To think "how will you cope?" is an utterly useless phrase?

[witsender]

When issued with a head tilted to one side, repeatedly.

My mother says it a lot... I don't understand how she doesn't see that it is toy undermining? What effect is it intended to have?

you cope because you have to or you lay down and give up, i prefer the former,

Well quite. What does she want? Me to break down and weep so she feels needed?

We are expecting a 3rd child, that's all!

I get a lot of "how do you cope"
With reference to the kids, both of whom are useless sleepers.
Well I kind of have to, don't I?

I hear you OP. I'm accidentally pregnant with #4 in 5 yrs. she was (is) pretty negative about 3 so I'm planning to hide this baby for a few years.

My stock answer is "I have no idea"

I don't know how I will cope and I won't know until whatever impending disaster we're discussing actually strikes.

I've heard it about other people - she's already struggling with 2. I don't know how she'll cope with 3.

Well we'll all find out won't we because what's the alternative? Shake our heads and hand wring about the situation or y'know step up and support her? 😡

so I'm planning to hide this baby for a few years.

Is that like when people buy new things then hide them at the back of the wardrobe and bring it out after a while and say "oh this? Yeah, I've had it for ages!"

That's kind of my point. We cope very nicely with our existing two, who are very happy and well behaved kids. We have a happy and stable marriage, enough (but not a lot) of money, a home with space etc and we are happy about the pregnancy.

But nigh on every time I see them I get this style of questioning. As if she seriously doubts my ability to cope. Which in turn has me worrying myself. I would far rather "it's so exciting, you're doing a grand job with your two, of course it'll be tiring but you'll be fine, if you need us just yell" etc.

My mum does this to me all the time too! How will you cope on your own?? I don't think you can

She's seriously given me a complex! The main reason I don't drive anymore is because she kept telling me how I couldn't do it.

I have now resolved to ignore her and to make sure I never do this to my children

Yes! That's exactly what I wanted to do, precisely for this reason. I hate pity, or being worried about or talked about. I just wanted to get bigger, have people cotton on, then a baby appear, people notice and life carry on.

YY - my DM said this when I was pregnant with DCs 2, 3 & 4, and everytime DH went away on business..."How will you cope?"

Basically daily life is a struggle for my DM, so she assumes that everyone else is an inept at coping as she is. Your DM's reaction says more about her than it does about you, OP.

My response to the coping question, in all it's forms was "Well where will not coping get me, Mum?"

If I decide not to cope, how's that going to work, exactly?

It's as annoying as hell, witsender, so you have my sympathy. And yes, my DM quite liked the idea of me not coping, I suspect because it would have made her feel better about her own inability to cope, and because she would have felt needed, which she loves & hates all at the same time.

Best of British to you. You will be fabulous!

The one that I get is "you do too much" alongside the How do you cope?

Yeah..but have you noticed that it's always been that way, Before kids I had 2 jobs, now I have kids I run a business and a have part time job. and I like going out, the theatre is my joy, seeing my friends is a joy

Aside from the fact I have bills to pay I cannot bear sitting on my arse all day and need a week to recover from a single day out

At least they aren't my aunt, who came to visit me. House tidy-ish, newborn fed and sleeping, toddler playing happily after lunch, laundry hanging out to dry. I was pleased with how I was doing with a 6 week old and toddler given that I was on crutches. After the visit the aunt rang my mother in NI and told her that I wasn't coping at all, and she ought to drop work and get on a plane immediately to come rescue me!

We got this from mil when we announced baby number 3. I found it pretty insulting tbh!

He is 14 months now and guess what we cope just fine!

I always get told how tired I am, how much I do, how stressed I must be. Based on absolutely nothing. Very odd!

I get that it comes from a place of concern, but I also think it comes from a hope that I won't cope and will need more. Because they love to offer... however only love to do on their terms and with a lot of reminders about how much they help, how much we need etc to the point that it is easier emotionally not to accept.

Not with reference to additional children but with reference to the single one who spends alot of time - "oh I don't know how you do it!" so kinda the post event equivalent.

I simply point out that life hasn't given me an alternative so what else can I do

YES witsender aforementioned relative is exactly like that. They see themself as a rescuer when all they are is a drain. Any stress removed by them is added x200 with all the gratitude you have to show for evermore.

Witsender are you me?