To think my parents are controlling

[Missshafinaa]

I love my parents very very much and we are close. I visit with my daughter regularly.

My issue is I feel that their whole happiness and life revolves around me. I have worked hard to get a good job and provide for my daughter. I love my job buy my parents always tell
Me how lonely they are without me and they miss my daughter. They're always in tears when we leave and it makes me feel awful.

I can't enjoy my life because I spend my days worrying about them being lonely and feel guilty that I'm not living near them.

I hate the area I grew up in as it's a little village and so boring. I love to visit for holidays but think I'd go mad if I lived there parmenently.

Growing up my parents were very strict. There were a lot of rules.
Do you think this sounds like my parents are controlling? Or am I just being really mean saying that?

I've told my parents I would love them to move nearer me but they refuse saying they are settled where they are.

I keep thinking of moving back but I'd be doing it for them not me.

I don't know what the answer is but I wish they would get a life outside of me.

Every time they phone me they're counting down the days I'm back there on holiday.

I visit 6 weeks a year. All my annual leave! They also have my daughter an additional 3 weeks a year during school holidays.

No, that's too much! It's sweet that they obviously love you but it's not a child's job to make their parents happy. Don't you want to holiday somewhere else ever? They need to accept you e got a life apart from them.

I've told my parents I would love them to move nearer me but they refuse saying they are settled where they are.

So you gave them a choice and they chose not to. You need to grow a thicker skin.

You are entitled to have the life you want. They have chosen the life they want, it is the height of selfishness to think you will choose the life they want too for their benefit.

I'm not sure why they would be lonely - they have each other.

Really you need to toughen up.

Does your daughter get to do any holiday stuff except visit them?

I like being there for the holidays.

They do have my brother but he's disabled and not the same company.

They've been carers their whole lives so have very isolated lives. They could make friends though.

I do feel their life revolves around me. They're good parents and are loving. I would absolutely love to live near them. But not in my hometown.

I wish they would move up but they won't. They don't even visit.

My daughter loves them. Always asks to visit them. In some ways my life would be better living near them but deep down I think I would feel bored.

My mum can be like this with me. I tend to just brush her off, or when she's really bad (crying when you leave would count as really bad) advise her to speak to her GP.

We actually don't have the best relationship so I find it quite fake and wearing that she 'misses me so much', since she's not all that nice when I'm around!

It sounds like you do get on with your parents so maybe just explain that you have your life and they have theirs, and unless they want to move closer to you they need to deal with that, because the guilt trips make you want to see them less rather than more?

Are your parents from the UK? If not, is there a cultural thing where they're from that families tend to live together?

It's not as simple as 'toughen up'. When you grow up with parents like this, you are well trained to put their needs first at all times and to doubt your own judgement. It's confusing and overwhelming.

OP, you are clearly struggling to trust your own judgement and are being nagged by doubts about what you 'should' be doing. It's exhausting. My parents are very similar to yours in that they used to hold me and my siblings responsible for their happiness and for giving their life purpose. They expected that I would use a good chunk of my leave to visit them. They almost never visit me.

Your parents' expectations of you are totally unreasonable. You are an adult now with a life of your own, and you get to make choices about how you spend your time. They sound extremely controlling and even smothering. You are not being mean at all, you're starting to recognise your own needs and a desire to separate from them a bit more and that's entirely normal and healthy. You don't have to make them happy and you don't need to do what they expect of you

The childhood strictness together with your sensitivity to their feelings suggests to me that you have not had the chance to develop your own boundaries and a good sense of your own needs and preferences. You might get something out of reading around boundary building and codependency - Codependency for Dummies for example.

You're also very welcome on Stately Homes - it sounds like you basically have a good relationship with your parents but nonetheless some of the dynamics are probably the same.