DD's friends blaming her *trigger warning - graphic description of self harm and abusive behaviour*

[GdayKitty]

My lovely DD is 15 and is in a mixed sex friendship group of about 10 kids. She has a boyfriend who's also within the group, he is a lovely chap from what I can tell. DD has been getting very upset about another boy in the group however. He "liked" her before she got together with her boyfriend, and they hung out a bit but were never 'an item'. This boy is now cutting himself and blaming DD for this! She told me this during an argument and I then saw messages on her phone which are literally like, "I hope [boyfriend] knows what he is letting himself in for, I am injured because of my love for you" etc. DD is extremely upset but doesn't want me to intervene. WIBU to speak to the other boy's parents?? To me, this is very clearly emotional abuse and I can't stand DD feeling guilty for something she isn't responsible for. Does anyone know of any good resources which deal with this issue? I could also contact the school but they haven't been great at pastoral care.

I think you have a duty of care to inform the school about the self harm. Really sorry I don't know of any resources to help your daughter, but I couldn't read and not post.

Contact the school without hesitation.

It's obviously a shame for the boy but your daughter is at an impressionable age and these things can stay with you, colouring and clouding your judgement later in future relationships. It's not her fault and the quicker it's nipped in the bud the better.

*when I say relationships I don't just mean with boyfriends, I mean with friends also. She's being manipulated and these things can really have an effect on you

Thanks for your speedy response! You are right of course x

Definitely report it x

I had a friend who tried to commit suicide when I made it clear that I wanted to be 'just friends'. The first thing he did when he woke up in hospital was blame me, and a few of our mutual friends took his side. It was a very difficult time.
Definitely tell the school and try to get DD some support, a situation like this can really undermine her confidence.

Please contact the school. They can offer support to DD, but even if their pastoral care is crap self harm is a safeguarding issue so they will deal with it. I would recommend you record it with social services as well, just to ensure someone in authority knows.

Report it.

I consider this a rape attempt. That may sound harsh, but those boys and men, I can reasonably assume, want a sexual relationship. They don't get that, so they self-harm.

Surely they know they cannot force anyone to love them. But other things can be forced.

It's an attempt to blackmail girls and women into having sex with them.

And it should be dealt with accordingly.

Oh, come off it, it is nowhere remotely near a rape attempt. That is just silly.

It's certainly emotional abuse, manipulative behaviour and an attempt to control and coerce your daughter, and you most certainly need to speak with the school and to get assurance from them that they will inform his parents, so they can get him the help he so clearly needs if he is self harming, let alone how he is dealing with his relationships.
I think you need to explain to your daughter that this is too serious an issue for you to be able to just stand by and not say anything. It's actually a kindness to the boy in the long term to inform the school etc. as his current behaviour is very worrying and he needs help to develop more healthy relationships with his friends and with himself.

Tantamount to attempted rape? No, I don't get that view at all,

Ceto, think about it a bit. This boy is self-harming and telling OP's daughter that he's doing it because she's not his girlfriend. He's attempting to guilt her into a relationship with him, and yes, as Vestal said he wants a sexual relationship. With someone who doesn't want a sexual relationship with him. He feels entitled to try to coerce her into a relationship with him. A coerced sexual relationship is non-consensual.

Frankly this is way too close to the common tactic of abusive partners, whereby they threaten suicide if you leave them.

"DD is extremely upset but doesn't want me to intervene."
Well that's just tough. It is unfair to allow a 15-year-old to take this level of responsibility onto herself. This is for the adults to deal with. I would inform the school of his self-harming, and inform his parents of both the self-harming and his coercion attempts. I would not leave my daughter to deal with such a fucked-up 'friend' alone. At 15, she's simply not equipped for this.

It is also in this boy's best interests that this be put a stop to ASAP. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that what he is trying to do to your daughter is very very wrong.

WhereYouLeftIt is totally right. It is completely fucked up and way beyond any 15 year old's ability to handle this. Your dd doesn't want it repotred but whenever we pass on information we run the 'risk' it will be reported, as no one can turn the clock back and un-know something.

So your course of action is not (or should no be) based on what your dd wants but on what is best for her and for this boy.

Having said this I do not know how much r he would recognize his behaviour as abuse, he feels entitled to do this because that is how society operates. But remember the girls threatening suicide if Take That split up! Anyway can behave in his kind of fucked up way, if allowed to do so.

Papyrus is a charity that helps with young people affected by suicide thoughts etc. I think they can advise on self harm.

www.papyrus-uk.org/help-advice/why-do-i-feel-suicidal/selfcare-and-selfhelp

I would go through the school. I would not speak to the parents directly unless you know then really well.

skiploom so sorry, that is terrible.

I agree with Emily.

It is a very serious attempt to manipulate the emotions of a young impressionable girl but a young impressionable boy. I am not sure the boy even knows fully what he is doing but his self harm could lead on to suicide threats. Both self harm and suicide threats are 'contagious' or so I am led to believe.

So this is an issue for the school to contain and deal with.

There is no way your dd should feel 'guilty' or 'responsible'. She may well feel sorry for him and want him to get the best help.

Agree with Gazing "I think you need to explain to your daughter that this is too serious an issue for you to be able to just stand by and not say anything. It's actually a kindness to the boy in the long term to inform the school etc. as his current behaviour is very worrying and he needs help to develop more healthy relationships with his friends and with himself."

If anything worse were to happen and you had not reported it but you and you dd would feel a sense of responsibility. Your dd is not responsible for it happening but you can report it, that is the kindness you can do for this boy.

by a young impressionable boy.

OP,

Some support for you both:

YoungMinds run a free Help/ Advice Line for Parents
(or anyone concerned about someone age 25 and under).

[weekdays 9.30am-4pm) on 0808 802 5544 ].

More info here:
youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-helpline/

They'd work out with you (and DD?) the best approach for her to deal with such a difficult situation.
They'd have expert views on all angles: emotional blackmail, coercion, threats to your DD. And thus practical strategies to stop it.

(And are experts re self-harm: obviously not your responsibility, but this lad clearly needs pretty immediate intervention, too, via his parents/ school/ GP & specialist MH services or whoever).

(Alternatively, if DD's adamant she doesn't want your involvement, she might find contacting The Mix helpful: similar help/ advice for Under 25s, but they also offer 1-to-1 live message chat with trained supporters/ forums etc., as well as a free phoneline: 0808 808 4994, 11am-11pm, 7 days a week).

More info here:
www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team

Best of luck...must be very distressing for you to have to witness, and for your poor DD to be on the receiving end.

I'm a head of year at a secondary school. We have someone trained in self harm on site. If they were at my school, they'd both recieved very separate interventions. Your dd would have someone reassuring her she has done nothing wrong (which, with teenagers, is only true if it's not mum or dad saying it). The boy would recieve medical attention and counciling. His parents would also be informed. please tell the school.

Did you have permission to go through her phone?

Beepbeep - this is a prime example of why parents should go through their DC's phones. At our local secondary school parents are advised to monitor computer use. Who ever pays for the phone has the right/duty to check it.

Beep the girl is a child. parents have the right to check up children. Also of she pays the bill it is literally her phone.

I have told my dd from the start of having a phone I could check it at any time.

Parents do need to be vigilant. The OP has proved that.

You have to inform/report it-think of the possible worse case scenario and be confident you did what you could.

I sent pictures of my self-harm to a friend who was a guy back as a teen, he sent back with his own self-harm... It's sick.

You need to contact the school. Asap.

OP,

How's your DD doing?
How are you doing?