To be concerned about nephew's lies?

[RoboticSealpup]

My nephew is eleven. Very status-obsessed. There's a lot of talk about money and whether other people are poor or rich. His parents are not like that at all so I don't know where it comes from. They live in a nice flat quite close to the city centre.

Now, apparently he has been telling everyone at school that his parents have bought a house for 500k and they're moving soon. (He told me too, but ignored it, knowing it wasn't true.) DBro found out when people started congratulating him on the house purchase...

I don't recall myself or anyone I knew lying like that when I was that age. He must've realised everyone would find out. Aibu to be a bit concerned? Or is this all totally normal?

Sorry not normal in my experience at that age.

Not normal.

Are his school friends rich and he feels left out?

Wow. I'd not say anything. His lies will catch up with him and bite him on his lying lil' ass.

FreeNiki It's just a normal school with people from many different backgrounds as far as I know.

Maybe something is making him feel the need to big himself up? Someone needs to have a chat about lying making him look rather silly and also untrustworthy.

On the other hand some people are compulsive liars and it's infuriating and weird since everyone knows they are lying. Hopefully he's just going through a phase.

When ds went through this I would say that I believed he was lying and would treat the thing as such but if I later discovered he was telling the truth I would make it up to him. He's now,mas an adult almost pathologically truthful!

Matilda how old was your DS then?

Come to think of it one of the girls in my school kept going on about moving Bangkok. The whole family were going. She was about 10.

She's still here today and so are all her family. Afaik no one made an issue and called her on it.

People may just assume it was true or the house fell through.

He needs a bit of a lecture about lying and material possesions not being important but other than that.

I had a friend in school (11 too) who made up the most outrageous lies about her family's wealth, status etc. To the point that I was pretty much her only friend as everyone else was fed up with the constant tall tales and would avoid her - I just remember feeling a bit sorry for her and I'd smile and nod if she spun another yarn. In her case I think, looking back, she was just trying to assert herself in a brand new school (from primary to secondary). The lies did stop eventually when she realised it wasn't winning her any attention.

It will pass - these youngsters are under such pressure from their peers.

I had a friend a bit like that aged 11-15. Started with small lies about family things, then they got bigger as she got older. By 6th form she was stealing from the tills at work and ended up with a criminal record.

From a vair vair naice evangelical Christian family father was outed as a cross dresser in quite a nasty way, may or may not be linked

It's normally a sign of unhappiness and underlying self esteem issues in children rather than a moral failing. It's not something they should really be punished for exactly. His parents (or you) might find it effective to discuss with him that he doesn't need to lie to get people to like him and they will like him just for being himself. And maybe you could ask him about why he feels the need to tell lies and if there is something he feels unhappy or insecure about.

Is he popular at school?
Ds (10) has a classmate like this who tells lots of stories like how his dad drives a Lambourghini and there's an Xbox one in every room of his house. Ds pulls this face and changes the subject. He knows it's bullshit and the boy is trying to get attention.

CrapCat, I think I may know the person you're talking about. Was the father outed because of the manner of his death?

A friend was a compulsive liar - all sorts of stories. It started out small, things that were plausible (just about) but became more and more obvious, to the point by age 15 it was embarrassing.

One thing she said, years later, was that as nobody ever challenged or contradicted her on the small stuff, she believed nobody really listened or remembered what she said which was a depressing way to live. Her lies got bigger as she wanted more attention and was sort of pushing people to react - to show they cared enough to listen to what she said and realise it must not be true.

Does that make sense?

So I think it may best to challenge him on it, and hope that nips this in the bud.

I had a school friend like this, she was just a very unhappy person and I think lying about things like that made her feel better, it was mostly about how wealthy her absent father was and all the things he had bought her which didn't exist. None of us ever called her out on it as we knew she was only lying because she felt so bad within herself. Unfortunately when in sixth form people found her YouTube channel where she had a made up fantasy life that had been going on for years she got mercilessly bullied.

Perhaps there is an underlying issue or maybe he has a big imagination that needs channeling? I was a bit of a liar at that age, I'm an author now! I'd talk to him and if he is not being bullied at school or has no self esteem issues, I would find a way for him to lie creatively without getting into trouble.

My ds (also 11) does this to some extent. He's had a hard time at school so I think he makes stuff up there to look better, not sure. But some of the 'lies' are just really odd, things that are almost fantasy. Eg. something amazing that happened to him when he was 6, but didn't happen. Or something he saw (eg. a car which looked like xyz, coincidentally which was on TV programme he just watched) or even something which happened in the second world war. I know him well enough so I say, "Is this one of your stories?" and he will admit it, but I guess school people don't know him as well as me. My ds is also really into money/ phones etc. even though we are not at all as a family. I wouldn't lay into your nephew.

I think he's pretty popular at school, yes. He's a very nice looking boy as well. I have no idea why he's so insecure. But maybe that's all it is. Insecurity.

People don't always grow out of this!

I think it's something that needs to be addressed and he route issue found but not 'punished'.

This is quite common and like other posters I agree it's a self esteem issue.
Maybe have a word with him about telling the truth, usually people see right through lies.

Krustykittens, that's encouraging. I always hoped ds would be a writer. He has an amazing way with words/ imagination, but sadly school writing and SPAG has made him hate writing.

I'm ashamed to admit that I did this at around 11-12. Made up a boyfriend. Invented a ridiculous situation in which he gave me a rose, and wanted to walk with me and all sorts of silliness. About a guy who we all sort of knew but who was older and just outside our social circle sonny girlfriends couldn't question him about it. Was going through a v insecure awkward phase - all my classmates were snogging it seemed like and I was the awkward geek who they left out when playing spin the bottle etc; never got invited to parties. We moved away thankfully within months so my lies never got fully exposed. I cringe when I think about it. I think one or two girls did figure it out but were kind enough to shrug it off. Was the only instance though and I stopped once I realised how I'd painted myself into a corner. Plus the move and new school did wonders for my self esteem!

That's very sad, MerryMarigold, I am a children's author and I hear this too often from kids. I told whoppers at that age, stuff that wasn't easily dis-proved, like my dad used to play guitar with the Rolling Stones, that kind of thing. I was lucky in that I had two English teachers at senior school who were very supportive and suggested acting classes. That didn't work so they suggested my parents give me a place to work and an electric typewriter and lots of enthusiasm for the drivel I came out with at that age. Suddenly, I didn't see myself as a liar anymore, I was a writer! For me, lying was a game, I wanted to see what I could get people to believe, I genuinely thought it was harmless. I knew it would be wrong to lie about things that could hurt people but pure fantasy I felt was fair game. It was also a way of colouring in my world, which I thought far too dull and drab, like most 11 year olds Writing channeled that as I had to develop the skills to make a lie believable when written down, which is much harder. Your son sounds like he is enjoying himself and playing around. My youngest daughter (12) does this too, she makes up outrageous stuff while acting it out to make her friends laugh, teachers have her pegged for an actress or an author. I know we shouldn't tell kids it is OK to lie but sometimes this is the first place for creative kids to start showing their talent. It is a tricky one to negotiate.

Sorry to hijack the thread!