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AIBU?

To wish I wasn't a single parent

21 replies

Calyrical · 12/06/2017 17:11

Major woes

Money
Worrying about my boys Not Having A Male Role Model and thus turning to crime, drugs and living on the edge of society (slightly ironic, but only slightly!)
Money
Feeling guilty about long hours in childcare (I realise this applies to some couples but you can work it around you a bit more.)
Did I mention money? Smile

Minor woes

T shirts and jumpers and babygros (in the past) in packs of three with 'daddy's little ' in there
Father's Day
Family tickets to things assuming two parents and two children (I know this must annoy families with more than two children too.)
Friends just not getting it

Indulge my moan.

OP posts:
tinhead · 12/06/2017 17:13

Amen

clippityclock · 12/06/2017 17:18

I hear ya. It's relentless and a bit shit!

Can I add bit being around people houses for dinner because you are not a couple. There is something about being a single parent that is different than just being single that dried up all the invites

clippityclock · 12/06/2017 17:18

Invited....not being invited even!!

AStickInTime · 12/06/2017 17:21

I take my hat off to you, op, I really do. I struggle with my children as DH works long hours, so I'm always coming across that ticket for 3 problem. DH doesn't want to go anywhere that sells tickets on his day off, but that's another story!

I find there are so many times I'm left to make all the decisions, it makes me think about how it must be to not even have the illusion of shared decisions that I have. I really do sympathise.

One thing about the male role model, there are so many children with bad role models that I think no male around is better than a nightmare example or experience for the children. But that's my opinion, I'm sure someone will come along and disagree with me.

As for money worries? That will pass too. As the years role on, things change. Nobody struggles forever. Yes everyone want to win the lotto and yes everyone gets used to having more so becomes dissatisfied in the end, but money can't buy good parenting and you can at least give that. I was brought up in a. Dry poor family and it's given me the confidence that I can survive. No I can't have what I want, but I can survive. It's a powerful thing to know as I think you aren't as overwhelmed as you might otherwise be. But it's unpleasant to have no extras to throw around.

My Mum isn't in relative poverty anymore but she still shops for bargains and follows Jack monroe cooking on a shoestring tips, that sort of thing. I think it's in her blood! I think it's in mine too, as I'm really careful with money now. I remember one Christmas about 20 years ago I only have a tenner in the bank and thing to buy xmas dinner or presents for anyone. We got through it, but it was hard. I thought it would never change but it has, and I'm ok now. So life doesn't stay the same. And it won't for you either.

Calyrical · 12/06/2017 17:25

Nobody struggles forever

Well, true. And the truth is it could be worse; it could be a lot worse. But nonetheless I know I am restricted and I do worry about supporting them through university and first homes and cars and weddings and the like.

OP posts:
callmehannahbaker · 12/06/2017 17:26

Can I add Mother's Day/my birthday/Christmas? I know it's a tiny thing but not getting a present or card/having to buy your own when child asks is tough.

And time.

I miss time with other adults, time alone, going out etc.

On the very rare occasion I ask for a sitter I realised I'm that used to DD's company that I hate being away from her and go stay wherever she is!

SerfTerf · 12/06/2017 17:26
  1. Anyone who puts their children in "Daddy's little" anything is so cringeworthy they need to be shunned by decent society.

  2. When I eventually remarried my eldest boy was a civilising influence on DH2, NOT the other way around. YOU are your DC's role model and can teach them everything they need. You can discuss good and bad behaviour you see around you, read about in books, see on television, discuss what makes a good parent, a good citizen and most of all set them a good example.

  3. The money aspect is truly shit. Really, really shit. Mainly because of the cost of childcare. I remember it so clearly although it was so long ago. The MASSIVE upside is i got so good at being frugal, that every since we have been able to live as if our income is one or two notches higher than it is which means that now we live VERY well indeed (just as well because I went on to have three more DC). Also, my DC are all amazing with money and good bargain hunters.I have always got them to help me compare supermarket prices, do basic maths etc. This started when it was just me and DC1 and he was small right through to a conversation I was having with my teen DD the other day about pensions and how they work. I probably never would have started those good habits (games to them) if I hadn't be so very poor. It was making fun out of necessity. I couldn't do the really tight maths in Asda and chat to DS at the same time. So included him.

    4 Ignore Father's Day and anything or anyone unhelpful. You're steering your ship for your DC. YOU get it. You're going to win. You don't need to take any negativity on board. Just blank it all out. You're on a mission.

  1. I've got no answer to the ticket thing. It used to give me the RAGE. I used to email companies to complain. It doesn't disadvantage me any more (well it does when DH works away) it still annoys me though and I'm more inclined to give my custom to places who offer one or two parent family tickets.


Chin up. You'll look back one day and feel proud Flowers
Toysaurus · 12/06/2017 17:27

Nobody struggles forever? Ha I wish. Single parent since forever and every year the struggle for money is real and beyond shit. There is no money. No time. A constant grind of tired bickering children, disabilities, tough decisions, cut backs, more cut backs, nothing left to cut back, the drug dealers and the burglars, the pub fights next door. Exhausting. Croup. Croup again. Even more croup. Operations and hospitals. No GP appointments. School going wrong. Then a friend posting on Facebook that their husband is working away for two nights and she can't cope.

Love my children though. They are the best.

kaytee87 · 12/06/2017 17:32

Yanbu it must be incredibly hard.

Calyrical · 12/06/2017 17:32

It's true re the babygros, but it did upset me when I was shopping when pregnant as so much stuff came in packs of three, one plain, one "something about mummy" and one "something about daddy."

Mother's Day also can be upsetting ... not too fussed about my birthday.

Toys Flowers

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 12/06/2017 17:35

so much stuff came in packs of three, one plain, one "something about mummy" and one "something about daddy."

Nauseating, isn't it?

@Toysaurus

Toysaurus · 12/06/2017 17:35

I get you about the babygros. Daddy's the best? No daddy's an asshat.

Single parenting is tough all round for all of us in our different ways x

SerfTerf · 12/06/2017 17:35

Sorry  @Toysaurus Flowers

OverlyYappy · 12/06/2017 17:37

My mum steps in at Mothers Day/Christmas etc. My boys are a bit older now, I've been a single parent for 7 years.

I was in an abusive marriage for 17 years so love the freedom of being a single parent. I get to make choices which is nice.

Good luck op you'll do fine

Calyrical · 12/06/2017 17:43

That's lovely overly but I can't say I do love it.

I love my children but gosh it's relentless. I understand that compared to an abusive marriage being alone is better but (and this is in no way aimed at you Flowers) why people always make pains to point this out I don't know. After all, complaints about an annoying husband don't sternly remind people that some people are unhappy and single.

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 12/06/2017 17:50

My boys are a bit older now (8 and 12) and I'm finding I'm enjoying them a lot more than when they were smaller. Maybe I'm learning how to cope better or they're just easier to look after but it does feel much less stressful. I still have the money and childcare woes but ah well.

My friend informed me that my DCs dad (who has probably spent less than 100 days with our DC in their entire lives) was having a moan on FB about how his wife's pregnancy is hard on him too and not just her. 😂😂😂 my first thought was how I had dodged that fucking bullet and my second thought was that he hadn't a fucking clue what hard was and never will because his wife will do all their baby care for him. He'll probably fuck off like he did with me.

SaintEyning · 12/06/2017 17:55

Oh my goodness - just exactly what I was thinking this morning. Friends (particularly the SAHMs with über wealthy husbands who work a lot or travel regularly) say "yeah, I feel like that". I WANT TO SCREAM!! No you don't. You don't have the money worry or the boredom every evening. Or literally nobody to talk to about your child/your worries in the present and for the future. You are not always the only adult in your house. I could rant on and on as I had some particularly insensitive comments on a very innocuous and quite optimistic FB post this morning from utterly spoiled, clueless women. Made my blood boil!

Schnitzel · 12/06/2017 17:57

I hear ya! I too fret far too much about the male role-model aspect (Dad is around but not geographically near us so no daily contact) and my son's long hours in childcare, which he doesn't like.

I have days where I feel shit and that I'm damaging my son.

You are not alone!

On good days I am optimistic that everything will turn out ok in the wash.

Schnitzel · 12/06/2017 17:58

Oh - and other families/couples not inviting you to things. I get invites from Mums at the weekend when their partners are off doing something else 😩

BandeauSally · 12/06/2017 18:01

What age are your Dc OP? I worry about lack of good male role model too but my Dc are both in scouts where there are male leaders at every level and they do gymnastics with a male coach. Older DC also does a music thing with male teachers too. I also talk a lot about what we might watch on TV or behaviours we have seen out somewhere. Mostly to older DS as younger DS has SEN and a lot goes over his head. Say if something is on tv and an incident happens We talk about what would have been a better behaviour and why. I can only hope it all sinks in. Or at least some of it.

Calyrical · 12/06/2017 18:01

Weekends are tough.

I feel like my enjoyment of things we do is very muted somehow.

OP posts:
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