a great pair of uncles to have.

Our school don't even acknowledge father's day! I don't agree with that but I guess it is because of situations like this.

chitofftheshovel · 16/06/2017 19:30

Yanbu at all. What a shit excuse for a person he is.

I would certainly move far far away if I were you. In the long run your kids will understand what a shitbag he is, in the meantime you just have to protect their emotions as best as you can.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 16/06/2017 19:30

Oh and for the sake of their mental health, yes move them schools. Don't let them face this all the time. It must be awful for them.

MissionItsPossible · 16/06/2017 19:30

This is a horrible situation. Unfortunately I think it would have caused more of a scene to stop the step daughters speech that I presume she was innocently making and how she felt he was a great step dad to her and in her eyes a superhero. I know that may come across as insensitive from an outsider that doesn't have any involvement in this but I completely understand your POV and YANBU at all. Gosh, how frustrating Flowers

SaucyJack · 16/06/2017 19:31

That's awful :-( That's so, so shit.

Do complain to the school.

What a fucking prick your ex is. There are no words.

ohfourfoxache · 16/06/2017 19:34

Holy fuck, your poor dc Shock

Yes, definitely move. In fact I'd be tempted to move away completely and utterly.

SaucyJack · 16/06/2017 19:34

Have you asked them if they want to move schools? If they do, then absolutely do.

It might make things worse for them tho if they don't. First they lose their father, and then they lose their friends too.

ImperialBlether · 16/06/2017 19:34

I would take them out of that school. Your poor children. They must be devastated by his behaviour and what happened in school.

WhatToDoNow17 · 16/06/2017 19:38

I've been trying to resolve this without moving them because my son has some very close friendships that I'd hate to take him away from. That's why it hasn't happened yet, but obviously now I'm feeling like the upheaval they'd experience through moving schools would be a small price to pay to get the out of this situation.

bluntness I don't know why they're doing it. Like I say, I've told them how this is affecting my children and they continue to disregard everything I tell them.

GreenTulip he apparently tried to speak to my son afterwards (my brother's collected my son while I went to collect my daughter) but my son just ignored him. My daughter asked to go over to say hello and to give him a father's day card she had made when she saw him which I let her do. I didn't speak to him because I think I'd have swung for him had I got close enough. I didn't speak to the teacher either.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 16/06/2017 19:38

"unfortunately I think it would have caused more of a scene to stop the step daughters speech"

Mission the OP is not suggesting that the teacher vault up onto the stage shouting "STOP THE SHOW!!"

For god's sake. Obviously the OP feels the school should be monitoring the situation. It was a Father's Day presentation. The whole thing was totally avoidable. It wouldn't take much to manage these particular kids, get a feel for what their presentations were going to be, and head off any issues before they happened.

Were there rehearsals, OP?

takeaweeseat · 16/06/2017 19:39

I would move them if possible. Wtf is wrong with his head? I don't know if I would say anything to the teacher though, if teacher had stopped her mentioning him, no doubt exs partner would have put in a complaint.

I wouldn't be ringing him either to try to get him to see his children. I had all that carry on with my ex, every time he fucked off I'd try and facilitate contact but not any more, I think it does more damage to be in and out. My ex went awol 2 months ago(again) and he's not getting back into DCs life again. I've had years of mopping up the tears and telling her it's not her fault. I know he won't go to court, he doesn't want regular access.

TiredMumToTwo · 16/06/2017 19:41

I don't think it's the school's job to police this kind of thing but YANBU for being fucking livid, I would be. Move your kids to stop anything like this happening again.

user1497480444 · 16/06/2017 19:45

The teachers should not have allowed his partner's child to say that, knowing the situation.

sorry, but there is really really really absolutely no way we can keep track of the ins and outs of the relationships of our pupils parents....

WhatToDoNow17 · 16/06/2017 19:48

MyPatronus yes my son did see him. He glanced at him briefly then his attention was back on me and my brothers, he was so pleased to have us all there. I think he understands that his Dad is actually just a wanker.

Dead yes there were rehearsals. I don't know whether the other class teacher is aware of the situation, but my son's teacher certainly is.

OP posts:
WhatToDoNow17 · 16/06/2017 19:50

User, I genuinely don't expect the teachers to be aware of all of the ins and outs. However, this is quite a complex situation, and one I have discussed with my children's class teachers to ensure that they are aware of reasons for my children being upset in school etc.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 16/06/2017 19:51

user are you sure? I mean, if you knew that one of the kids in your class had SS involvement, for example, and needed a bit of extra sensitivity, would you be able to remember that? Or some mild additional needs? Or a recent bereavement that may affect their emotional state?

The OP states "Even my son's teacher looked shocked and turned to look at me almost apologetically" - it sounds as if they are aware and that the school are aware of the situation.

Is it really that difficult to be aware of? Not trying to be difficult, I know you have a mammoth job, but is this sort of thing not part of it?

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