Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Marriage as an admin task

21 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 14/06/2017 12:22

At the risk of sounding utterly unromantic, I've been with DP 18 years and really for the sake of the kids it would be simpler if we were married.
I just feel very meh about it- I know lots of people getting married/ engaged in very romantic ways and I don't feel like that anymore. I see it more as an admin task

Aibu to think that this is either a sign of me not really wanting to marry my DP at all or that after all these years, it's common to feel this way?

OP posts:

sweetbitter · 14/06/2017 12:27

I think it's fine to want to do it for admin reasons only. Personally marriage doesn't mean much to me, and since I'm not religious, traditional, nor do I want a "wedding", the only benefits would be legal/admin wise. I don't think there's anything else I'd get out of being married to DP that isn't exactly the same as being in a committed, loving but non-married relationship.

Pickerel · 14/06/2017 12:30

Have you always felt this way about marriage? Or have you wanted to get married for romantic reasons in the past but it didn't happen?

Original poster

Happyhappyveggie · 14/06/2017 12:35

I don't really have views on marriage really - I come from a family that broke up/ divorced when I was young so that may have clouded my views.
I think I am worried that I don't feel how I should about my partner anymore to be that bothered about marrying him other than for legal reasons

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 14/06/2017 12:36

No, I think you're just being practical and sensible. Treat it as an admin task if that's how you (and your DP) see it. Book the register office and just go along. If more people had the wedding they actually wanted instead of feeling that it has to be some debt-inducing experience on a faraway beach, life would be better.

Pickerel · 14/06/2017 12:38

It sounds like you are 'meh' about marriage in general, not your partner in particular. I think you should go for it.

sweetbitter · 14/06/2017 12:40

Do you have any reasons to doubt your relationship other than not feeling excited or romantic about getting married?

FloofyCat · 14/06/2017 12:41

I thought a bit like this prior to getting married ("it's only a piece of paper" "doesn't change your relationship" etc etc). My main reason for getting married was solely to secure legal rights eg next of kin, pensions, will issues etc. All of which you can pay a solicitor to do, of course, but would probably cost more than a marriage ceremony!

If you don't have any legal protection already in place, have a good happy relationship where you both love each other, getting married does confer you legal rights that you need, whether we may agree with this or not. How is your relationship generally?

Interestingly, I have surprised myself by actually loving being married (and we only had a small ceremony, I kept my name etc). There was something very moving about the ceremony and the commitment being made. I still don't feel old enough to be married though (am over 40!) and still feel a bit funny having a husband even though it's been over 20 years

The key thing is how your relationship is generally and how protected you already are re legal issues.

JennyGreenteeth · 14/06/2017 12:43

I love my DH and couldn't be without him but I always saw getting married as an essential admin task to ensure our relationship was recognised legally. We had a tiny wedding in a registry office and I'm happy we didn't have too much fuss. If we could have filled in an online form to be married instead I would have done that!

FloofyCat · 14/06/2017 12:43

Oh and when I rule the world, all wedding ceremonies would be in a solicitor's office, exactly the same as an appointment to make a will or something. Just a legal task. No seating plans or hen nights or stag dos or bridesmaid dresses...Just two people, one more legal person and a piece of paper (or a computer these days )

Although MN would miss a lot of entertaining threads with wedding behaviour...

FloofyCat · 14/06/2017 12:44

Oh, and possibly short term marriage contracts with the possibility to renew if both parties want to

specialsubject · 14/06/2017 12:45

Admin task here , it was so long ago that it paid for itself in tax allowance. Made no difference to relationship. So far so good...

I would also have done it with a form if it was possible.

time4chocolate · 14/06/2017 13:06

Definitely for me a not yet completed admin task - 25 years together , 2 DC, 2 house moves and various pets along the way. Parents still married (golden wedding anniversary this year) and my siblings all have happy marriages. I can't put my finger on why but I am very meh about the whole thing. However, I must say it is working it's way to the top of the list as neither of us are getting any younger.

Yes, to wishing there was just a form to fill in from the post office.

FfionFlorist · 14/06/2017 15:20

Completely understand your point of view. We were the same after 21 yrs together.
When we did eventually get married it didn't feel like a wedding, our 3 dc were our only guests, we did it in the registrar's office while we were on holiday in Devon, but equally it certainly felt more than admin, can't explain why. More like an important legal document.

MagentaRocks · 14/06/2017 15:24

I'm happily married. We got married abroad - no guests. In hindsight I probable would have preferred a quick trip to the registry office to just sign some paperwork. I never wanted a wedding. I did want to be married though.

FloralTribute · 14/06/2017 15:28

I don't think it suggests anything at all about the depth of your feeling for your partner. I never wanted to get married, despite being very much in love with my longtime partner. In the end we had to get married for a sudden practical reason, after 20 years together, and it was definitely just an admin task book appointment for giving notice, check for cancellations at any reasonably local registry office etc. DP did it all, and I was particularly busy at work I just showed up on the day. No guests, no flowers, no rings etc -- but it was in fact unexpectedly romantic, and we had a wonderful high-end lunch with our two witnesses.

What I think is a real problem, judging by Mn, is women who drift into cohabiting and having children with someone, but who, despite this, are desperate for some pseudo-romantic proposal that belongs (a) the past and (b) a very different stage in the relationship, when that horse has bolted.

velourvoyageur · 14/06/2017 16:09

I have never wanted a wedding or to get married, even though I've had experience but positive models of marriage (my parents still in love, both Christians, very little divorce in wider family etc). I'm early 20s and know however that there'll probably come a point in my life where it would be stupid not to take advantage of the legal benefits it could provide (depending on the situation), but I won't be doing it because I want to 'celebrate' my relationship, much like I wouldn't have any romantic notions about taking out insurance. In fact I would see marriage as insurance more than anything else.
It's not a decision I'll be taking lightly or without examining very closely exactly which benefits I would gain and weighing those up against the cost of a potential divorce.

OP I've never seen someone's willingness to get married as proof of their love for someone. It's often more complicated than that. So don't worry that your reluctance somehow means that you don't love your DP enough, if that's what you're getting at?

velourvoyageur · 14/06/2017 16:11

*even though I've had experience of positive models

arbrighton · 14/06/2017 16:12

It's the only reason my aunt and uncle got married, after 30+ years together (no kids to consider)

Making our finances/ wills easier was a tiny part of it for DH and me, and it did take us 10 years to get round to it.

NancyDonahue · 14/06/2017 16:33

Most people get married within 2/3 years (in my experience) so are still in the bliss of an early relationship, and the whole marriage/wedding thing is romantic and exciting.

Whatever anyone says - it wears off! It just does. Especially after dc's come along and life gets busy and monotonous. It doesn't mean the love isn't there anymore. It's just not as intense as it once was.

If you can't ever see yourself without him - get the piece of paper for legal reasons.

If you really have doubts then you have a lot to think about.

Original poster

Happyhappyveggie · 14/06/2017 16:40

Thanks everyone- it clarifies things for me! @nancydonahue I can't see myself without him but I also have doubts

OP posts:

TheDogAteMyGoatskinVellum · 14/06/2017 16:43

It's perfectly legitimate.

The facts are these:

Marriage has a range of legal and financial implications that being unmarried doesn't. They're quite different states, legally.

Some people want these, others do not.

Some people aren't fussed for marriage because they don't see the point in it/don't like the institution. Some people do like it and do want it.

People's feelings re point 2 don't necessarily have any bearing on people's feelings re point 3.

Given that you appear to want the legal side without taking much interest in the institution itself, regarding it as an admin issue is entirely logical. Think of it as something more simple, cheap and easy than instructing a solicitor to help you get some but not all of the legal protections.

If this genuinely is making you think, actually, I'm not that bothered about him after all, then that is a sign that you shouldn't marry him. But not being enthusiastic about marriage doesn't mean you shouldn't be with someone.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread