Just need some perspective

[Pastbehindyouhmmmm30]

Hi, there's a massive back story but I'll keep it brief.
I'm 30 years old and have had no contact with my father since I was 17. His choice. Over the years I have contacted him 3 different times and have been rejected again and again.
For the most part I do not think of him, but occasionally he will pop into my mind.
My main gripe with him is that I never felt like I had enough time with him, felt like contact between visitation was not enough, I never felt like I was enough for him and never understood why.
My parents divorced when I was one he remarried and had 2 children (still with the woman)
I contacted him yesterday and asked if he would like to catch up (was expecting rejection but I need closure, for myself, this is an issue that has affected my life my relationships etc...) I decided that if he rejected me again that would be the end of it and in no circumstances would I see him or talk to him ( I need to move on in my head, it's not something that affects me much now but it is still there)
Anyway he agreed to meet (I'm in his area in a couple of months) but he wants to bring his wife. I said I would prefer it to b us but he said well we will see.
I just don't know, it feels like history repeating itself not being able to get any quality time with him. I agreed I would contact him again closer to the date to arrange a time etc...
I want to go and see him, I want to either attempt a relationship now as an adult, or just put it to bed, tell him I love him and walk away for good.
It's just the issue of him not willing to come alone, it's got me stuck.
For clarification I have never been violent toward him or made any threats to him for him to be worried about coming alone.

I'm going to be blunt; have you had counselling to work through your feelings towards him?
If you described this situation but replaced the word 'father' with 'school friend' how would it sound?

Be blunt, maybe I need a kick up the arse. I have had counselling but in my early 20's. Until recently I thought I was over it (or as over something like as can be) but last couple of months it's been bothering me.
Replacing father with school friend I would say move on, if they don't want you move on.
I actually feel ridiculous now, thinking of it like that. I feel like my father has never known who I am, he's only known the petulant teenager, and maybe we would get on now I'm an adult.

He's probably feeling guilty and wants his wife there for back-up (if he's anything like my dad anyway). He may just not want to meet up with you on his own the first time (wuss). I'd go but remember that you are under no obligation to him.

I tried a few years back getting in touch with my dad again (after 23 years) 2 years ago and I have seen him a couple of times, but it's like pulling teeth to get him to agree to meet up. I have given my dad my address and phone number but I have decided that if he wants to contact me, he will and I'm refusing to feel guilty for not constantly asking him to meet up.

Good luck though, it may be entirely different for you and your dad, it's worth a try, just don't feel like you owe him anything.

Have you considered the possibility that meeting with both of them might be less intense and actually make it easier for you to forge a relationship as adults rather than meeting just with your dad, trying to pick up from when you were a teenager? Perhaps rather than trying to fix things the first time you meet, go for a calmer more grown up meeting and don't go with great expectations of tears of joy or whatever, just a civilised getting to know you afternoon tea instead. Big girls pants time! Good luck

It's natural that a child who was rejected by a parent would grow up with a sense that they were somehow not good enough for that parent

But have you ever really sat down and thought about whether he is good enough for you?

Yea i feel like he may just want her there for back up, but if I can go on my own (don't want anyone there anyway) I don't understand why he can't?? It's going to be emotionally charged, but I'm not going to get upset, or shout or argue, tbh I just want to sit and have a chat. (I'm aware of how awkward it's going to be ) and just see.
I'm sorry it didn't work out with your dad though. It's a horrible thing to happen to a child and a parent. The fact that he wants to meet is a good thing. My expectations are not high, I don't want anything from him (materially) except maybe an hour on our own after so long.
Our lives have changed, we have both grown older, experiences will have changed us. I don't know I'm going in with my eyes open
Thank you though, I don't owe him anything. I do need to remember that.

Plainly I haven't thought of it like that actually, might need to invest in some big girl pants (haha). Thank you though it's another perspective to take on board.

Whateouldgenghisdo I totally get that, there had been times when I've thought he's not good enough for me but I think it gets clouded by the I'm not good enough for him thoughts that I don't pay it any attention.

Well as you point out, he is In no position to make any valid judgements about you as he has never taken the time to get to know you. So his rejection of you says nothing at all about you as a person and everything about him as a father.

I would suggest putting at least 80% of the energy you're giving to your relationship with him into building relationships with people who will value you and treat you properly (more )

Thank you, all of you. This has made me think more about the way I approach my relationship with him. (I will meet him) but am definelty going to think about all that has been said here.
Xxx thank you for the flowers too xxx