Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Mean partner

18 replies

toria6118 · 15/06/2017 16:01

Hi all. I wouldnt normally grumble, but im reaching my shit taking limit. My partner was recently privately diagnosed with ms, now going through the process of nhs diagnosis. I have been with him for 17 years, we have two boys, one 8 who is autistic, and one not quite 2 who is a bag of energy and snuggly loveliness, he has two children from a previous relationship, and two grandchildren. Im trying so hard to be patient, sympathetic, understanding etc, i have taken on most of his responsibilities with regards to driving etc. I do all the cooking, cleaning etc. I have a hobby which is sewing clothing, just for myself and the children atm, but maybe start selling something in the future. But lately it just seems he is moaning at me for the slightest little thing, and when i defend myself he gets a bit nasty, starts swearing at me. He starts using the ms as an excuse to be a monumental dick, and i am frankly tired of walking on eggshells around him. He has time to be secretary of the fishing club, but that basically sucks any energy out of him. AIBU to pick up my kids, move out and leave him to rot? Or do i pull up my big girl pants, suck it up and get on with it.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 15/06/2017 16:15

Pull up your big girl pants and get rid of him.

DPotter · 15/06/2017 16:22

Alongside the progressive physical aspects of MS, there can be personality changes as well.
But that's no reason to lay down boundaries of acceptable behaviour. If he isn't willing to discuss the situation, I wouldn't blame you for up and leaving / kicking him out.
Have you made contact with support groups, either local or national?

Fluffyears · 15/06/2017 16:45

My father underwent a major personality shift with MS. He was vile to live with, contact MS society and see if you have any support nearby.

ThePants999 · 15/06/2017 17:18

Argh, this is a tricky one. I wouldn't say that you'd be unreasonable to leave. But you'd be a much better person if you stayed and gave him your support - he's going to need it. As Fluffy says, try to get some help for the both of you.

Fluffyears · 15/06/2017 17:40

My father raised his hand to my mother for the first time due to the personality change. To be fiat she just shoved him and his lack of balance meant he ended up on his arse. She told him if he ever tried it again she'd lay him flat. He seemed to forget he wasn't a big strong bloke anymore. In over 30 years he had NEVER raised his fist.

Electrolens · 15/06/2017 22:00

Gosh I feel for you OP - you are carrying a really heavy load at the moment.

MS is a significant illness and brings with it a lot of tiredness and lack of movement. It sounds as if your partner is struggling to cope - which is no excuse for taking it out on you. However there is a reason - this horrid disease.

Before deciding the future can you get some help? Can you contact MS society for some support and help? Talk to his consultant about support for families going through this?

Nicketynac · 15/06/2017 22:14

My friend's DH has a chronic illness (not MS) and she finds it difficult that he prioritises his social life over their family like - that is how she perceives it. He feels that he is trying to cling onto his old life as much as he can.
I think the time just after diagnosis was really difficult for them both as they didn't know what would happen and what adjustments were needed. I am not sure they have got the balance right yet.

PurpleDaisies · 15/06/2017 22:24

It's crap for both of you. I agree that staying secretary of the fishing club is most likely trying to hang on to what he was before the MS.

The way he's treating you obviously isn't right, but it is sort of understandable given his illness.

Meeting/talking with other people who have a spouse with MS might be a helpful source of support.

Original poster

toria6118 · 16/06/2017 10:27

Thanks everyone for your advice. I suffer with depression aswell, i am on meds for it, but i guess sometimes things get on top of me and i behave a little irrationally. I am trying to learn to breathe through it, and to pause before i speak. Some days are harder, especially when he is feeling particularly unwell. I shall look into support groups and forums for myself. Sometimes an opinion from outsiders is definitely needed to help gain perspective.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 16/06/2017 10:32

But you'd be a much better person if you stayed and gave him your support

I really don't this is fair.

Badbadtromance · 16/06/2017 11:22

I'd leave. Do you really want to be his nurse? Been there done that. You'll waste the best years of your life with a misery. Your kids deserve better

BangkokBlues · 16/06/2017 11:30

You aren't married.

You haven't made any 'in sickness and in health' promises.

I would leave. You didn't sign up to caring for someone who is horrible to you.

Chloe84 · 16/06/2017 11:41

But you'd be a much better person if you stayed and gave him your support - he's going to need it.

I don't think is fair either. I hate that it's usually the woman that's expected to sublimate her needs to her husband's.

OP, I say go with your instinct and leave. He has the time and energy to be decent at his fishing club, but not to his wife? Fuck that.

Pericombobulations · 16/06/2017 11:43

I was diagnosed with MS last year and it has altered my mood, my husband and I spoke to my MS nurse yesterday about how angry I am. I am angry at my health and how the world I thought I lived in isn't the world I now live in. I am constantly in pain and frustrated I now struggle to do the same things I did last year.

However my job I am clinging to as it's the only time I have where I don't permanently think about ms and can nearly be normal.

I worry about my husband leaving due to my anger but it's not something I can control at the moment.

It's nice to know that my husband didn't walk out on me like a lot of you are advising the OP and is trying to find a way to support me and my changing health

thereallochnessmonster · 16/06/2017 11:43

My aunt had MS and her personality competely changed - and not for the better.
I'm so sorry. Sounds very hard for you. Maybe contact the MS Society and see if they can help?

7461Mary18 · 16/06/2017 12:07

It must be very hard indeed for all of you.
I would have a word with him that this cannot go on. You and the children must come before fishing surely! Many of us full time working mothers and father drop all hobbies because we put our children and supporting them first. I cannot see how he can justify the fishing thing in the circumstances.

However do look at the legal and financial position. First of all has he made a will and does it leave any money he has to his 4 children equally or to you or whatever? Secondly does he have life insurance or a pension and are they in trust for you or the 4 children? Thirdly do you own a property and if so is it in joint names and as tenants in common or joint tenants?

(Do look at the Dr Wahl's diet/protocol by the way - not a cure but does seem to help some people including Dr Wahls )

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/06/2017 12:25

Do you think he wants you to leave? I have known someone with a chronic illness act like a monumental dick to his wife because he thought he was ruining her life and it was the only way he could get her to leave.

I think you both need some counselling.

Original poster

toria6118 · 16/06/2017 17:15

I think we both need to do a little soul searching. He has yet to see the ms nurse, they havent started any treatment for him yet. Kind of in limbo a bit with everything. Ive also had to forget having baby number 3, not fair on any of us with the way things are right now. I just am being pulled in so many directions. I love my partner very much, still think he is the sexiest man on the planet, but am finding this new personality hard to deal with. But we certainly do need to talk things through. And im going to be researching dietary changes, to see if i can help him feel a little better. And i suppose i have always resented the attention he gives the fishing over me. I do sometimes feel like a silly girl who blows things out of proportion. But also he needs to be made aware of how shitty he makes me feel sometimes.

OP posts:

Flip