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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be peeved by my DM's actions

22 replies

merrygoround51 · 15/06/2017 10:22

Sorry if this is a bit long but I really do need some perspective.
The backstory is my DM looks after my 2 children (7 and 9) 3 afternoons a week. She has done this since they were babies but obviously did 3 full days then.

As DM isn't flush, we pay her as we would a childminder so that works out about 9.50 an hour into her hand so about 150 per week for 3 afternoons.
In many ways it would be easier to have a childminder now the kids are getting older but I think it would be wrong to just discard because it suits us.

We have always paid DM for our and her holidays. So we would be off 5/6 full weeks over the year and then she has always taken a further 2 weeks off but in 2 separate weeks. We take the view that if we are being paid then she is being paid.
Last year my DH was made redundant and its been a really difficult time.He was quite senior, it was basically constructive dismissal and he has been looking since and finally got a role starting this week.. We are going to Italy for 2 weeks and I am now bringing DM for 1 week in my husbands place as he can only go for 1 week.

Obviously when DH was out of work this meant mum was out of her job (she is 65 and has state and small private pension, she also sometimes takes foreign students, we also gave her money here and there)

Anyway to the main AIBU, DM announces that she is going to Spain for 2 full weeks in October and i need to sort out childcare and I am really really annoyed as she said it would just be one week. DH wont have any days and I really cant understand why she couldn't just wait until the New year.

She spent 8 weeks there Oct/ Nov, will be in Italy for a week with me and my brother is bringing her to Prague for 3 nights.

AIBU to be so annoyed , I think I might be but cant really see the wood for the trees iyswim

OP posts:

elevenclips · 15/06/2017 10:25

Op I think that you need to calm down about this. One extra week for her in Spain is only 3 after school evenings that you need to get sorted. It's small fry really I think. Just get it sorted and forget it.

Original poster

merrygoround51 · 15/06/2017 10:27

Elevenclips I think you are right.

DM is being somewhat difficult at the moment and I think I am projecting a bit .

OP posts:

feathermucker · 15/06/2017 10:29

Really, really annoyed?! It's in October, which means you've got a long time to arrange alternative childcare. It's only 3 days to sort out. I'm sure it will be fine.

To be quite so annoyed.....YABU.

Original poster

merrygoround51 · 15/06/2017 10:46

Feather you are right, I think its just that things have been so fraught lately, I probably took it out on mum.

She hates being questioned so is now furious at me so we shall just have to let it cool down.

OP posts:

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 15/06/2017 11:12

Shocking,only 4 months notice!
Apologise to her.Is she not allowed to have holidays(which I do not find restful affairs)with family?Or time out.She retired and you allow her 7 weeks off!
You should be encouraging her to gallivant while she can and be grateful for the cheap childcare.

Original poster

merrygoround51 · 15/06/2017 11:29

Hothead - you are right but to clarify, DM wants to do the childcare (its also not cheap, we pay at a childminders rate)

OP posts:

Kidssendingmenuts · 15/06/2017 11:30

Regardless on whether it's your mother or a childminder, everyone is entitled to time off as and when they choose. Like previous posters said you have plenty of time to arrange other childcare for that week or even book it off yourself if possible. X

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 15/06/2017 11:55

Make it up with her,life is too short to fall out.

arbrighton · 15/06/2017 12:05

If she told you that she was away next week and dropped you in it, that might NBU

But 4 months is a lot of time to sort something out

Original poster

merrygoround51 · 15/06/2017 12:40

Thanks All. I made a call and apologised.

Thank you for the perspective - I think I actually reverted to Kevin the Teenager for a bit!

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 15/06/2017 13:11

Glad it's all sorted. £150 is a lot for three afternoons though (presumably only after-school till early evening?) so maybe this will be the start of gradually investigating other options and winding it down. Our afterschool club is only £11 per child per session, so she's getting a good deal, esp with all the holiday pay and now they're older and easier to look after. Not trying to cause problems when you've just sorted it out, but just frowning a touch at the logic of not changing the arrangements even though they don't suit you any more. That I could fully understand if she was looking after them for free or expenses only, but you are paying her above the going rate and of course you can change arrangements to suit you, esp when your own financial situation has changed. Most people do rethink their childcare arrangements as kids get older.

Original poster

merrygoround51 · 15/06/2017 14:34

Pink I absolutely would do this only DM needs the money, we have enough and its one way of looking after her. She won't take it otherwise

OP posts:

hellobonjour · 15/06/2017 14:37

£150 a week for 3 afternoons? £600 a month? Seriously?

Original poster

merrygoround51 · 15/06/2017 14:58

Hello I know. But I feel I have responsibility towards my mother financially (probably part of the issue)

OP posts:

Groupie123 · 15/06/2017 15:01

I pay 800/mth for two kids just for before/after school (4hours a day). So I say OP is getting a bargain.

Original poster

merrygoround51 · 15/06/2017 15:03

There is no before Groupie and its 3 rather than 5 days

OP posts:

JennyWoodentop · 15/06/2017 15:09

Childminder or after school club all the way.
So many threads on here about resentment and issues when family provide childcare, free or paid for.
You need reliable childcare and if she's not doing it cheaper than the going rate you will be no worse off financially.
She gets to be Granny, do the fun stuff without the responsibility or commitment, and can still babysit for you as and when if she wants.

hellobonjour · 15/06/2017 15:55

I'm honestly not sure that I could take £600 a month off my daughter for after school care.

OliviaBenson · 15/06/2017 16:24

I think the lines are blurred here between a family relationship and a business one.

You say she needs the money but she's off to Spain for 2 weeks?

Maybe it's time to rethink the whole arrangement as it doesn't seem to be working well.

Oldbutstillgotit · 15/06/2017 17:05

I know I am deviating slightly however I am surprised that your DM charges for looking after her grandchildren! I look after my DGS 2 days a week after school until 6.30 and also help out in school holidays ( 3 weeks this summer )and wouldn't dream of asking for or accepting payment from DD.

Allthebestnamesareused · 15/06/2017 18:28

Usually when you have a childminder though you pay them when you are on holiday but you don't pay them when they are on holiday - or at least that was what my contract was when I used childminders (so that you could pay for alternate childcare).

It is long enough in advance that you could take 2 half days (so one day off) and your DH one half day or ask a friend for a playdate favour!

Shinesun9 · 15/06/2017 18:48

Ignore me if I'm wrong but isn't there some sort of payment that grandparents can receive through hmrc for looking after their grandchildren on a regular basis? I think it goes towards their pension but if she's already retired then would receive it straightaway
Might be worth looking into because maybe then you could lower the amount you give her if that's subsidised by hmrc

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