Not to know where to begin? How do I leave DP?

[Everchanginggnome]

This may be long, apologies in advance! So after almost 4 years I have decided things are over between me and DP, I think deep down he feels the same way. I do love him and care for him, as I'm sure he does for me. But we are so so wrong for each other, our personalities clash and we have different ideas of how relationships should be.
A million arguments and really long sad conversations later (pretty much the same one every time- nothing changes) and I'm done. I need to leave and move on as I'm really really miserable with him. Trouble is we have a 16mo DS who we obviously both idolise. I don't want DS to grow up in an unhappy home hence why I want to do this now whilst he's still too young too understand.
We live together ATM and all of or bills and mortgage (I'm not named on it, he bought before we met) are completely split down the middle. We are currently not entitled to any benefits or tax credits at all, but I think I would be on my own. I only work part time for quite a low salary and I've no idea how I would afford rent and bills and food etc on my own. But what ideally I would like to do is rent a place for me and DS quite close by so that DP can have regular contact. DP is a brilliant Dad and I don't want to take his son from him, I know it would have to be a joint thing, I want to be amicable and sort this between ourselves. It absolutely kills me that I might not see DS everyday but I have to think what is best for him in the long run. He has just started to take note when he sees me cry and he gets upset and hugs me- it absolutely kills me, I don't want him growing up seeing his Mum crying all the time.
I also don't want to leave DP in the lurch with all of the bills etc. I just don't know what to do. I don't really have anywhere to stay in the meantime whilst looking for somewhere, not that is close enough for me to travel to and from work.
Where do I begin? I currently have nothing saved up for a deposit etc. I just don't know what to do. Staying together out of practicality seems silly and tbh is probably he reason why I haven't left before now.

Anyone?

"I'm not named on it, he bought before we met"
"I also don't want to leave DP in the lurch with all of the bills etc."

He expected to pay all the bills when he bought it, I'm sure he'll cope.

I think you and your partner need to talk about how you will separate. If you have been helping with the mortgage then to keep things civilised he should help you with a deposit for a private rental, tell him you want to stay close for the sake of your child, that may help win him over. If you work you will still be entitled to child support from him and possibly housing benefit if your job is low paid.
Try to keep things as civilised as possible, separating will never be easy, but you said you are mis matched but still love and care for each other. Maybe living apart will give you a chance to "date" and you'll get on better than you do living together.

You'll need to outlay quite a large sum for fees, deposit and rent in advance. Do you have thenough money? If not, is moving I with parents or family and option while you get yourself sorted emotionally and financially?

First thing is to find out exactly what help you'd be entitled to and how you'd be off financially. Can you approach your boss about the possibility of increasing shifts? Check out local rents and save up for a deposit plus emergency cushion. Purely on a practical level, if you can stay till say October aim for that. But also start working on the relationship - not romantically, but you're going into a parenting relationship and should focus on making sure that you are all still being as nice as possible to each other. Then once you have a financial cushion, and have found somewhere (but before signing any paperwork) talk to him. Tell him that you don't feel happy, that you feel living apart is what's needed. But that you have found somewhere nearby to make sure 50/50 parenting goes as smoothly as possible. Make sure he knows you want equal parenting.
But really get a cushion sorted first. That's putting your DC first by making sure you can take care of them.

Don't forget to assume the deposit is actually twice that advertised. A friend is currently moving into new accommodation and deposit is £500. Fees & Checks have already added on £450 to that.

nannyred thankyou. Yer I definitely do want to stay civilised and even do some family days out the three of us if he feels comfortable with that. I want DS to have parents who can put their problems aside for his benefit. Maybe we could date in future but ATM it's come to I the point where I need to stop waiting for things to change and realise they won't! Maybe a kick up the arse is what's needed but that's not my aim really ATM.
imissmyfeline no nothing saved up ATM, and my work would be more than willing for me to work full time but I don't have the childcare. That's another complications, DPs parents do the childcare 2 days a week at our home. justanothername yes I see your point it would be silly for me to try and do this right now with nothing saved. I'm going to start putting money away for myself to do this, it's just how to cope in the mean time, I feel very trapped. But knowing I'm aiming to change that (even if not right away) might help to kerb that feeling maybe. That's a good point about the hidden fees.

If you only work part time and are on a low income you can get housing benefit I think so not a huge amount to save for. Also you will get working tax credits and child tax credits I think. It may be part of universal credit now. You will also get help with child care costs. About 60 or 70 %. It all depends on how much you earn. Call CAB immediately and they will tell you They're very helpful.

Well talking to him about you increasing working hours and childcare options is a good place to start. Any childcare costs should be split - it's not just one person's responsibility. Working more will add to your pension, lead to better job prospects and if you currently put all your money into bills etc and he gets to have spare cash for savings, then that's going to make life harder - even if you wanted to stay together.

If you only work part time, on a low salary, I imagine to look after your child on the other days, why did you end up splitting all costs 50/50? Surely it should be more proportionate to income. That could help you save.

justanothername no that's not really how it works with us. We are both paid into a joint account, we also have a joint savings account that money is transferred into each month. All our joint direct debits are set up to our main joint account and we budget for food etc per month. We then transfer into our own accounts from our joint money that is relative to our own personal outgoings, mobile phonebills etc (he has more than me- so therefore transfers more). Our childcare is included in this so it is both of us who pay for it.
ATM in the role I'm in it would not be worth me going full time due to the tax, and the amount I'd pay out in childcare I'd be no better off. Plus, I like working part time ATM whilst DS is small, and if he was spending half the week with DP in future my days off with him would be even mor precious. That being said I do intend to return to full time work when he is around 3.